Somebody tell me a joke.....

[Jayn]

I'm sick....*sniffle* I think I have the flu....so somebody please tell me a joke to cheer me up http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
Jayn ;)
http://members.xoom.com/WSDskins

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Three guys, a Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan are riding
their horses through the desert. They come upon an oasis
and decide to stop for the night. Sitting around the
campfire, the Russian gets up and goes to his horse. He
pulls a bottle of Absolute Vodka out of his sattlebag.
Then he breaks the seal on it, downs a gulp, and smashes
the bottle on the rocks. He says, "There is plenty of
Vodka in Mother Russia."
The Mexican, not to be out-done by the Russian, goes to
his horse. He pulls out a bottle of Jose Cuervo Gold,
breaks the seal on it, and downs a gulp. He then throws
the bottle against the rocks and says, "We have lots of
Jose Cuervo Gold in Mexico."
The Texan, not to be out-done by the other two, gets up
and walks over to his horse. He pulls out a bottle of
Jack Black, breaks the seal on it, and downs half the
bottle. He then puts the bottle back in the sattlebag,
spins around, pops the Mexican in the forehead with his
revolver and says, "We have plenty of Mexicans in
Texas."

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[ElChevelle]

What do ya call a lesbian with large hands?

WELL HUNG!

------------------
Reward:
Lost nearly 500 posts on August 15th. They answer to the name of Chev's posts. Any info please E-mail me elchevelle@hotmail.com

[PhotoFx]

Q: what has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?

A: Half a cat (kitten) http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/tongue.gif

------------------
--PhotoFx <{8^) -[=]- Lord of my domain
"Visual forms are not inherent in themselves, but are granted by the act of seeing..." -Trevor Goodchild

[This message has been edited by PhotoFx (edited August 20, 2000).]

[SexyLoserKitten]

HEY! YOU CHANGE THAT TO DOG OR PUPPY OR ELSE BITCH!
anyway..
what's teh difference between ooh and ahh?
about 4 inches
(i know corny so shut up! bitch)


------------------
SexyLoserKitten1@aol.com

"Hell hath no fury like a kitten scorned"

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Here's an old one for ya:

Did you know that Monica Lewinsky wrote a book? It's called 'A Taste Of Power'.

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[Jayn]

ROFL! You guys are makin' me feel alot better! http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif
Why do Canadian girls use hockey pucks instead of tampons?

Because hockey pucks last for 3 periods

------------------
Jayn ;)
http://members.xoom.com/WSDskins

[Mister Bill]

Why can't Helen Keller have any children?
Because she's dead.

------------------
Mister Bill
ICQ#71042786

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Ugh... Ubb sukz. Oh well.

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem." Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."


------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[This message has been edited by sgtfuzzbubble99 (edited August 21, 2000).]

[Jayn]

Ewwww... http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/smile.gif
How do you get 4 blondes on 1 barstool?

Turn it upside down.


------------------
Jayn ;)
http://members.xoom.com/WSDskins

[ElChevelle]

Hear about the blonde who died at the Drive-in theater? She was there to see "closed for the season"!

------------------
Reward:
Lost nearly 500 posts on August 15th. They answer to the name of Chev's posts. Any info please E-mail me elchevelle@hotmail.com

[Xerxes]

What does a blonde do when she gets up?
She goes home http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif

That stool joke reminds me of -
What did the gay say to other gay at the bar?
Here- let me push up your stool.

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif Xerxes http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif
A never-ending fountain of naughty humor

[Jayn]

How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?

There are empty M&M shells on the kitchen floor

------------------
Jayn ;)
http://members.xoom.com/WSDskins

[PhotoFx]

I didn't know they had that much manual dexterity... http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/tongue.gif

------------------
--PhotoFx <{8^) -[=]- Lord of my domain
"Visual forms are not inherent in themselves, but are granted by the act of seeing..." -Trevor Goodchild

[Xerxes]

Three men walk into a bar. Thae last one ducks his head and doesn't get hit.

Is that lame-o or what? http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Yep. I give that a 7 on the Lame-o-meter.

How do you make a dog meow? You bash it on the head with a frying pan, stick it in the freezer for a few days, then run it through a bandsaw. MMMMEEEEEOOOOOWWWW! http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

I know that was kinda sick, but hey, I thought it was funny. http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/tongue.gif

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[Jayn]

Sgtfuzz....that was sick...but this one's worse
What's the definition of confusion?

Three blind lesbians in a fish market

------------------
Jayn ;)
http://members.xoom.com/WSDskins

[Xerxes]

image forming in mind..... eww. http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif

Q:What did the gay say to the gay when he
say a condom floating in the pool?
A:OK- who farted?

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/smile.gif

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

You people are sick! Hehe... Yeah! My kinda forums! http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Two condoms were walking down the street. They come across a gay bar. One condom says to the other, "Hey, you wanna go get shit-faced?"

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[Kaboon]

There are two guys sitting in a bar talking about sex. One guys says:"Do you talk to your wife while your having sex?" Says the other guy:"IMPOSSIBLE! There's no phone in my bedroom!" http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif

------------------
Liefde is net een kwaadaardig gezwel, als je het eenmaal hebt kom je er niet meer vanaf.



[This message has been edited by Kaboon (edited August 27, 2000).]

[Bilbo Baggins]

Heres a bloody offensive one.

"What do you call a swimming pool full of disabled people?"

"vegetable soup"

Now here is a slightly sick one.

A man is driving home one night, and see a sign saying "Get a blow job while haveing your favourite tune whistled to you" So he pulls over, and goes in.
When he goes to the room, the light is switched off, and a seductive voice asks him what tune he woul like. He replies "Neighbours". He has a great blow job, and the tune is whistled perfectly.
The next night, he goes in, and the woman asks which tune he would like, so he replies Eastenders. Again, he has a great blow job, and the tune is perfect.
The next night, he takes a torch, as he would like to know the womans secret. The woman asks him what tune, he says "Coronation Street" and off they go. Halfway through, he switches on the torch, and notices a glass eye rolling in the corner...

Lame.

------------------
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Hehe... Good one.

There are three surgeons talking about what kinds of patients are the best to operate on. The first says that he likes to operate on librarians. He says "When you open them up, everything inside is in alphabetical order." The second surgeon says that he likes to operate on electricians. He says "When you open them up, everything inside is color-coded." The third surgeon says that he likes to operate on lawyers. He says "They're spineless, heartless, gutless, and full of shit."

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[edit: Eye n33D hUkt 0n F0nix.]

[This message has been edited by sgtfuzzbubble99 (edited August 27, 2000).]

[AverageJim]

"A couple is taking a trip from the icy streets of Canada to Florida, but the wife is delayed with work. The man arrives safely and decides to send an email to his wife, but cant remember her email. He tries to guess it, but unfortunately he gets one letter off and sends it to the wife of a recently deceased preacher. The email says: 'Dear loving wife, I just checked in. Everythings prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.'"


"One day Bill Gates goes to hell (like we all knew he would). For being so indiscriminately evil, the devil lets him pick which torture chamber to spend eternity in. So he leads Bill to the first room, which is a giant room filled with man-eating lions killing people over and over forever. Bill Gates says 'I'll pass'. So the devil shows Bill the second chamber, which is a big pit filled with lava with people hanging over it with chains, burning up. Bill also passes this one too. So Satan shows Bill the last room, a small room with a bottle of wine, a sexy, naked girl tied to a chair, and a computer in the corner. Bill Gates quickly takes it. Then the devil's apprentice comes over and asks him why he gave Bill the best room. Satan laughs 'The bottle of wine has a hole in it, the girl doesnt, and the computer is stuck on Windows NT and missing three keys: Control, Alt, and Delete'" (Yeah I know corny, but funny for most geeks http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/smile.gif

Hope no one is completely offeneded heh heh :P

------------------------------
"Stay in shape. My grandma started walking three miles a day when she was 85. She's 91 today, and I still don't know where the hell she is."

[SexyLoserKitten]

this one's bad

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion
wine before hand and had to piss really bad. So when the next guy was
done with his confession the priest asked him, "Would you mind sitting
in for me while I piss?"
The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest
showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along
with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.
The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Mary's, Rosaries
and everything was going good. Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me
Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."
So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it.
He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't
find a penance.
So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a
blowjob?"
To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a
soda pop."

------------------
SexyLoserKitten1@aol.com

"Hell hath no fury like a kitten scorned"

[Teufel Diener]

I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't get this one...funniest thing I've ever heard...


This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shakedown?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.' "

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for your self."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

From the desk of: KARL
1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's Letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic. That's no different from saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking!"

Me: "But... oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken.

John: (yelling) "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la la la la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints.

John: "Well, if I knew you where one of those, I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be there counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.



------------------
Sonique? Fuck that shit! Winamp Blue Ribbon!
malevolent_prosector@hotmail.com
Gimme my signature pic back, you fascists!

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Hehe... http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif That's great!


A hillbilly family from deep in the hills was visiting the city and they were in a shopping mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) said, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life. I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the old lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a beautiful, 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, quick, go git yo mamma....."

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[Winsane]

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif
Where's that one from, Teufel? Also, am I missing an analogy with the part about sauerkraut with chopped up wieners?

[Bilbo Baggins]

Knock Knock
"Whos there"
Doctor
"Doctor Who?"

You just said it http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/smile.gif

------------------
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

[AverageJim]

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal that read, “Rich widow looking for man to share life and fortune with the following qualifications: 1. Won’t beat me up, 2. Won’t run away, and 3. Has to be great in bed.” For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell rang constantly, and she received tons of mail but none of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang and she opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you and what do you want?” “Hi ,” said the man. “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you up and I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run away.” The old woman asked, “What makes you think you’re so great in bed?" To which he replied, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

[Jayn]

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Hilary Clinton died and went to heaven. When she arrived at the pearly gates and was met by St. Peter, she noticed a huge wall filled with clocks, all of the clocks displaying different times. She asked St. Peter why the clocks all had different times. St. Peter told her that there was a clock on the wall for each person on earth, and the number of minutes ticked off on each clock represented how many lies that person had told. Hilary noticed a clock that showed 12:00 and asked St. Peter "who's clock is that with no time gone from it", St. Peter replied that was Abraham Lincoln's clock, he never told a lie. She noticed another clock with no time gone and again asked whose clock it was. St. Peter told her that was Mother Theresa's clock, she never told a lie. Hilary then asked "if everyone on earth has a clock here, where is Bill's clock? St. Peter replied "Oh...God has that one up in his office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

------------------
Jayn ;)
http://members.xoom.com/WSDskins

[Bilbo Baggins]

I like it!

------------------
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

(I got this one a while back...)


Microsoft vs. GM -


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they reprinted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would build a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades for their cars, which would make them run much slower.

7. The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single 'general car default' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butts.

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[SexyLoserKitten]

hahahahaha....I love that
http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
Sex Kitten Extraordinaire

"Hell hath no fury like a kitten scorned"

[ReDVsion]

I would like to state that a PC with Linux running (fuck microsoft) would run just as reliably, if not moreso, than a Macintosh. I still miss dos, tho'.

[ElChevelle]

"Thank God it's not Friday"
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why
so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We
drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie.
You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You
can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."


------------------
Reward:
Lost nearly 500 posts on August 15th.
They answer to the name of Chev's posts.
Any info please E-mail me elchevelle@hotmail.com

[ReDVsion]

One day an engineer died and found himself at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked for his name, and after he gave it to him, Saint Peter replied "nope, sorry, you're supposed to be in hell".
So the engineer wound up in hell. Immediately displeased with the comfort level in hell, the engineer started designing and building all kinds of things - air conditioners, widescreen TVs, things like that, so the engineer became a pretty popular guy.
One day God called the Devil up on the telephone. "how's it going down there in hell?" he said with a snicker.
"Oh it's great! We just got an engineer and he's been building air conditioners and all sorts of things down here."
"Wait, that's not right, he's not supposed to be down there, that guy was supposed to be up here in heaven. Send him back."
"No way. I rather like having an engineer on my staff."
"Send him back or i'll sue."
"Right. and exactly WHERE are you going to get a lawyer?"

[rm']

Bob really needed a drink but the closest bar was a gay bar. "What the hell," he thought, "just this once," so he enters and asks the bartender for a Bud.
The bartender says, "I'll give you a beer, but only if you tell me the name of your dick"
"What!" said Bob
The bartender said, "just think up a name"
So Bob asks the guy beside him, "Hey buddy, what's the name of your cock?"
The gay guy says "Chevy, cuz it's like a rock"
Bob is really freaked out by this point, but he ask the guy sitting on the other side what the name of his dick is.
The other gay guy answers, "Timex, because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin' "
The bartender asks Bob again for the name of his dick, so Bob says "Secret"
"Why's that?" asks the bartender
"Cuz it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman"


A midget walks into a gym and tells the strongest guy there, "I bet you $1000 that I can wheelbarrow something down the street that you can't"
Everyone in the gym laughs because they all know the tough guy is at least 30x stronger than the midget, so the guy says, "your on"
The midget pulls out a wheel barrow and says, "Get in"


Superman is flying across the city when he sees Wonderwoman lying naked on a rooftop. He thinks to himself, " mann I really need to let my load off", so he swoops down and bangs her like crazy and then flys off. Just then, the Invisible Man crawls out from under Wonderwoman and says, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!"


You won't get the next one unless your a Canuck

Two guys are walking through the forest, a Quebecer and a Torontonian when they meet a genie.
"I will grant you one wish each"
the frenchie asks the genie to build a wall around Quebec so nothing can get in and nothing can get out.
"Your wish is granted" and poof, there was a wall around Quebec
"What do you wish?" the genie asked the Torontonian
"Make it rain in Quebec for a year"


An Italian, a German and a blond are sitting on the girders of a bridge their building for lunch. The Italian opens his lunch box and sees spaghetti.

"I swear, if I get spaghetti one more time, I'll jump off the bridge"

The German opens his lunch box and sees sausages. "I swear, if I get sausages one more time, I'll jump off the bridge"

The blond opens her lunch box and sees ham and cheese. "I swear, if I get ham and cheese one more time, I'll jump off the bridge"

The next day at lunch, the get spaghetti, sausages and ham and cheese, so they all jump off and die.

At the funeral, the Italian's wife sobs, "If only I knew, I would have made Tony something else". the Germann's wife sobs, "If only I knew, I would have made Gunther something else".

The blonds's husband says, "But I don't understand, Mary always packed her own lunch."

A police officer is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees a car with it's windows all fogged up. When he looks inside, he sees the guy reading the newspaper and the girl knitting in the back. The police officer asks, "What are you doing?"

The boy replies, "Waiting for her 18th birthday"


It's graduation day at the dojo, so the sensai asks for the graduates to demonstrate their new skills before he hands them their diploma and black belt. He hands the first graduate a sword and releases a fly. The first graduate makes one swing, and the fly falls to the ground in two pieces. The sensai congratulates him and gives him a black belt.

He gives the second graduate a sword and releases another fly. The graduate swings the sword twice, and the fly falls to the ground in three pieces. The sensai congratulates him and hands him the black belt.

The sensai gives the third graduate a sword and releases a fly. The graduate swings three times, and the fly buzzes away.
"You didn't kill the fly," the sensai says dissapointedly
"Maybe not," replies the graduate, "but he'ln never be able to have kids"

[rm']

The golden rule to remember about STD prevention is that a bird in the hand is worth one in the bush.

Children in the front seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause children.

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Henry Ford died and went to Heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention - mass produced cars on a conveyor belt assembly line - has changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I'd like to hangout with God himself." The befeathered guy at the gates took Ford to the throne room and introduced him to God. Ford then asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?"

God said, "Well, yes."

"Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention."

1. there's too much front end protrusion.

2.it chatters at high speeds.

3. maintenance is very costly.

4. it constantly needs repainting and refinishing.

5. it is out of commission 5 or 6 days out of every 28.

6. the rear end wobbles too much.

7. the intake is too close to the exhaust.


"Hmmm.....," said God. "Hold on." God then went to the celestial supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[rm']

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Chinese proverbs:

1. Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
2. Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
3. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
4. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.
5. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
6. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
7. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
8. Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
9. Panties not best thing on Earth, panties next to best thing on Earth.
10. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
11. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
12. It take many nails to build crib but only one screw to fill it.
13. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
14. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
15. Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[ElChevelle]

HERE'S A FUNNY ONE!!!
http://www.geocities.com/elchevelle_2000/Sonique.gif

------------------
Reward:
Lost nearly 500 posts on August 15th.
They answer to the name of Chev's posts.
Any info please E-mail me elchevelle@hotmail.com

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

That's pretty cheezy, Chev. http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[rm']

If you don't finish reading this sentence, you will receive 1 000 000 waffles.

[This message has been edited by Radioactive Man (edited September 04, 2000).]

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Y'all Southerners, please fill out this census form:

Last name:_________________

First name: (please check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other_______________

Age:_____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: (_)M (_)F (_)Unsure

Shoe size: _____Right _____Left

Occupation: (check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_______________

2nd Spouce's Name:________________

3rd Spouce's Name:________________

Lover's Name:__________________

Relationship with spouce: (check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household:_____

Number of children living in shed:_____

Number of children that are yours:_____

Mother's Name:_______________ (if not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name:_______________ (if not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (circle highest grade)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicle you own:_____
Number of vehicles that still crank:_____
Number of vehicles in front yard:_____
Number of vehicles in back yard:_____
Number of vehicles on concrete blocks:_____

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
_____truck
_____bedroom
_____bathroom
_____kitchen
_____shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196(_) Ford

Do you have a gun rack?
(_)Yes (_)No If no, please explain:


Newspapers/Magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Gun

Number of times you've seen a ufo:_____

Number of times in the last five years you've seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you've seen Elvis in a ufo:_____

How often do you bathe?
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not applicable

Color of eyes:
Right:_____ Left:_____

Color of hair:
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) Blonde
(_) Red
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of tooth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_) Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile.
(_) 2 miles.
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[edit: Yeeeeha! I kan't spel no more. http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif]


[This message has been edited by sgtfuzzbubble99 (edited September 04, 2000).]

[ReDVsion]

WHEEEEHA! Datsa purty gud servay ya got thar! Bein frem texas, i kin tel ya datits purty acurit.

[Winsane]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sgtfuzzbubble99:
[edit: Yeeeeha! I kan't spel no more. ]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
I thought it was even more amusing when it conjured up pictures of children being used as insulative lining in the shed.

[This message has been edited by Winsane (edited September 04, 2000).]

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Yeah, you caught that, huh? http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

I live in Mississippi, so I thought this one was particularly funny:


A study was completed to find out what the last words of the driver of a vehicle were before a fatal car crash. Black boxes were installed into random cars throughout the 50 States to record the data. In all but two States, the final words of the driver were either "Fuck!", or "Shit!" In the States of Alabama and Mississippi, the final words of the driver were, "Here, hold my beer and watch this!"

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[KambeStad]

So these two drunk guys come out of a bar. They're arm in arm singing in the streets, having a good time.

They look down an alley to see this old dog licking it's crotch. One of them says, "Boy, would I love to do that!" The other looks at him and says, "I dunno, you better pet him first, he looks mean."


------------------
"Many are cold, but few are frozen."

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"That's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!"

------------------
Give me NyQuil and no one gets hurt!

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Two men sit at a bar in the top of the Empire State building.

One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I found out that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they will carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender overhears this and just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar down.

The second man says, "What, are you a nut? There's no way in Hell that could happen."

The first man says, "No, it's true. Let me prove it to you." Then he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and careens toward the street below. By the time he reaches the tenth floor, the winds catch him and carry him around the building and into an open window. He then takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The second man tells him, "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but it must have been a one-time fluke."

The first man says, "Nope. I'll prove it again." He jumps over the balcony once more and hurtles toward the street. The winds around the tenth floor again catch him and carry him around to the open window. Once he gets back up to the bar, he urges his fellow drinker to give it a try.

The second man says, "What the Hell, it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony and plunges downward. He passes the eleventh floor, tenth floor, ninth floor..... and hits the sidewalk with a splat.

Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other man and says, "Ya know, Superman, you're a real asshole when your drunk."

------------------
NyQuil Man Lives!

[edit: My new sig disabled my spell-checker.]

[This message has been edited by sgtfuzzbubble99 (edited September 17, 2000).]

[Xerxes]

What do lawyers do after they die?

They lie still!

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif Xerxes http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif

[Jayn]

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They only know how to say, 'Hi, We're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"


------------------
Jayn ;)
WSD Skins (http://members.nbci.com/WSDskins)

[Xerxes]

This isn't really racist but rather a
play on different languages-

What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?

Cinco (Sink-o)

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif Xerxes http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif

[ElChevelle]

And 4 mexican bullfighters in quicksand makes "Quattro Cinco"! http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

[wild_pointer]

I was changing my unix password last night:

&gt;chpasswd
Type in your password: xxxxxx
Type in your new password: penis
Confirm your new password: penis
Password too short!! :b
-----------
well thanks a lot http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif

[SexyLoserKitten]

was it really necessary to put htta in 2 threads?

------------------
Sex Kitten Extraordinaire

"Hell hath no fury like a kitten scorned"

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Sorry, musta been my reply in the other thread.

------------------
NyQuil Man Lives!

[ElChevelle]

HeHeHe, he was just trying to apply it where it originally belonged. I think it's the funniest password quip since my buddy, who for years used "password" for his password. Noone ever guessed it as,being losers we all sat around gorged on beer and cheap cigars trying to decypher each others' lame passwords http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

[Xerxes]

I've always been paranoid, so i things i
have used in the past come from randomly
pointing thigns out in a dictionary-
"Furniture" "Salad" "Staunch" "Politico"
My new one is just like one of those- i
change it every year.

Because being paranoid, i know that
everyone is out to get me!

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif Xerxes http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif

[RJ]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the Wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah, right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The
wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon
and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog
stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and shortly begins loudly
snoring. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes
to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her
husband's testicles. Amazingly, it works immediately on him! The woman
sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances down and sees
a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he
walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's
testicles.

He shakes his head, looks at the dog and says, "Shep, old boy, I don't
remember where we were or what we did - - but, by God, we won first and
second place!"

[RJ]

Cowboy Fans

A guy walks into a bar at the WestEnd with a dachshund under his arm.
The dog is wearing a Dallas Cowboy jersey and helmet, and is festooned
with Cowboy pom-poms.

The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave."

The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's
broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the
game."

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that
he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender
relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big
game begins with the Cowboys receiving the kickoff. They march down
field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. Suddenly, the dog
jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving
high-fives to everyone.

The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen!
What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?" The owner replies, "I
don't know, I've only had him for three years."

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

Deep thoughts:

* Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
* A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.
* I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.

------------------
NyQuil Man Lives!

[RADAR]

sorry in advance if it offends anyone...but I think it is pretty damn funny.

What is the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until your 15 to cum on your face.

[sgtfuzzbubble011]

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

[ElChevelle]

A woman is cheating on her boyfriend with his best friend when the telephone rings.
"Who was it?" he asks after she hangs up the phone.
"My boyfriend",she replies.
"Uh-oh-I'd better get going",he says, nervously."Where was he?"
"Relax,relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

[Bounty Hunter]

Probably a sick one, but i will send it away

2 Gay guys went home together, one draws up a bath for his guest, he says to his guest dont do ANYTHING while i am gone, his guest says fine, the one gay guy walks out.

about 20 mins later the one gay guy comes back, his guest is in the bath, and sees 8 used condoms all over the floor, he said "I thought i told you not to do anything while i was gone", his guest replies i didnt, i just farted.

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/smile.gif

[SexyLoserKitten]

a different version of that is when 2 gay guys are screwing, the doorbell rings..the one guy says don't do anything..blah blah.., answers the dor, comes back and there's cum all over the walls..well..you get the idea

------------------
Sex Kitten Extraordinaire

"Hell hath no fury like a kitten scorned"

[rm']

Ha ha! That puntastic! Whew! Smelly cheese...

------------------
Scrumptious Yummy Boy
www.poorboyfoundation.cjb.net (http://www.poorboyfoundation.cjb.net)

[Xerxes]

A pregnant woman goes into labor, and her husband is at her side. THe Doctor asks if she would like to take a new experimental
medication that psyhic-ly transfers all the pain into her husband. They agree. So
the lady takes a pill and puts a little
apparatus on her head.

Soon the lady really starts to have the baby,
and the husband is doing quite alright. He
tells the doctor that everything is OK.

The lady has the baby, and doesn't scream
at all- the husband says... phew... that
wasn't that bad at all.

They go home- and there lays the mailman,
dead on the doorstep.

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif Xerxes http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif

[Bounty Hunter]

There was a rookie firefighter with his wife, he said we have this system called the bells at the station, she says ok what about it, he said when the first bell rings we jump into our firesuits, 2nd bell we slide down the pole, 3 bell we get on the firetruck and go off to the fire, but we are going to change it a bit.

She says how, he says on bell 1 you will drop what you are doing, strip naked where your standing on bell 2 you will jump into bed, bell 3 we will start making love, she said ok thats cool.

a few days later he comes home off of shift and she is doing the dishes, he yells bell 1, she stops what she is doing and strips naked on the spot, he yells bell 2 she jumps into their bed, he yells bell 3 they start making love, after about 10 mins into it, she yells bell 4, the firefighter says whats this bell 4, there is none, she says bell for, you need more hose your nowhere near the fire.

&lt;G&gt;

[Flynnz]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Xerxes:
a new experimental medication that psyhic-ly transfers all the pain into her husband<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Pretty good one, X-man. It would be better if that had said "into the father" though. Makes more sense. http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif

[RJ]

In *******ology, all medications have a generic name. For example;
Tylenol is *************,
Advil is Ibuprofen,
******* is Minoxodil, and so on.....

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for ******, and today
settled on the new name. So when you order from now on be sure to
ask for the generic and save money.
It is known as Mycoxafloppin.

[the real Slade]

Q. What do you call 10 blondes in the middle of a field?
A. A thicket

Q. What do you call the same 10 blondes in the same field in a circle?
A. A dope ring

Q. What do you call the same 10 blondes in the same field in a line?
A. A wind tunnel

Q. What do you call a naked upside down blonde?
A. A brunette with bad breath

There are 3 blondes running from the cops and they see 3 potatoe bags and jump in, the cops come along and kick the first bag and the blonde inside meows, they kick the next bag and the blonde inside woofs, thay kick the next bag and the blonde says potatoe potatoe.

Q. How does a blonde kill a fish?
A. Drowns it

Q. How does a blonde kill a bird?
A. Throws it off a cliff

Q. How do you kill a blonde?
A. Put a scratch and sniff on the bottom of a pool

Q. A blonde and a brunette jump off a building at the same time who hits the groung first?
A. The brunette, the blonde stops to ask for directions

the real Slade
http://smilecwm.***********/ut1/globwhore.gif
if your blonde dont take offence to my jokes
http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif i meant no harm http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif

[SexyLoserKitten]

Sex is like a joke.
Some people get it, some people don't.

------------------
Sex Kitten Extraordinaire

"Hell hath no fury like a kitten scorned"

[WolfieD]

God dammit Teufel, explain that one! Ive sent it to 17 of my friends and even had my mom (yikes) read it, and NO ONE GETS IT!

btw....

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too
closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes
a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions,
the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just
picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be
the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer
shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so
focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied,"Don't you know that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
WolfieD - Brainwashing the youth of America since 1985
www.WolfieD.cjb.net - Go there or I'll torch your house.

[ds22]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jayn:
How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?

There are empty M&M shells on the kitchen floor

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Q: how come a blonde got fired from the m&m factory?
A: she thrue all the w's


------------------
______________
Aliens Kill Babies

[Xerxes]

Oh blonde jokes mmm?

OK - what does a blonde do when she wakes up?
She goes home.

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif Xerxes http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif

[Eyekancpell]

Ok what did the blonde do after she cohmed her hair? She pulled up her pants.

Why do gay guys where rib condomns? Better traction on the motor.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? 100 to turn the house, and one to hold the lightbulb.

Three guys were on the roof, One white guy, One black guty and a chinees guy. The white guy says, I bet you i have the biggest bird in all the land. The Black guy says, Yo man who you kiddin, i do. The chinees guy says, My dick is bigger, bigger i tell you. The white guy says, Ok 1 week from now we come back on this roof top and measure our dicks.
The next day the white guy walks into the *******y and looks at penis enlarger pills, he asks the man at the register how much they cost, He says, 10$ each. He buys one. 3 hours later the black guy went in and bought 4. 4 hours later the Chinees guy went in and bought 10. 6 days later they met on the roof top. The white guy goes, BANG 10 feet, The black guy goes BANG 40 feet, The chinees guy goes See that blonde down there, BOOM got her.

[ElChevelle]

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-
workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had
happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what
really happened.

So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed.
When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the
biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack,
so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for
her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and
ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again
the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten
up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went
to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing
the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her
dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you
didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that,
so I shoved it back in."

[SexyLoserKitten]

Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION - The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

DATING - The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially
like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY - A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT - A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a
man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many
women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily
due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are
not located in her chest.

FRIEND - A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by
the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT - What the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.

NYMPHOMANIAC - A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often
than he does.

SOBER - A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

------------------
Sex Kitten Extraordinaire

"Hell hath no fury like a kitten scorned"

[rm']

Speaking of sex...

A 40 year old accountant emails his wife from work, "Dear wife, I've headed for the nearest motel with my 20 year old secretary" and off he goes, towards his love nest.

When he gets back home, he finds a note attached to door,
"Dear husband, I too am commited adultery. I am at the hotel with a 20 year old man, but I'm sure, that you, being an accountant, will understand that 20 goes into 40 many, many more times than 40 goes into 20."

[Jayn]

Chicken and the Horse

Once upon a time there were a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away. The chicken ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily,
the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barnyard.

A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend,
the chicken, stuck in the hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped.
The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight, and the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a
deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling
down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingy and I will pull you to safety!" With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big
horse-thingy and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now you saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled.

And what is the moral of this story? ...If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

------------------
Jayn ;)
WSD Skins (http://members.nbci.com/WSDskins)

[Xerxes]

heh, that reminds me of the easter egg at
AskJeeves.com - enter in the question
"Is jeeves well Hung" http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif

funny funny funny http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif

[SexyLoserKitten]

Hahahahaha damn that is some funny shit lol

------------------
Sex Kitten Extraordinaire

"Hell hath no fury like a kitten scorned"

[ElChevelle]

ROFLMFAO!!! http://smilecwm.***********/net4/jump.gif

[ElChevelle]

Subject: FW: Revocation

To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up halfway through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any shit. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

------------------
I don't know Karate....
But I do know Karazy!!!

[ReDVsion]

hehehe... I like that!

------------------
REFORMAT™

[The Big Andowski]

Two Indians are walking through the desert.

The first Indian says "Buffalo come."

The second Indian asks "How tell?"

The first Indian replies "Ear stuck to ground"

[ElChevelle]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ElChevelle:
Subject: FW: Revocation

To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up halfway through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any shit. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

In reply to a few posts ago:

TO: United Kingdom
FROM: The United States of America
SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand,it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum"(note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).
However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran named Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 -97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys,then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for our modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football?Soccer?This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted duck. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. We still remember why we call it Independence Day, after all, We're not called New Great Britain now, are we?

9. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins.
That's why we bought the companies.

10. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

P.S. - regarding WWII: You're Welcome. http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/smile.gif

------------------
I don't know Karate....
But I do know Karazy!!!

[This message has been edited by ElChevelle (edited November 28, 2000).]

[Bilbo Baggins]

*Sigh*

Not only is that thing getting boring (I have seen it on so many other websites), but it isn't that funny.

------------------
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
MP3 Resource Centre (http://www.mp3resourcecentre.com)

[rm']

Bertrand Russell, on the existence of evil:
"The devil made the world, while God wasn't looking."

------------------
Youthful, smart and virile!

[Jimbo64]

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant!
What did the blonde say after sex?
So, you guys all play for the same team?
How does a blonde turn the light on after sex?
She opens the car!
Why'd the blonde hold her hands over her ears?
She was trying to hold a thought!
Whats a blonde put behind her ears to make herself sexy?
Her ankles!
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair red?
AI !!
Did you hear about the blonde who went out side and checked her mail 14 times in one day? She blamed it on her computer, It kept telling her she had mail. (stupid)
Whats the diff between a lawyer and a hooker? the hooker stops fucking you after you die!
Did you hear their gonna use lawyers now instead of lab rats to test things?
Nobody cares what happens to lawyers, and lets face it there are things rats wont do!!
Whats yellow smells like bananas and bubbles??
monkey spit!!
C-ya Jimbo.

------------------
my favorite line....
You know, that song that goes like this, (fill in with god awful voice)

[ElChevelle]

Roll over, Chunks.......Roll over! http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
I don't know Karate....
But I do know Karazy!!!

No sé Karate....
Pero conozco Karazy!!!

[Charmander]

About The Clock Joke Bill Gates Should Be There Too

[Charmander]

Oh Good So My Member Status Is back - for a while i was a junior it was weird for a while!

[Charmander]

where i am the ads are becoming funnier than the comedy series friends and all of the other serial comedies examples are the big kahuna cookies ad and the red bull drink ad and the v drink ads the sky and is the funniest (even though its a bad influence to young children 5 and younger - the vaccuum cleaner sucking on the womans face) - the scones are done and the man dancing with his dog the funniest movie at the moment would have to be austin powers 1 (international man of mystery) and 2 (the spy who shagged me) the second one has scenes the movie does not not too sure about the dvd - too expensive (the drive of course) theres interviews and bloopers? think of the tent scene was that great? It does that from time to time! (smoke bomb makes it look like he's farted)

[ElChevelle]

That's one Looooooong sentence, still not done(no period).

[Somebody]

hi.

[hawk606]

hi. http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/smile.gif

A girl is new to her highschool and wants to make friends, oviously she chooses to hang out with some of the other girls at the dance. at the dance she sees a guy and walks over, she says "hey, do you wanna dance" he replies "no thanks, i'm gonna dance with regina greene" "who's that" the girl asks "the easiest, sluttiest girl in school!". She tries another boy, "do you want to dance?" the boy declines "no thanks, i'm waiting for regina greene, i heard she isn't even waring underwear tonite!" she then walks over to a group of girls and says, "hey, how come none of the boys want to dance with me?" another girl replies "it's not your fault, all the guys wanna dance with regina greene, the biggest slut in town." "yeah," another one interupts "i heard she's not even wearing underwear tonite" so they sit down on the floor to talk about clothes and what-not. About a minute later, all the guys look over at the door as a girl walks in, wearing the most revealing outfit you could imagine. She was the blondest, sluttiest looking girl she had ever seen. She sat down on a chair to wait for the guys to line up, from there, the new girl could clearly see that she indeed was NOT wearing any underwear. The new girl leans over to one of her friends and says "is that regina greene?" pointing to the blonde girl, pantyless, clad in a very small miniskirt, with knees apart.
Punchline:
The other girl replies "Nah, I think it's just the reflection of the green disco-light"

Ooooohhh http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/smile.gif
-----------------
Hawk606 : I don't get it.

[s1138]

didnt get it. im slow

why did the chicken cross the road?
Colonel Sanders!!
hahaha funny

[hawk606]

I dont' get that one, or the kraut one.

lol

[. - .... .- -. ....]

what's the difference between a woman and a terrorist??

You can negotiate with a terrorist ;-)

------------------
"You're a man...men are always in the shit - it's just the depth that varies..."

[rm']

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by s1138:
didnt get it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Bah! That is sure fucking funny, Hawk! http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
Go me!

[hawk606]

dig the sig

/diggin http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
"Watch your language, you little turd!"

[rm']

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.
Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be
sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives
from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and
in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the
Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon
is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we
can ignore that ...
The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.
Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)
temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).
The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However]
Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall
have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."
A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be
at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven,
at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

------------------
Go me!

[rm']

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a
prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Stanford. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview. Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the
men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could
hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one
person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time
for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of
them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be
the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair. The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the
world?" The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a
thought." "Why do you say that?" asked the president. "Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an
instant, then gone again." "Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president. Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is
the fastest thing in the world?" The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink." "Why?" asked the president. "Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do
it in an instant." The president thanked him, then called in the next person. The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world
was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have
to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and
immediately, three miles away a light will go on." "I see, very good," replied the president. Then, the young man from Stanford was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" "That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!" Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?" "Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the
worst stomach cramps... ..and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS.....


Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?"
Dad: "Sure son, what's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Dad: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so
lets call me "CAPITALISM". Your mother is the administrator of the
money so we'll call her the "GOVERNMENT". We take care of you and your
needs, so lets call you "THE PEOPLE". We'll call the maid "THE WORKING
CLASS" and your baby brother "THE FUTURE". Do you understand son?
Son: "I'm not really sure Dad, I will have to think about it." That night, awakened by his baby brother crying, the boy went to see
what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his
diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his Mother sound
asleep. He then went to the maid's room and found his father in bed
with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father
and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, I think I now understand what politics is."
Dad: "Good, son. Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well, while CAPITALISM is screwing the WORKING CLASS and the
GOVERNMENT is sound asleep, the PEOPLE are being completely ignored and
the FUTURE is full of crap!"

------------------
Go me!

[rm']

ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs, known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Surface usually covered with a painted film. 2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode without prior warning and for no known reason. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by alcohol. 5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES: 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Can be a great aid to relaxation. TESTS: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. HAZARDS: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time.

------------------
Go me!

[hawk606]

RM's on a roll!

Have you ever been in that boring spot in an airport? It's just past customs, so it's not quite a country, the place where you wait to get on the plane. The population of the area must be between 50-100, it's unusually cold and it's got nothing but giftshops. We'll call this place Canada. http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

[rm']

Well I'll be damned... my fellow Canuck is also a fellow-Canadian hater! Welcome to the club! http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
Go me!

[Flynnz]

That reminded me of this, RM. It's kinda old, but I still think it's funny.... http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

An actual prompt from a Texas A&M chemistry midterm: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proofs."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following.

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a memeber of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Sheryl Atkinson during my Freshman year, that it will be 'a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you', and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic."

This student got the only A.

[This message has been edited by Flynnz (edited December 06, 2000).]

[Flynnz]

Hehe...... love this one.

Here's a prime example of the differences between men and women offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University. English 44A SMU, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of the students:

-----------------------------------------------------------
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from he direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Asshole.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Bitch.
-----------------------------------------------------------

[Flynnz]

This one's quite long.. I found it mildly (ah hahaha ha ha ha!! ahem. *cough*) funny the first time. http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NOTES FROM AN INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER NAMED FRANK, WHO WAS VISITING TEXAS:

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the bathroom when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges, both native Texans, that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and they told me I could have free lemonade during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.
Took me two lemonades to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the lemonade line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty; good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the lemonade stand. Lady at the lemonade stand pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the lady at the lemonade stand was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I expelled gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring lemonade directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge No. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount St. Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blended chili, safe for all; not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

FRANK: (Editor's note: Judge No. 3 was unable to report).

[Xerxes]

Hawk606 - I wonder how many Americans got that regina greene joke - as most Americans say "Re - jeen - a" http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif i must admit it took me awhile... http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif

[monocle]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Xerxes:
Hawk606 - I wonder how many Americans got that regina greene joke - as most Americans say "Re - jeen - a" http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif i must admit it took me awhile... http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

This American had in a matter of minutes http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/smile.gif



------------------
Monocle
Hear great techno music by Monocle at http://www.mp3.com/monocle. CD now on sale!

[hawk606]

lol regina, say it how it's spelled, ree jii nah http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

What do you call someone who can speak 4 languages? quadralingual? ( or poly-lingual)

What do you call someone who can speak 3 languages? trilingual? ( or poly-lingual)

What do you call someone who can speak 2 languages? bilingual?

What do you call someone who can speak only one language? American http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif i'm just kidding, you know i luv ya.

------
Hawk606 : That Sig is an eyesore



------------------
I had something funny
to put in my sig before,
but then i said,
"i'll put that in my
sig, right after i eat
some soup" so i ate my
soup, as i did so, i
forgot what i was gonna
put here, so.. i guess
what i'm trying to say
is "I like soup"

[monocle]

here's one:
http://www.netamorphic.com/image.depot/gore_joke.gif



------------------
Monocle
Hear great techno music by Monocle at http://www.mp3.com/monocle. CD now on sale!

[flatmatt]

Probably the worst joke in the world:

One day, a duck walks into a bar and says, "Do you have any duck food?"
The bartender replies, "No."

The next day, the duck comes back and says "Do you have any duck food?"
"No," replies the bartender again.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Do you have any duck food?"
"No," responds the bartender, "and if you ask me that one more time, I'll nail your feet to the floor."

The next day, the duck comes into the bar and asks, "Do you have any nails?"
"No," replies the bartender.
The duck then asks, "Do you have any duck food?"

------------------
We may have lost this one, but there are others...

VOTE RALPH NADER 2004!!!!

Then e-mail me at flatmatt@mediaone.net

[rm']

www.askjesus.org/ask.cgi?http://winamp.com/ (http://www.askjesus.org/ask.cgi?http://winamp.com/)
http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
Go me!

[hawk606]

what do you get when you cross a dime with a nickel?

15 cents ah hah hah hah!

------------------
I like soup

[Junklord]

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow goes "Mooooo", and the other cow turns around and says "I was going to say that!".

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

...full http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/smile.gif

[Xerxes]

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!

wakka wakaa wakka! http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/wink.gif
/Xerxes dodges flying tomato

http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif Xerxes http://forums.winamp.com/ubb/eek.gif

[This message has been edited by Xerxes (edited December 08, 2000).]

[MamiyaOtaru]

Re - jeen - a" - "ree jii nah"
wtf. something must have gone wrong mith my education- I always said 'ruh-geye-nuh' Helped me get the joke at least.

Teufel Diener- that was an awesome allegory.
Wouldn't expect less from a servant of the devil.


------------------
dizzy my future

[MICK-NE]

LOVE THE JOKES.HEHEHEHE HERES A LITTLE FUNNY 4 U HOW DO YOU TURN A DISHWASHER INTO A SNOWPLOUGH....GIVE THE BITCH A SHOVEL.......IF YOU FANCY E-MAIL CHAT N JOKES MICHAEL@ne64yp.freeserve.co.com......

[Jeno1]

What will be the name of the Microsoft after dividing it into pieces ?

Micros~1, Micros~2 ...

[Jeno1]

What is it? A tunnel with two exit.
Labirinth for blondes.

How do you know that a blond sent you a fax ?
There's a stamp on the paper.

What is it? A cow has 4, a blonde: 2.
IQ...

The blond has been sitting in her room for hours when her mother says:
"Kate, you've got a call !"
At this moment the she shouts up:
"I've got it! KATE !!!"

What says the blond after crashing with a tree ?
"But I've pressed the horn!"

[ElChevelle]

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!"the child says,bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused , the father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, dad,"the child sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really screw, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[jns]

Originally posted by Jeno1
What is it? A tunnel with two exit.
Labirinth for blondes.
http://home.dal.net/emperor/blondpuzzle2.jpg :D

[jns]

That's a good one! :D

[nateJC]

Okay, how can anyone not get Teufel's joke? Well, I'll explain the punchline.

"I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
---
Okay, we just heard how "Me" suggested eating hot dogs cut up with sauerkraut, thereby setting up the punchline. Now to dissect it:

"bunless"
---
Having no buns. Buns is commonly used as a reference to the gluteus maximus, or ass. Therefore, "bunless" translates to "assless"

"cut-wienered"
---
Well, we all know what a wiener is sometimes said to be (I hope we all do) and "cut-wienered"...think John Wayne Bobbitt.

"kraut-eater"
---
Germans are often refered to in a derogatory manner as "kraut-eaters" because sauerkraut is a native dish of theirs.

So, to translate the punchline:
"I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you assless no-dick German!"

Rather amusing!

[distortion]

I offer you comedy in thread form.
http://forums.winamp.com/showthread.php?postid=190528#post190528
oh well, in light of everything, I thought it was funny... :)

[rm']

He he...

A man just lost all his money at Vegas, so he heads outside to get a taxi to the airport. There's one lone taxi, so he walks towards it. He asks the cabbie, "Can I get a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie says, "Screw you, you poor little bastard; If I drive you there, you won't pay me!"

So the man walks dejectedly to the airport.

3 months later, he's back in Vegas, and hits the jackpot. He goes outside, and sees a whole line of taxis waiting for customers. And at the end of the line, he sees his old friend from 3 months ago. He thinks of a way to get back at him.

He goes to the first taxi in the line, and asks the cabbie, "I don't have any money, but if you give me ride, I'll give you a blowjob." The cabbie obviously refuses. He asks the same question to every cabbie in the lineup, until he gets to the last cab. He says, "Can you give me a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie, thinking that every cabbie ahead of him was rejected by the customer says, "sure!"

He gets in the cab and ducks. The cabbie smiles at all the other cabs in front of him as he pulls out, because he got the customer, and they didn't...

[Xerxes]

Actually Nate, Tuefels Cryptic Story is an allegory- the people who are at the door are religious people - Mormons, or maybe Jehovah's Witnesses, or whatever. Hank is god- the rules they have to follow are the bible. Read it again... its actually a very well written allegory.

[nateJC]

D'oh! You're right. I missed the big picture. Thanks for the clue Xerxes.

[jns]

Viewing this thread through Ask Jesus (http://www.askjesus.org/ask.cgi?http://forums.winamp.com/showthread.php?threadid=35994&pagenumber=4) :D

[jns]

http://www.geocities.com/rand0m2001/kermit.gif

[Xerxes]

Don't mention it Nate :)- Actually I had to read the whole thing twice before I got it...

[nateJC]

Really funny if you're sick of all those damn car commercials:

http://www.adcritic.com/content/spoof-dodge-88-dodge-aries-k-car.html

It's an MPG, so you need Quicktime to view this.

[s1138]

haha! look at Christophe pic:D

[jns]

What? Where? :confused:

[joshan34]

What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down?....a brunette with bad breath!

[jns]

Originally posted by joshan34
What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down?....a brunette with bad breath!
Are you sure? :confused:

[rm']

:D

tres drole

[jns]

Originally posted by s1138
haha! look at Christophe pic:D
Oh, found it, hah! :p

[Poromenos]

Originally posted by Xerxes
heh, that reminds me of the easter egg at
AskJeeves.com - enter in the question
"Is jeeves well Hung"
Xerxes, I did that and it just answered the quiestions, I saw no easter egg, i tried capitalizing, question mark, etc. many times. What am I doing wrong?

[Charmander]

Originally posted by nateJC
Really funny if you're sick of all those damn car commercials:

http://www.adcritic.com/content/spoof-dodge-88-dodge-aries-k-car.html

It's an MPG, so you need Quicktime to view this.

Quick Time is for macintosh movies not mpeg MPEG is played on windows media player (only use for vids Winamp Is for my music). The Vid Plugs arent .dat /collide when both active. one plug has no web page and the other took too long to fix.

[ElChevelle]

Originally posted by Charmander
Quick Time is for macintosh movies not mpeg MPEG is played on windows media player

Actually they aren't called macintosh movies, they are called .Mov files.
Windows media player will play both .Mov and .Mpeg's.

[pepzi]

Michael Jackson was on a boat that was about to sink, and everyone else but the him, his lifeguards, the crew, and lots of kids were still on the boat when Michael asked one of his lifeguards:
- Don't you think we should save the kids first?

And the lifeguard responded:
- Nah, fuck the kids!

Michael's comment was:
- Do we have time for that now?

hah! :)

[nateJC]

Originally posted by nateJC
It's an MPG, so you need Quicktime to view this.

Originally posted by Charmander
Quick Time is for macintosh movies not mpeg MPEG is played on windows media player (only use for vids Winamp Is for my music). The Vid Plugs arent .dat /collide when both active. one plug has no web page and the other took too long to fix. [/B]'

WTF? Why did I say QuickTime? Of course WiMP plays MPEG movies. I was just thinking of the wrong program when I wrote that or some damn thing. I dunno. Maybe Apple planted a cybernetic implant in the back of my brain when I wasn't looking!

[jns]

Originally posted by pepzi
Michael Jackson was on a boat that was about to sink.. *SCHNIP*
Reminds me of this (http://forums.winamp.com/showthread.php?threadid=41377) thread :rolleyes:

[ElChevelle]

Originally posted by pepzi
Michael Jackson was on a boat that was about to sink, and everyone else but the him, his lifeguards, the crew, and lots of kids were still on the boat when Michael asked one of his lifeguards:
- Don't you think we should save the kids first?

And the lifeguard responded:
- Nah, fuck the kids!

Michael's comment was:
- Do we have time for that now?

hah! :)
LAFF MY MOTHER GROPIN' ASS OFF:D

[ElChevelle]

More proof that most criminals are absolute morons:

Frank Gort, a San Antonio burglar, was caught and convicted. When it came time for sentencing, the judge gave him seven years. Gort was very upset - and begged the judge not to sentence him to seven years because seven was his unlucky number. The understanding judge complied. He gave him eight years.

[fuct'n'bored]

what do u do if a blond throws a pin at u


run cuz shes got a grenade in her hand

old but good

[fuct'n'bored]

y dose the blond take the shower door off of its hinges before she has a shower

so no one can look throu the keyhole

[jns]

Originally posted by ElChevelle
More proof that most criminals are absolute morons:

Frank Gort, a San Antonio burglar, was caught and convicted. When it came time for sentencing, the judge gave him seven years. Gort was very upset - and begged the judge not to sentence him to seven years because seven was his unlucky number. The understanding judge complied. He gave him eight years.



:D

[Charmander]

Originally posted by nateJC
Okay, how can anyone not get Teufel's joke? Well, I'll explain the punchline.

"I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
---
Okay, we just heard how "Me" suggested eating hot dogs cut up with sauerkraut, thereby setting up the punchline. Now to dissect it:

"bunless"
---
Having no buns. Buns is commonly used as a reference to the gluteus maximus, or ass. Therefore, "bunless" translates to "assless"

"cut-wienered"
---
Well, we all know what a wiener is sometimes said to be (I hope we all do) and "cut-wienered"...think John Wayne Bobbitt.

"kraut-eater"
---
Germans are often refered to in a derogatory manner as "kraut-eaters" because sauerkraut is a native dish of theirs.

So, to translate the punchline:
"I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you assless no-dick German!"

Rather amusing!






The MAXIMUS Referrs To SIZE So for something Smaller Say Minimus

[ragnaril]

Okay, there's only been one language pun here so far, so I'm going to add a Latin one on... I'll see if anyone gets it.

"Vidi Vici Veni"

And no, it's not the same as what you've heard before. Think about it a minute.

-Ragnaril

[xapec]

Originally posted by ElChevelle
Subject: FW: Revocation


9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

b]
no matter how long ago this was posted i have to say that
A: daimlerchrysler is german american cars, so that means i can keep my jeep & dodge

B:JFK was killed by the CIA

[Flynnz]

Hehe.. kinda cool to see a post from so long ago... I remember browsing the forums in an internet cafe in Otovalo, Ecuador when this thread popped up.

*sigh*

(The memories.)

[jns]

:p

[ragnaril]

Marvin's a web server now?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

/me collapses in fits of laughter

[ElChevelle]

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already in America!:p

[Somebody]

now that's funny :)

[jns]

http://www.felibarr.org/~falstaf/humor/TheWhiteChild.jpg

[ElChevelle]

The Colorado State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears this summer.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear droppings:

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

[jns]

http://www.felibarr.org/~falstaf/humor/strong.jpg

[Die_betrunken]

If someone has already typed these, then i apologize in advance... i didnt bother too read all of the jokes

Three guys, a Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan are riding
their horses through the desert. They come upon an oasis
and decide to stop for the night. Sitting around the
campfire, the Russian gets up and goes to his horse. He
pulls a bottle of Absolute Vodka out of his sattlebag.
Then he breaks the seal on it, downs a gulp, and smashes
the bottle on the rocks. He says, "There is plenty of
Vodka in Mother Russia."
The Mexican, not to be out-done by the Russian, goes to
his horse. He pulls out a bottle of Jose Cuervo Gold,
breaks the seal on it, and downs a gulp. He then throws
the bottle against the rocks and says, "We have lots of
Jose Cuervo Gold in Mexico."
The Texan, not to be out-done by the other two, gets up
and walks over to his horse. He pulls out a bottle of
Jack Black, breaks the seal on it, and downs half the
bottle. He then puts the bottle back in the sattlebag,
spins around, pops the Mexican in the forehead with his
revolver and says, "We have plenty of Mexicans in
Texas."


How do you make a cat go woof?
Douse it in petrol and throw a match at it.


little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?" The mom answers, "A vagina." And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?" And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up." Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?" And the dad answers, "A penis." So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?" And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work."

[jns]

Originally posted by Die_betrunken
little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?" The mom answers, "A vagina." And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?" And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up." Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?" And the dad answers, "A penis." So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?" And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work."
SICK! :eek::mad:

[Die_betrunken]

Yes it is ;)

but i dont/never would practice such a thing...eww

[Xerxes]

A riddle-

I am a long, shaft like object
I have a hole at one end
I have lots of little thin things sticking out of the other end
Both men and women enjoy me
When I am used, I am inserted into a bodily orifice
and usually moved around that orifice in a rythmic fashion
Also, when I am used, a white liquid is emitted out of that
orifice.


What Am I?










A toothbrush :)

[Bilbo Baggins]

That is just...wrong.

[s1138]

lol

[xapec]

a girl walked into a bar and said "ouch"

[Xerxes]

What's wrong about it bilbo? Did you have a different anwser in mind ;)

[jns]

Originally posted by Xerxes
What's wrong about it bilbo? Did you have a different anwser in mind ;)
Do we really want to know? :eek::p;)

[xapec]

http://umweb2.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert22436430010319.gif

[jns]

rofl :p
btw..

How many people work here?
Oh, about half.

[Assja]

Here's one..

Can you tune a fish?

Of course! It's full of scales :D

[Lucos]

I too must also apologise if this has been posted before...

A bloke walks in to a bar... The whole place goes purely quiet!!!... He looks around and shouts at the top of his voice... "WHERE'S BILL??!!!"... No one answers. "WHERE IS BILL!!!!" He shouted again... The bloke became restless.

All of a sudden a rather weedy bloke from the middle of the crowd then shouted... "I AM BILL!!!" The angry one then went up to him, and kicked him in!!!.. The man walked off leaving the weedy one half unconcious!!!

After he left, everyone crowded around the man who started laughing. He had fits of laughter. One of the concerned witnesses asked "Why are you laughing?!!! You have just been kicked in!!!" The man kept laughing,... he was flipping hiseric!! he couldn't stop until he mumbled at the top of his voice....
=====================================================

" I'M NOT BILL!!!!"

=====================================================

[ElChevelle]

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step
on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains
them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter
comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on...a
very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, I
wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The blonde replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[ElChevelle]

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's
office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we
couldn't get the damn jar open!"

[Die_betrunken]

A guy walks into a bar and goes up to the table and sees a dog lying on the floor licking it's testicles...then the guy looks at the bartender and says "gee i wish i could do that" and then the bartender says "you better ask him first he might bite you "

;)

[Mac2k]

what do you call an Indian carpenter?
Ahmed Ashed

Why are women sililar to a KFC?
becasue once youve finished with the legs and breasts there's only a soggy box to put your bone in.

thank you and goodnight

MAC

[flatmatt]

What do you call an insect that can't sing?

A pop fly! :rolleyes:

[Picaune News]

So this guy walks out of a bar and into a church. He goes into the confessional.
Father Martin says, "Is there anything you need help with, my son?"















The Reply:
Yah. Is there any toilet paper on that other side? This one's out.


BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!
I crack me up!

[chiquita chad]

what did the fish say when he smashed into a large concrete wall?




Dam

[Picaune News]

So there's this girl who loves jelly beans. She'll do nearly any thing for jelly beans.
One day, the boys give her fifty jelly beans for climbing the flagpole. She runs home and brags to her mother. The mother says, "Don't do that. They just want to see your underwear."
The next day, the boys give her one hundred jelly beans for climbing the flagpole. She runs home and brags to her mother. The mother says, "Don't do that. They just want to see your underwear."
The next day, the boys give her two hundred fifty jelly beans for climbing the flagpole. She runs home and brags to her mother. The mother says, "Don't do that. They just want to see your underwear."
The girl's reply,





























"But I fooled them today, Mama! I wore no underwear!"

Sick, but still funny. :D

[Kapil Tagore]

I will not let this thread die. I will continue posting on it so that it doesn't lie forgotten.

This service was brought to you by kRevive - Bringing life back from the dead.

[hawk606]

kRevive my thread! http://forums.winamp.com/showthread.php?threadid=52901 lol anyway..

a blonde and her boyfriend move in together and a few flaws start showing in the blonde's new housemate.
One day the toilet backs up and she says "honey, can you fix the plumbing please?" to which he replies, "i'm not an electrician, baby."
the next day the TV breaks and she goes "honey, can you fix the TV?" he says "i'm not a cable guy baby.."
the next day the lights go out and she says "honey can you fix the electricity please?" he again says "i'm not an electrician honey"
The next day the heat goes out and the blonde at this time is very uncomfortable in her new house and she says she'll move out if her boyfriend doesnt get it fixed. Just then their neighbour, a regular handyman, comes up to the door, having overheard their arguing.
He offers to fix every problem in their house if they teach him to play the flute. The blonde's boyfriend leaves while his neighbour works on the house, leaving the blonde alone with their neigbour. When he's done he says to the blonde;
"Okay, now you guys are my friends so i'm only charging a two hour flute lesson" He pauses and looks the blonde over. "...or you can have sex with me for the next two hours"
the two hours pass, and when the husband arrives home he says, "the house looks great, did you teach our neighbour to play the flute, honey?"
"I'm not a teacher, baby" replies the blonde.

[fwgx]

I can't believe i've just spent the last 2hrs 40 mins reading every post in this thread. What am i doing with my life?

[ecstatic]

"a baby seal walks into a club..."

[fish]

Originally posted by fuct'n'bored
y dose the blond take the shower door off of its hinges before she has a shower

so no one can look throu the keyhole


Why's there a keyhole in a shower door? :p

[nateJC]

FNB goofed it up. Try it this way.

Why does the blonde take the _bathroom_ door off its hinges before she takes a shower?
So no one can look through the keyhole!

[ElChevelle]

Originally posted by Phily Baby
I can't believe i've just spent the last 2hrs 40 mins reading every post in this thread. What am i doing with my life?

What life?

[Kapil Tagore]

Originally posted by hawk606
kRevive my thread! http://forums.winamp.com/showthread.php?threadid=52901 lol anyway..
Sorry, I don't do it for free, look at this thread for more information on kRevive - Bringing life back from the dead.
http://forum.sonique.com/showthread.php?threadid=2575

[Kapil Tagore]

This thread would've probably died forgotten. This is where kRevive comes in, doing yet another favor to our dear society.

This service was brought to you by kRevive - Bringing life back from the death.

[fuct'n'bored]

http://www.kjartan.org/humor/Comics/erotic/Mission.jpg

[Nofx Guy]

-2 potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

-the one with the sticker that says "idaho"

[Marcel]

a blondie sits on the ground.
She falls off!!

why are blondie jokes always two-liners?
otherwise the blonds wouldn't understand them!

how many blonds does it take to make a chocolate pie?
25, one to make the dough and 24 to peel the M&M's

what should you do when your mother-in-law in crawling towards you?
aim better and shoot again!

if you throw a blond girl and a brunette of the liberty-statue, which one is down first?
The brunette, the blond doesn't know the way down!

why did god create blond girls?
sheeps can't bring your beer.

Why did god create brunettes?
the blonds couldn't either!

What's wrong when your wife comes into the room and starts complaining?
The chain is too long.

two blonds are sitting in a train. The first one asks; 'How late is it?' the second one looks on the calendar and says;'it's 80 degrees' on which the first says;'then i have to get off at the next station!!'

A blond walks on a riverbank. Then she sees another blond at the other side. She screams;'How do i get to the other side?' The other blond replies;'you already are!!'

well that was it for now, get well soon!!(though i think you already are) And for the record, i looooove blonds, ok?
its just so much fun to make fun of them..

Ok, the last one;
Why did the blond girl didn't pass for her drivers license?
Whenever the door opens, she jumped on the backseat~~

[NeoRenegade]

Q: How many politicians does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to assure everybody that things are going smoothly, and another to screw the lightbulb into a faucet.

[jw_ssaiyajin]

This one's pretty bad, but it still makes me chuckle.^_^.

What's the best part about fucking an eight year old?
Hearing the pelvis crack.

[hawk606]

Originally posted by jw_ssaiyajin
This one's pretty bad, but it still makes me chuckle.^_^.

What's the best part about fucking an eight year old?
Hearing the pelvis crack.

what?

[Bilbo Baggins]

Q What isthe best part about raping a 5 year old?

A Hearing the ribcage snap


Q What is the best part about raping a 3 year old?

A Hearing the skull cave in


Q What is the best part about raping a 1 year old

A Fountain!!!

( I apologise for my appaling humour)

[Lucid DM]

Same thing. Except replace "best" with "worst". And the answer with "Those awkward questions in A+E afterards."

[Bilbo Baggins]

I think you need to take a break :D

[Edwards]

Yep.. I just spent 3.5 hours reading all this crud. Ahh to hell with it. Ban jokes! Ban people! Ban computers! Ban money! Ban porno! Well, maybe not porno (oh wait, russia already did all that! heh heh)

[Kaboon]

*bump*

Thought it would be nice to bring this up agian. :D


q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
a: Because it said "concentrate".

q: Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
a: She's trying to make up her mind.

[I have a huge]

A good reason not to buy your kids markers!
http://elchevelle.homestead.com/files/KidsAndMarkers.jpg

From The Original Hollywood Squares TV Show.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes ...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's
really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's
married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter ... and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.


Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what
was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie
"What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years
old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

[fish]

That's it, Chev :D

If you're gonna bump something, bump something good. *cough*WordAssociation*cough*

[_Blackdog_]

god knows every 7th grader in my area knows this joke, but maybe it didn't spread cross the country, so here goes..

this guy goes to the doctor and says "doc i got this rash on my cock that just wont go away." the doctor takes a look and then gives him a little bottle and says "rub this on the rash every day and come see me in 2 weeks.
2 weeks later at the doc's office...
the guy says "doc that stuff worked like a charm! my rash is gone. what was that stuff anyway?" and the doc says "lipstick remover."

[deathazre]

resurrected.

[Bilbo Baggins]

I think ChevII said it
Phunny Picture (http://elchevelle.homestead.com/files/KidsAndMarkers.jpg)

That is incredible :D

[I have a huge]

:D

Kids!
1.When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
***************************************************
2. It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
***************************************************
3. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
**************************************************
4. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, she finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy,come in or stay out!"
***************************************************
5. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy.
*****************************************************
6. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
*******************************************************
7. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

[psyfive]

ughh.... i finally did it :igor:... i read them all... i fell like i should put up a flag or something. :D

Ok, now for my contribution.
-----
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can have sex with me tonight!"
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!"
-----
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "I caught my finger in a door and it really hurts. I guess I should go see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have a moderate finger sprain. Soak your finger in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he picked his nose and put it into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop picking your nose, your finger will never get better.
-----


also, this page is funny as hell...
http://rinkworks.com/dialect/

[jamiemc]

What do you call a Pakistani with a micro wave oven on his head ???????
SSSHHHHIII.... DINGGGGGG !!!!
....................................................................
What do you call 6 Aftganistan Terrorists going over a cliff in a Mini Van ??????

A fucking Waist !!!!!!...........You can get at least 12 of the Terrorist Bastards in a mini Van.

....................................................................

I hope these jokes dont offend anyboy...... remember they are only jokes........But I do know a lot more


I hope you feel better

jamiemc

[fish]

I can't remember if I posted this already so I'll post it again... :)


A man is in a bar. He finishes his 12th drink and asks for another.
The bartender says "Nope, I'm gonna have to cut you off."
"All right" he says, and walks out the door.
He falls down at the door, and gets back up. He falls down the stairs and gets back up. He falls off the curb and gets back up. He falls in the street numerous times. He trips on the stairs on the way up to his apartment. He trips in the doorway. He finally makes it to the couch, where he falls the last time onto the couch.
His wife walks in: "Are you ok? you look bruised."
"Oh I'm fine" says the man.
"Really?" his wife says, "The bartender just called."
"What'd he say?" asked the man.
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again" his wife said.

[MetallichicA]

A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.

Three guys walk into a bar, but the fourth one ducks.

A rabbi, a priest, a lawyer, and a doctor all walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"

A dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Sam?"

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he would like a drink, but the bear just sits there. Finally, the bartender asks, "Hey, why the big paws?"

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bartender here?"

A rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here" and kicks him out. So the rope gets a couple of his friends together, and they ruffle the top of his head, and kind of tie him up a bit. He walks back into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Aren't you the rope I just threw out of here?" The rope says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Bex :D

[Bizznatch]

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

[dlinkwit27]

/me requestes all jokes to be merged into this thread, this thread be moevd to GD, and stickied. :)

[pixiefied]

why? its perfectly fine right here.

[s1138]

i miss jayn.

[godoncrack]

if i put on any of my jokes, i will not only be banned, i would be hunted down and shot.
such is the power I wield

[s1138]

no..such the power that i wield :D

[Coman]

gamn, this is a good thread, thx for bumpin' it.

[dlinkwit27]

heard this one from another board and i thought i would share it with you :D


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I don’t get paid overtime. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, - The Penis

Response:

Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, -The Management

[Coman]

that's hilarious :D

[Starbucks]

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!! @ Father Joseph Joke. That one's funny. :blah:

[ShyShy]

Originally posted by ElChevelle II
:D

Kids!
*****************************************************
6. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
*******************************************************



:rolleyes: Something similar has already happened to me with the rugrat. Whenever she trips/stumbles, out of my sweet-little-angel's mouth comes, "Ouch, Damnit". Yup, have only myself to blame for that one.

[DragonSon]

Out of the rugrat? Shyshy, how could you?

[ShyShy]

I know... Bad Mommy, Bad!:cry:

I'm still trying to figure out who taught her to say "I'm the Queen of my own Universe" :weird:

[corkhead0]

Good luck figuring this one out if you're not nerdy...

Two strings walk into a bar.

The first string says to the bartender, "Give me a beer." The bartender turns to the second string and says, "and what about for you?" To which the second string replies, "I would also like a beer#@a9101gb230b81;kajf3#$B89*#(&)*13!$%#@$" and goes on and on spewing gibberish.

The bartender, shocked, asks the first string, "What is your buddy's problem?"

The first string answers, "Oh, you'll have to excuse him, he isn't null terminated."

[pixiefied]

a little old lady goes to her doctor and says "doctor, i think i have crabs." the doctor says "how can you be sure?" the little old lady says "well doctor i dont know. im 80 years old and i think i have crabs!!" so the doctor checks her out...you know does his thing. he leaves and dictates,then shortly afterwards he comes back into the room."well, i have good news and i have bad news". the little old lady says " give me the good news!" the doctor says" the good news is you dont have crabs". the little old lady replys " then whats the bad news?" "well" says the doctor " your cherry rotted off and you have fruit flys".

[DragonSon]

oh my god........that's soooo wrong...:igor:

[MaXiMiLlIoN]

what happend to the person who started this thread did he get better?
------------------------------------------
if u r asian going into a bathroom and austrelian* coming out what are u when u r in the bathromm?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
europian

[godoncrack]

not bad

[MaXiMiLlIoN]

well i am only 13 so i am jus learning *cough*

[s1138]

Originally posted by MaXiMiLlIoN
what happend to the person who started this thread did he get better?


it was a she...and she left awhile ago :(

oh. there are two muffins in the oven. one muffin turns to the other muffin and says "its getting hot in here"
the other muffin turns around and says "AHHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN"

[MaXiMiLlIoN]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[Coman]

Originally posted by MaXiMiLlIoN
well i am only 13 so i am jus learning *cough*
well i think its obvious now.

[MaXiMiLlIoN]

y?

[Coman]

Originally posted by MaXiMiLlIoN
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[MaXiMiLlIoN]

Originally posted by Coman
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
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ok well er,,,, it was funny!!:weird:

[MaXiMiLlIoN]

http://www.angelfire.com/ill/c0/images/wtfcat.jpg
hahaha

[MaXiMiLlIoN]

...

[Coman]

it wasnt that funny. now that ^ (pointing to my prev posted img) is funny :rolleyes:

[MaXiMiLlIoN]

hehehe ya rotfl

[MaXiMiLlIoN]

http://www.angelfire.com/ill/c0/images/wtfcat.jpg
this one right?
haha

[MaXiMiLlIoN]

http://forums.winamp.com/avatar.php?userid=110041&dateline=1061940319
hehehe (i finnaly figured out how to make pics!!!)

[MaXiMiLlIoN]

i wana start skinning though :D

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ok btw i allready knew that!