Coming out

[horse-fly]

As some of you know, I am transgendered. And as such, I do prefer to be refered to and treated as a person of my prefered gender (Female). As many of you aren't too keen on proper references or expectations, I have found some guidelines that came help you out.

Basic Stuff

* Accept me as a full-fledged member of the gender I identify as.
* Always use the language that corresponds to my gender identity, e.g. he, she, even if my body does not seem to match yet and even when talking about my past.
* If you are still adjusting, it's normal to make mistakes. Don't draw attention to it by saying "sorry". Just correct yourself right after and carry on.
* If I identify as male, never use female-marked words like girl, waitress, breasts, vagina, etc. to describe anything about me, and vice versa. Always use language that corresponds to my gender. For example, if I am a female-to-male transsexual person, I am always a guy and never a girl. Don't call me "female-bodied", unless I use that term myself.
* A transsexual girl is male-to-female. A transsexual guy is female-to-male. Never the other way around.
* Gender identity has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Whether I am attracted to men, women, both or neither is a totally separate thing from whether I am male or female. For example, if I am a trans girl who likes girls, treat me no differently than any other lesbian woman.
* Don't expect me to conform to the stereotypes of my gender. I'll wear whatever clothes I like and have whatever interests I have. Being masculine or feminine (i.e. having mannerisms or interests that are seen by society as stereotypical of one gender) has nothing to do with being male or female (i.e. identifying as a certain gender). Butch trans women and feminine trans guys exist, just like they do among non-transsexual people.
* For almost all trans people, being transsexual is not a choice or a decision. It is a simple reality. The only "decision" is whether to accept my situation and fix it to live a healthier life, or deny it and suffer.
* Never mention my old name or ever ask what it was. Instead of saying "back when you were Fred", say "before you came out as female". (Since very few of you know my real name, this shouldn't be a problem)
* Don't use my name in the 3rd person as if I was a person separate from myself, e.g. "are you dressing as Lisa now?"
* I am a person, a guy or a girl, a man or a woman, foremost. If you must use the word transsexual (or trans), it's better to use it as an adjective to describe a person, not as a noun onto itself, e.g. trans people, trans folks, trans guy.
* When it comes down to it, the matter is very simple: I am a guy or a girl. That's all!

Transition

* Use the word "transition" to describe what I am going through or went though.
* The changes I make to my body are not purely cosmetic, but rather reconstructive. Having a body I am comfortable with is vital to my health and in my social and physical interactions with other people.
* Don't openly talk about my genitals any more than you would for a non-trans person, unless I bring up the topic myself.
* Don't immediately assume that genital sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) is my priority. Every transsexual person is unique and chooses different steps during their transition, based on many factors. Not everyone wants SRS.

Social Situations

* Being transsexual is a very personal matter. Treat it with respect.
* I'm not here to shock anyone or get attention. I am not selfish. I'm just a person like anyone else, and I have a right to be healthy and live in my honest gender.
* If I blend well (i.e. I pass) or if I am online, then don't tell anyone I am transsexual unless they are too. Just talk about me like any other normal guy or girl, according to my gender identity.
* Don't introduce me as your "transsexual" friend. Don't ask me to explain my life story or my gender situation to people I just met.

The Nature of Gender

* Gender comes from the way our brain, mind and/or soul is configured, not from the body. Chromosomes, hormones, upbringing, etc. do not determine or change a person's gender.
* The only person who can know about their gender is themself. No external "clues" can prove or disprove somebody's true inner gender. Some people knew it their entire lives. Some manage to deny it for a long time. Some always knew there was something different. Some did a lot of soul searching to figure out they were male or female and that this was a legitimate medical situation.
* Don't call a non-transsexual woman a "real girl" or "completely female".

Terminology

* Do not confuse transsexuality with cross-dressing. Cross-dressers are men who like to wear women's clothing for sexual or fetishized reasons. These men do not identify as female and are often straight.
* Do not confuse transsexual people with drag queens or kings. Drag performers will wear elaborate and often stereotypical clothes of the opposite gender on stage for show or to do impersonations. This is most often done by gays and lesbians.
* The term "transgendered" is an umbrella term that includes any and all gender variant people: transsexual people, cross-dressers, drag kings and queens, intersex, genderqueer and bigendered people, and many other types. Be careful when using it. For example, many transsexual people don't like to be associated with cross-dressers.
* The term "tranny" is slang for transsexual, either as an adjective or noun. Many feel that it is offensive, on par with words like fag, dyke and nigger. As such, many feel that only trans people themselves can reclaim it and use it. In some cities, however, it only means cross-dresser and not transsexual. Use it with much caution, if at all.
* The term "she-male" is vulgar and never appropriate. It is used by the pornography industry to objectify and fetishize pre-operative transsexual women.
* Don't call it cross-dressing if I am wearing clothes that match my gender. Cross-dressing is if I wear clothes of the opposite gender, e.g. a female-to-male transsexual man wearing women's clothing.

If I Just Came Out

* If I have just come out as my new gender, you should use my new name and pronouns with me and with all (and only those) who know about me, even (and especially!) with people who are still struggling to adjust to my correct gender. Be casual about it. Don't make a big deal about it.
* If I haven't told everyone yet that I am trans, then don't tell anyone.

http://www.kisa.ca/respect.html

If I find anything offensive, I don't mind PM'img a mod. If you think something may be considered offensive, but you are not sure, then it is probably a good idea not to post it.

In the end, I hope this doesn't greatly affect the community.

Thanks for reading.

(Now can I get my "Forum Queen" title?)

[Fickle]

wow.

I am only confused as to deciding how someone would notice if a female to male transgendered person wore womens clothes; or visa-versa. (As far as I understand it) that would mean a female who becomes a male wears female clothes, right? If they still don't have a penis, doesn't that not draw attention? I mean, does that happen often?
(And no, I'm not attacking you, if that's what you're thinking.)

[pixiefied]

unless your name changes, you will always be Horse-fly.



i normally dont address people here as he/she and i probably never will. everyone is called by their names in my book and now i hope this wont stir up anything. i dont think anything will but i do hope you will take any and all critisism lightly. the other board members that came out of their shell in the recent years did put up with some shit..but not much. and good luck telling your family if that ever comes up soon

[horse-fly]

I told my mother, and that didn't go as planned. But oh well.

Originally posted by Fickle
wow.

I am only confused as to deciding how someone would notice if a female to male transgendered person wore womens clothes; or visa-versa. (As far as I understand it) that would mean a female who becomes a male wears female clothes, right? If they still don't have a penis, doesn't that not draw attention? I mean, does that happen often?
(And no, I'm not attacking you, if that's what you're thinking.)

I am going male to female. I am not all to sure of what female to male people do in terms of that stuff. People wear clothes in terms of what their gender is, so a MtoF would wear women's clothes.

[Mrs_Mia_Wallace]

Wow horse-fly, when you first mentioned the Forum Queen thing I thought you were only joking...I respect you very much for that you tell everyone openly about it

Just as Pixie, I mostly refer to people with their name, also because with some new members I don't even know if they are male or female. I have no problem whatsoever referring to you as "she" if it ever comes up. Good luck with this probably difficult phase of telling everyone about it (sorry that it didn't go that well with your mother, but she probably just needs time to adjust, you're still her child no matter what ). I'll slap anyone here who maybe makes a dumb or mean comment.

*hugs horse-fly*

Mia

[mysterious_w]

Well, I haven't been here long. And as 95% of other AVS’ers are male, I naturally thought you were too. But then I saw you new avatar, and I thought, ‘oh so she’s a girl then, alright’. And now I know your transgendered. And I couldn’t care less. I’ll just treat you as a girl, as you wish. And just remember if you get any shit they’re just retarded fools.

/edit Oh yeh, good luck with whatever you're going to do.

[MaDCaT75]

[mark]

madcat? i thought you ran home crying from here after someone insulted you?

Horsefly, I wont say much, or foot will meet mouth, and mia will slap me, but I just want to say i respect you for doing this in a public forum, even if we don't know your name or anything, and that It doesnt matter what you decide to do, youre still horsefly and a valued member of the forums.

I guess i'd better not suggest the winamp forums to somethingaweful for the weekend web now...

[DragonSon]

A perfectly good thread ruined by Madcat. Anyway, good luck with everything horse-fly. If you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.

[CraigF]

i am man. there is no room for negotiation.

[Germ]

Thanks for informing us all how to act around you.
Without your guidance I think we all would have been totally lost.

[Raz]

You had my respect when you just acted normally about it.

Posting a thread with rules and regulations on how to act. No.

[zootm]

No guarantees of using the word "transition". That's a bit of a silly demand.

The rest is cool with me, since it's common freakin' sense. A thread like this is only drawing public attention to what you call a "private matter".

[siebe83]

But it's also part of her identity now, so I guess she just wanted us to know.
And for a trans girl, gender is more important for her identity than for not-trans boys/girls. She would get some complex if she hadn't tell us openly.

But ok, those rules are a bit overdone. It just a matter of sensefull conversation, I think. (even with a joke sometimes, right? if you accept yourself, you will be able to accept SOME jokes?)

[edit]
damn, I had to edit this post...
you do not want to know why...

[aFfLiCtEd]

I'm thinking it was more a statement for . . .

(Now can I get my "Forum Queen" title?)

... but what the hell? ... different strokes for different folks ... it's all good!

[Widdykats]

I'll refer to you as she since that is your wish!
In life, as you know, you get a lot of shit for "being yourself"!!! It isn't always easy to be yourself!
Hang Tough!

[CaboWaboAddict]

I'm wondering why the big deal...

If I was horse-fly and couldn't get my designation changed from forum king to forum queen, I would simply create a new account as a female, call myself horsefly or horse_fly or some other variant and be done with it.

hell, it might be fun being a noob poser!

[Widdykats]

Because she wants to be treated with respect to her wishes!

[CaboWaboAddict]

I completely understand that. For a week now we have been hearing about it. I think the regulars all know. That's not what I'm getting at.
It seems to me that if I wanted to be treated normally, I wouldn't draw that much attention to myself. It just seems with the rule list she wants us to treat her in a special way.
Equality is just that. Having to treat someone different, whether better or worse, it is not equality.

[Widdykats]

Phily is a guy...I think he's straight...makes no nevermind, except that he wanted Forum Queen and got it!

[CraigF]

forum tranny?

[shakey_snake]

Originally posted by CaboWaboAddict
I completely understand that. For a week now we have been hearing about it. I think the regulars all know. That's not what I'm getting at.
It seems to me that if I wanted to be treated normally, I wouldn't draw that much attention to myself. It just seems with the rule list she wants us to treat her in a special way.
Equality is just that. Having to treat someone different, whether better or worse, it is not equality.

Holy Crap! no liquor reference!

(looks around...doesn't know what to do...confusingly raises fist in a celabratory sense...yells)

MAS Tequila!

[CaboWaboAddict]

I hear that an raise ya a glass! Mas Tequila!

[Phyltre]

Question not necessarily (though possibly) addressed to horse-fly: isn't it rare for such a transition to occur at such a young age? Literature on the topic I'd read said that normally it happened around forty or fifty.

Of course, I'm assuming that the date in your custom title is a birthdate...

[horse-fly]

It happens to be my birthyear, but I screwed up on the date that the Breakfast Club took place (1984). Overall, I do think it is as common for a 19 year old person to begin transitioning as it is for a 40 year old. Most of the times, the 40 year old hasn't come to the realization that their gender is the problem, or some even try to live without really dealing with it. In fact I have read stories of people transitioning at the age of 3.

[mark]

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088847/


'85?

[horse-fly]

In the movie it is 1984.

Originally posted by Raz
You had my respect when you just acted normally about it.

Posting a thread with rules and regulations on how to act. No.

Ok fine, but I wanted to make sure that people at these forums would know some simple guidelines for respect and educational purposes. Not everyone is aware that transgendered people exist, but they think that we are all like the people on Jerry Springer. We aren't sex crazed gay men who feel that the only way to get some action is through changing sexes.

No one necessarily has to follow those guidelines, but I do appreciate it if you would

[will]

Originally posted by horse-fly
In the end, I hope this doesn't greatly affect the community.

How on earth could it?

[toqer]

What happened to your pecker after they chopped it off? Is it in a pickle jar?

[liquidmotion]

toqer you can't pickle a pickle.

[Widdykats]

Originally posted by t0qer
What happened to your pecker after they chopped it off? Is it in a pickle jar?

It becomes a vagina!! Well part of the penis does..

[siebe83]

NOT.. RE..LE..VANT..

[liquidmotion]

SIE...BE...83..IS..GA...Y

[siebe83]

NOT.. RE..LE..VANT..

[liquidmotion]

SIE...BE...83..IS..GA...Y

[siebe83]

is that meant to be insulting?
if so: fuck you
if not: what did make you think so?

[Mrs_Mia_Wallace]

/slaps liquidmotion

Mia

[horse-fly]

Mia is getting "dominatrix" on your both.

[Germ]

hit me
hurt me good

[Phyltre]

suddenly this forum seems a lot more sexual.

even more so than before.