yeah, i dont know what's wrong with me, i'm serious...
probably my low self esteem, shyness, and not knowing what to do so i wont be boring, i dont fear nos, i fear what the date will think of me.. the fact that i stutter isn't helping me either... i mean... i've tried.
i'm not going to unfold my whole murky history because its too boring and not pretty, i'll just tell that i tried to "date" in my highschool and late elementary days (if you can call it that), and it always ended worse than it started or the same, i've had 1 girl that was at the same preschool and elementary as me, same class too, she liked me, i loved her... i even visited her house a couple of times (mostly because my dad told me to get homework from her when i came with an empty notebook, but my dad is another story
also i've had some days where i would try to be a gentleman to the girls in my class, you know... small gestures, and they interperted it as like i'm hitting on them, i would pass notes to a male friend of mine back and forth, and then one of the girls snatched up one of the notes and kept it to read it later, she even let me reach down her front pocket to take it, the note contained some embarassing statements i didn't want a girl to read, so you realise how i've acted.
the same week, the most developed and down to earth girl in my class came to me and staightforwardly asked me to be her friend, i said sure (when a girl asks YOU, when youre not the best looking in the class, you dont say no
) next day she "mysteriously" became ill, the day after that she came back, you can guess what happened then.
highschool was weirder than that, because i've came with alot of "load" from my elementary days, i've had 1 weird outcasted girl to flirt with, ofcourse it ended nowhere and her missing (i think the school blamed me for that, but she looked over developed and slutty but incredibly empty, so i'm sure she ran away and got raped or killed or both)
every girl i contact or come in contact with me, spells bad news for me or her, so you probably know now why i find comfort alone at home. even male friends of mine.. each ended kinda badly (no deaths or something, just immatureness of either part or no basis to the friendship)
the problem is that i'm cute, funny, friendly, social, smart, understanding... you know.. the goody 2 shoes you used to beat up at highschool for being naive and cute, girls came onto me, school mates stood under my house to call me to go out with them, each time i ran away, i've tried going out with them, but i felt i was dragging along with no common things, so yet again i secluded myself. and those are not even the highlights of the tip of the iceberg of my life
would you believe me if i said the only people i contact right now are you guys? i know i said that i exaggerate and you shouldn't take me seriously, but i'm quite serious, depression still kicks me from time to time, i try to even it up by watching something funny on youtube or whacking off to porn just to make me feel better, not only for orgasm. and it goes like this for days now, its like "winamp > youtube > winamp > food > deviantart > porn > winamp > toilet > youtube > porn > playstation > photoshop project > porn > winamp"
i dont know what to do, i really feel like theres no purpose for my life, add my non employment factor and trying to learn driving with no will to do the theory side" my mom and me are in a wreck right now, still stable, but shaky, my neck problems dont make it any easier, i dont wanna go to the hospital because i dont wanna be like "ok, you're gonna need head surgery"... imagine calling my mom from the hospital in this situation.
i dont know, i feel like my life is a big void right now, i dont know how much time will it take for it to get any worse