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Moral of the story - Joke thread
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend - she was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. :D |
Heard that already...just it was the Mother in law.
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somehow i saw that coming
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i thought this was gonna turn into a ban for ryan for a second there :igor:
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Missed the "Joke thread" part of the title? :p
Ah well, the one joke off the internet i never saw before and everyones heard it. |
lol never heard it, was good :)
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when did "ryan" get his name changed from raz? and do i have to use PMs to get my name ajusted to "Nobby"?
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I got it changed a few days ago, and not necessarily, just get a mods attention. I pm'd Sawg.
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havnt heard that one before, love it :)
short but true story. a week or two ago my best mate and i decided to skip half a day of skool to catch up on our studies. we stayed at his house and worked away (which is really odd for us). anyway, shit popped its ugly head out, we were accused of wagging, and given a 3 hour saturday detention. ofter doing the detention the teacher in charge gave us the usual taking to, you know how it goes 'what are you going to do next time', 'can you see it from our side', blah blah blah. when he asked me what the moral of the story was, i looked at him and said 'don't study'... somehow in all my stupidty/cheekyness, he agreed. funny from a tight ass teacher... anyway, your story was funnier i know. but i thought id share mine too |
"Q: What is the difference between a computer and a woman ?
A: A woman won't accept a 3 and 1/2-inch floppy !" (necrobumb because it's a joke that is more fitting in 2003 or earlier) |
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you'll notice floppy length is highly dependent on temperature
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Heh, just realized I failed a proofreading yet again. "necrobumb" should be "necrobump". Quite an odd typo.
Yeah, erections aren't really temperature sensitive - same length hot or cold. However, "floppy" lengths and thicknesses change significantly with temperature, hence the "I was in the pool!" defense and the "like a frightened turtle" explanation. |
if i had a penny for every time i've heard both of those jokes...
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What's the difference between a circus and a strip club?
The circus has a bunch of cunning stunts (whereas the strip club has a bunch of...) |
never tell bad puns alone ted, in fact make a friend who likes telling them too, that way when you're at some social thing, making bad puns, cause well, it's easy and they're great, you at least get two laughs.
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Q. What is relative humidity?
A. The sweat on your balls when your banging your wife's sister. |
alright, fine looks like this is gonna continue despite me picking apart the differences of what's actually a joke and what's a pun, so, consider this your pre-emptive strike:
What happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? — you rock to the beat. How do you mend a broken jack o’ lantern? — with a pumpkin patch. what do you call a lease of false teeth? — a dental rental Where did the kittens go on the class trip — to the meow-seum. What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? — a watchdog What did the art dealer say when a man asked what a picture was supposed to be? — a reflection of you. what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? — shore What falls down but never gets hurt? — snow What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee’s hair? — a honey comb How do you get a peanut to laugh? — you crack it up Who greets you at a haunted house? — a host ghost Why did the farmer bury all his money? — to make his soil rich Where can you find an ocean without water? — on a map What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? — a hobby horse Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles What do you call an avid gardener? — herb If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? — a poul-tree What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? — a grape nobody picks on What did the tree say to the mountain? — stop peaking at me! What are sailors’ favorite fruits? — naval oranges Where does a penguin keep his money? — in a snow bank What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the Brits)? — Let’s dance and I’ll dip you. Why do bees have sticky hair? — they use honeycombs Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? — he wanted to get the scoop Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? — she broke her angle What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? — a chipmonk What kind of trees sew? — pine trees, they always have needles around What did the plate say to the other plate? — lunch is on me. What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? — I’ve been framed! Did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? — They gave the actors stage fright How do you turn soup into gold? — add 24 carrots (karats) What do you do if a rhino charges you? — Give him your credit card. Why did they bury the battery? — Because it was dead. What do sneezes wear on their feet? — ahh-shoes What do wolves say when they are introduced? — howl do you do? What does a car run on? — wheels What did the sink say to the water faucet? — you’re a real drip where do pigs park their cars? — in a porking lot Why did the banana leave the cinema? — the film didn’t appeal to him. Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? — because his mother was a wafer so long. What do you call a hot dog in a bun? — an in betweenie weenie. Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? — He found a leek there. How do you make a witch itch? — take away her W What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? — tug of whore *ok, so that was mine. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention* What do you call a crab who plays baseball? — a pinch-hitter What is the clumsiest bee? — a bumbling bee What kind of bean can’t grow? — a jelly bean Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? — a martian mellow How does a man on the moon get his hair cut? — eclipse it What do you do when you have no rubber bands? — find a plastic orchestra – — – — and some old favorites — – — – — - What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? — time to get a new fence. What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? — a frog in a blender What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? — a dead school bus Why did the man throw his margarine? — he wanted to see the butter fly What did the finger say to the thumb? — I’m in glove with you (heather’s favorite) What’s brown and sticky? — a stick! What’s red and not there? — no tomatoes What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? — a very cross penguin How do billboards talk? — Sign language! What kind of chain is edible? — A food chain! What did the grass see say to the ball field? — I want to root for you. How do you shoot a killer bee? — With a bee-bee gun. Why did the bowling pins stop working? — Because they went on Strike. Why do fish swim in schools? — Because they can’t walk in schools. What is a buckaneer? — Expensive corn! How do you get an alien baby to sleep? — You rocket! What is a parasite? — Something you see in Paris. Why did the chicken cross the playground? — To get to the other slide! How do you get the water into watermelon? — Plant it in the spring! Why was the boy covered in gift wrap? — His mom told him to “Live in the present!” THERE, i'll be damned if you can find any worse. |
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That's a gooder.
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^word
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Feast or famine. Why when you are hooked up do their friends hit on you? It just isn't fair.
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/m...toryjokes.html |
BMW's are overrated. Overpriced, too.
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