Does grief ever die?
 

<edit>I initially started to write this as a more formal goodbye to my forum friends. I've been working on it off and on for a few days because I wanted my words to be written in a way they would not be misunderstood. What I see going on in the forums right now is distressing to say the least, but I can't say I didn't feel it coming. Anyway, I'll continue my original thoughts now, out of place as they may seem.</edit>

I did not intend to leave the impression that I left these forums because of the actions of one or two members. Actually, I left these forums because they were simply another small factor comprising my own personal Hell. (Vincent, if you read this these are the "personal issues" I mentioned in my response to your kind e-mail.) I literally am in Hell right now. I know most of you are familiar with most of this, but I'll press on anyway. I am clinically depressed. I have been for years. Those of you who can't comprehend how painful depression can be, should thank God (or whoever). It is a daily struggle to get out of bed to do the most basic things. It is thoughts of shooting your brains out. It is wishing for an even darker place than you are in already.

Like I said, I have been depressed since I was the age of the average forum member here, I'm guessing. Certainly I was depressed to a lesser degree then than I am now. The downhill slide began over 12 years ago, when my wife of over twenty years, took off with someone else. I was crushed. I hated life. I attempted suicide. After what seemed like twenty years instead of two, I met the love of my life, Deb. Most of you know of her because I have spoken of her many times here. She was a beautiful woman. She was diagnosed with cancer about three years ago, and died last June. I guess I have been living in denial, because the grief is stronger now than it was the day I saw her wasted body take it's last breath out. I am haunted constantly by the desperate look in her hollowed eyes as she fought for life. I am haunted by memories of her two and a half year battle with this evil, cruel disease. To watch her slowly waste away, and to see her suffering grow worse. I am haunted by the thoughts of her in the recovery room after her most serious surgery. The one that left her with bags hanging from her body until the day she died. I remember the times I grew tired and frustrated and said something that may have been hurtful to her. The thought that I may have hurt her in any way haunts me. Those are just some of the things she and I went through. These are the details I have never spoke of before here. Obviously, this is written through my eyes. I can only imagine what she actually felt, because she was such a strong person. She rarely complained during her illness.

I hope this post doesn't come across as self-centered. That is not my intent. It was her battle. It was her that truly suffered. But now that her suffering is gone, mine begins. I miss her so. I curse a God who would take a life so precious. I want to be with her again so badly. I want someone to convince me that I will see her again someday in another place. I want someone to assure me that grief does lessen in time. This is my state of mind right now. It is the real reason why I am not on the boards anymore. I am fighting a battle to keep my sanity, and the pettiness and discord I see on these forums doesn't make it a healthy place for me to visit. I take my medications and wish for a quick death. Sorry if that seems melodramatic, but that is what I am doing now. I am waiting to die. Maybe this feeling will pass someday, but for now it stays with me.

So I say a more formal "Goodbye" to my forum friends. I can't list you all for fear of missing someone, but you know who you are. I wish you a better life than mine, and certainly my girlfriend's.

Please, return to your squabbling.

I'm very sorry to see you go. Good bye.

I lost a son about 12 years ago.
I can honestly tell you it don't quit hurting.
You have good days, you have bad days, but it stays with you.
I wish I had a gentle lie that would help you get past your pain, but there is no lie in me for this.
I know the darkness of a mind that shuns light, I know the hate that consumes all joy.
The hate of being, the hate of that damn tomorrow that insists on coming.
I know about depression.
Not the bi-polar variety.
I'm talking about the type clinicly defined as "chronic and morbid".
How I used to envy the bi-polars for their manic episodes.
I used to sit on the side of my bed with a 9mm, doin the jerk.
Never jerked it quite right, I'm still here.
One evening I attended a play at my younger sons day school.
He stepped out on stage and sang " The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow"".
It made me cry.
I never considered offing myself after that.
Then years later, my eldest son died, suddenly, tragicaly.
My wife and I were crushed.
Somehow in the back of my mind the little memory/movie of my younger son singing that silly show tune came back in re-runs, and somehow helped me through it.
You can get through it.
Never think nobody cares.
Somewhere out here are people who would do anything to take away your pain, I know, I'm one of em.
Stay.
The sun will come out tomorrow.
(God Is)
Love
Jon

im very sorry to read this randman

hope you will feel better someday

:cry: your comedian antics will be missed on the forums..

good luck on anyting else you choose to do in life;)

please come back and visit when you like..

you won't be forgotten by any of the more senior members

:winamp:

im very sorry to read this randman

hope you will feel better someday

:cry: your comedian antics will be missed on the forums..

good luck on anyting else you choose to do in life;)

please come back and visit when you like..

you won't be forgotten by any of the more senior members

:winamp:

Everyone should really take a breather and just stop fighting each other over meaningless positions of 'power' and 'pomp'. So what if someone can ban people from one forum out of a million? So what if someone can change their title when they wish?

Here is someone who has lost things that really count- friends,
companions, true love. These are things worth living for, not a tenuous title. I hope Rand's heartfelt post puts all this ridiculous infighting and politik-ing in perspective.

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow
of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath
borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how
abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at
it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know
not how oft.

-Hamlet Act 5, scene 1

.......:( ........:( .........hmmmmphh....if you need help you know you can always come here, good luck youll be missed.
sincerly
DJ

wow. what can i say. i know my causes of depression are petty compared to yours and i cannot tell you that i know how you are feeling. but i am deeply sorry that all this has happened. i am curious about what you will do next after leaving the forums. take a long vacation. it`ll help no doubt. watch some movies and listen to alot of music,that always helps me get my mind off things. and to answer your question about whether you will see your wife again,i cannot answer that. but you must have faith that you will,and never give up on life. even though you probably think you have done all that is to be done on this earth,you most definitely have not. godspeed randman. :up:

I haven’t been around here long enough to know you as well as some of the others here, but I will still miss you.

I recently lost my grandfather, whom I was very close to, and I (kind of) know what you are going through. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope on the other side of the bridge. And although I don’t believe in god or heaven, I do believe you will see her again, you just might not recognize her. Hope lives in all that is life- one day (hopefully soon) you will find happiness again, and it might even be the littlest thing. A flower, a puppy, a sunset, another... that’s why you need to keep going on. Just wait. It’ll be there...

You will be missed.

-KelseyB

I sincerely hope you find something that occupies your mind and relieves such thoughts. Its a tough battle but its one you must fight. How much effort you want to put through is up to you. What saddens me, is the fact that could be your last post for a long time with no update. Leaves some of wondering how you are doing. In no way is this an attempt to keep you posting, you've clearly stated your reasons. have a good one.

It has all been said already and you probably won't read this, but good luck. you will be missed. (i would put a smiley in here, but none seeem appropriate)

randman.. it's true I dont know you, but a soul knows every soul.

plz dont ever let the thought that you might have hurt her distress you.. for she does feel all the sorrow you're through for her.. and that's by itself is more than enough.. all the love expressed through your tears is such a solace for her where she is now.

I wont tell you to do many things so you might forget it all, for I know you will never forget anything.. I will just pray you will be given the strenght to overcome it and reach a serenity of soul that will open your eyes to life again.

Best of luck...

It has been a pleasure good sir. Please do take some time to put things in perspective. You didn't hurt your wife, randman; you were there for her the whole time, I'm sure she was very appreciative, and right now she is looking down on you and praying that you will be alright- as we all are. No matter how petty you think we are, that will never change the fact that we care about you. You are a good friend, and hopefully the next time you step in here will be more pleasant for you. I cannot promise that everything will be alright, for that is up to you. Sometimes our will to live becomes so perverted with unshakable memories and the confusion of everyday living; that it may seem difficult to press on- but randman that's what you must do. The world is a better place with you alive, please keep that in mind; I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Take care good friend, thanks for the good times, and keep your head up- hopefully we will run into each other sooner than later.

Regards,
Bop

You know how good you are and what you've brought to the forums, so I won't extoll your virtues. I wish life didn't treat the best of us in the worst way. I hope you can make peace with yourself, and if you can't, I hope those who have personal contact with your life see what a stand up guy you are. God bless.

-rm