Old 5th July 2002, 20:07   #1
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The favourite jokes thread.

I'm sure this has been done before, but anyway - post your favourite jokes.

Don't know how well this one translates to the written form:

There were two gynecologists - an English gynecologist and a French gynecologist. They both worked at the same clinic for 7 years, and every day they went for lunch together. One day, while they were having lunch, the French gynacologist said to the English one, "I tell you! Zis morning, I 'ad ze most incredible patient! Her clitoris, it was like a watermelon!!". "Oh, steady on old boy," replied the English gynecologist, "Don't be ridiculous. I mean, if she had a clitoris like a watermelon, then the poor woman would hardly even be able to walk!" "No, no, you imbecile! I am talking about ze flavour!"

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Old 6th July 2002, 16:51   #2
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pretty sure this HAS been done, but i'm not the one to complain, so...
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Old 6th July 2002, 19:38   #3
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Practically no response. Ok, this one is bound to get a bit more of a response


The year is 2006. It is the World Cup, which is being held in Germany. Brazil is due to play England, and so Ronaldo makes his way into the dressing room to get ready. Inside, he sees his teammates, who are all looking really glum. Alarmed, he asks what's wrong. "Well, it's just that we're playing England. We know it's the World Cup and everything, but they are such a bad team, that it's just so hard to get ourselves motivated for the game". Ronaldo thinks for a second, and says "OK! I tell you what - I'll play them myself! You guys go for a beer and relax, and I'll just do it myself". They all agree that it's a good idea, so they leave for the pub. At the pub, someone realises that game would have started by now. They ask the bartender if they can switch on the TV for the teletext score update. He switches it on, and they see: Brazil 1 - England 0 - (Ronaldo 10mins). Woo hoo! They all cheer. Ronaldo is beating England all by himself! Another round is ordered, and they soon forget about the match. Some time later, someone realises that the match would have ended, so they switch on the TV again and see the full-time result: Brazil 1 - England 1 - (Ronaldo 10mins, Beckham 89 mins). Yeah!! Ronaldo has drawn with England singlehandedly! Everyone cheers, and they run off to the stadium to congratulate their teammate. When they get to the dressing room, they see Ronaldo with his face in his hands, looking dejected. What's wrong, they ask. "I'm so sorry guys, I totally let you down!" "What are you talking about? You drew with England all by yourself! It was a very good result" one of the Brazilian players says. But Ronaldo shakes his head. "No, no, I let the whole team down - getting sent off in the twelth minute like that."

I got this in my e-mail yesterday. I actually quite like the England team (better than the Polish team at any rate), but I thought it was funny.

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Old 6th July 2002, 19:45   #4
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Theres this Bank clerck called Pady Wack, she works in a bank in the middle of town. Now one day a Frog walks into the bank and asks for a £30,000 loan, she asks his name, "Kermit Jagger" he responds, she asks for credential, he says "ah no all I've got is this" and hands her a moddle elephant. she looks bermused and asks what it means he tells her to just tell the manerger and he'd sourt it out, this she dose and asks "What the hells the elephant about?" he sighs and responds

"Its a NicNac Pady Wack, give the frog a loan. His old mans a roling stone."


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Old 6th July 2002, 19:48   #5
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Gee man, I saw all the votes for you as "worst speller" in the forum yearbook thread, and now I understand Actually, I'm beginning to suspect that "illegitimi nil carborundum est" is supposed to be in English.

edit: I know it's Latin. I know your spelling's not that bad.

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Last edited by StillWater; 6th July 2002 at 20:07.
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Old 6th July 2002, 19:52   #6
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whoops! what happend there?

ah clicked back button to meny times!

And its Latin, I looked it up with a latin Buf

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Old 6th July 2002, 20:04   #7
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A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
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Old 6th July 2002, 20:06   #8
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Oh god I saw that coming, me way to Bilbo Minded

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Old 6th July 2002, 21:01   #9
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A blond is out for a walk one day when she comes to a river. She can't see any way across but she *can* see another blond on the other side. "Hey!" she calls "Excuse me, but how do I get to the other side of the river?" The second blond looks up the river, then down the river, then calls back "You *are* on the other side!"

"Curiosity, kitten, doesn't have to mean you're on your own"
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Old 6th July 2002, 21:16   #10
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THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat . . . "

*******************

An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."

One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?"

Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic -- are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?"

"Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist."

"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?"

"I mount d..d..dead animals."

"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's one of us!"

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Old 6th July 2002, 23:22   #11
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"Do you have a criminal record?"
"Good heavens, I had no idea one was still required."


British joke about entering Australia.




hehahaheahheh....i crack myself up sometimes.....stop no really...it's hurting
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Old 6th July 2002, 23:32   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by [geeza]steak

"Do you have a criminal record?"
"Good heavens, I had no idea one was still required."

hehe. I like it.

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Old 6th July 2002, 23:39   #13
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Thanks

But to be honest I got it out of this book I am reading,

By Eric Idle, one of the Monty Python gang. It's called "The road to mars"

It's really really good. I 100% recommend it to anyone, real laughs
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Old 7th July 2002, 00:15   #14
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I might just follow that suggestion, actually

Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?






They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

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Old 7th July 2002, 16:05   #15
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Good evening ladies, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. Do you know them? Dr. Watson asked.
No, Holmes replied, I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.
Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?

Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.

The prostitute, he continued, grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.

Amazing! Watson exclaimed. But how did you know the third was a newlywed?
Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other.
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Old 7th July 2002, 18:23   #16
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There is a billionaire that wants a perfect dream house built for him, baring no expenses. He looks around everywhere for the right architect to but the house for him. Finally after about a year of searching, he finds "the one." The architect starts to build the house and tell the billionaire to go on a vacation for 1 year while he builds the perfect house.

One year to the day, the billionaire returns from his vacation and is astonished. The house has to be constructed in the worst fashion ever, it is not worth the 50 million he gave the architect to build the house. He wants to see the architect right away to get his money back and punch him a few times. The architect says that the house is pretty bad and wishes to have another go at building the perfect house. The billionaire says no, you had your chance. But the architect says, if I can throw this brick up into the air and it stays there, will you give me another chance? The billionaire, naturally, takes the bet. So the architect takes the brick, heaves it into the air.

The brick does not come down so being a man true to his word, he gives the architect another chance at building the house.
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Old 8th July 2002, 13:29   #17
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Um, I didn't get that one, am I just slow? And don't say yes I just missed something obviously...
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Old 14th July 2002, 18:45   #18
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There was a lady on a plane with a yappy dog. It was constantly barking. The lady that had the dog thought that it must be the man in front of her that was smoking a big cigar that was making the dog bark. The man in front smoking didn't like the dog barking. So he asked the lady to make it stop and the lady say he'll stop when you stop smoking. So the man went back to his seat upset.

The dog did not stop barking. The man got up again and said to the lady make it stop and the lady say once again he'll stop when you stop smoking. By now the man was furious. He said make the dog stop now and the lady said no.

The man had had it. He picked up the dog and threw it out the window. The lady was so upset she looked out the window to try to catch her dog but what she saw was to her astonishment. The dog was hanging onto the wing with a brick in its mouth.





If you don't get it, read the above post.
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Old 14th July 2002, 18:54   #19
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Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His underwear fit like a glove.
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Old 14th July 2002, 21:52   #20
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Two guys are arrested for drug possession and are put on trial. The judge sees that they've been in some trouble in the past and are eligible for several years in jail, but he tells them that they can get a lighter sentence if they try to help as many people as possible in 6 months to quit using drugs . The two men agree and are sent off to begin their task.

6 months later, the two men come back and the judge asks the first how how many people he had helped quit drugs. The first guy says, "Sixty people."

The judge is astonished and asks him, "How did you do that?"

The man explains that he drew a big circle and a little circle, then he pointed to the large circle and said, "This is your brain before drugs." He then pointed to the smaller circle and said, "And this is your brain after drugs."

The judge nods and asks the second man, "How many people did you help to quit drugs?"

The second guy says, "One hundred." The judge is absolutely amazed and asks him how he did it. The guy says that he drew a big circle and a little circle. He pointed to the little circle and said, "This is your asshole before jail, and this is your asshole after jail."

Neargh.
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Old 15th July 2002, 03:08   #21
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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort in her tummy, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli and cheese casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. She is afraid to excuse herself to go to the restroom, for fear that if she moves, a gigantic fart will escape while she is walking across the room. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Damn it, Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Damn it Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

A very close Japanese friend I knew a while ago once said to me "Watashi no koto wo oboeta, onegai shimasu...Yakusoku?"

I forgot his name though...
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Old 27th July 2002, 15:35   #22
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Quote:
Originally posted by [geeza]steak
Thanks

But to be honest I got it out of this book I am reading,

By Eric Idle, one of the Monty Python gang. It's called "The road to mars"

It's really really good. I 100% recommend it to anyone, real laughs
I bought it, and I'm reading it now - it's not bad - I'm quite enjoying it.



A young guy bursts into a bar, runs up to the barman and exclaims loudly "Barman, seven straight shots of Scotch!!". The barman raises an eyebrow and looks at him. The guy seems only about 18 or so, fairly thin - he's probably a bit over-enthusiastic ordering seven shots at once, the barman thinks. But what the heck, he pours the seven shots and slides them over to the young guy. The guy, without any hesitation, slams them down, one by one - with hardly as much as a blink of an eye. The barman is really impressed.
"Say boy! That's some good, strong drinking there!" he says, "What's the occasion?!"
"Oh, I've just had my first ever blowjob!" the boy replies.
The barman laughs. "Aaaah, a cause for celebration if ever I heard one! Let me buy you another!"
"No thanks. If those don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

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