Old 6th January 2003, 14:19   #1
. - .... .- -. ....
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Homophobic Little Girl......

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of **** in our garden."

Like my photography? Buy some here....
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Old 6th January 2003, 14:23   #2
The Holy One
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Tower: "Say fuelstate."

Pilot: "Fuelstate."

Tower: "Say again."

Pilot: "Again."

Tower: "Arghl, give me your fuel!"

Pilot: "Sorry, need it by myself..."
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Old 6th January 2003, 15:08   #3
MrMagick
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that's too funny

-~MrMagick~-
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Old 6th January 2003, 15:33   #4
SNYder
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Quote:
Originally posted by ethan_h
...
funny But, was it Daddy Long Legs or Black Widows that aren't ACTUALLY spiders?

Quote:
Originally posted by The Holy One
...
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Old 6th January 2003, 15:38   #5
Schismx
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Daddy Long Legs is a cranefly.
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Old 6th January 2003, 15:50   #6
rronzoo
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Quote:
Originally posted by Schismx
Daddy Long Legs is a cranefly.
No kidding? I didn't know that. Interesting.

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Old 6th January 2003, 17:27   #7
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A medical question....
A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how he's feeling. The 90-year-old says,
"I've never felt better. I have an 18 yr old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins,
"I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went, 'Bang, bang and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said,
"I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied ...
"My point exactly."


BE CAREFUL WHAT INVITATIONS ARE ACCEPTED FROM STRANGERS........HA HA HA

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come.
About 5:00..."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinking'.
"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."


[SIZE=1/4]another reason not to visit Alaska for Christmas...[/SIZE]

I am so important I feel the need to let it be known like a liberal discovering the internets for the first time. Uh hur hur hur. I also wash myself with a rag on a stick.
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Old 6th January 2003, 21:55   #8
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Hehe

LMFAO
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Old 6th January 2003, 22:35   #9
Shenlong
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Got this in some spam mail a while back...

Quote:
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China. Read on...

HU'S ON FIRST

By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U. N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U. N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U. N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U. N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U. N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

A very close Japanese friend I knew a while ago once said to me "Watashi no koto wo oboeta, onegai shimasu...Yakusoku?"

I forgot his name though...
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Old 6th January 2003, 23:30   #10
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Thank goodness that didn't include Dick Cheney.
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Old 6th January 2003, 23:42   #11
InvisableMan
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haha. shoot the beaver.
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Old 6th January 2003, 23:45   #12
Avalon
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What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair?

A wanna "b"
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Old 7th January 2003, 02:13   #13
eleet-2k2
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haha @ all the jokes! Very funny.

"Welcome to the Island of people who know too much."..."Did you really think balloons would stop him?!"
See what I'm listening too.
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Old 7th January 2003, 02:24   #14
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What's the best part about having sex with a *-year old in the shower? You can slick their hair back and make them look like they're *.

edited for content heh.

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Old 7th January 2003, 03:06   #15
dlinkwit27
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Quote:
Originally posted by liquidmotion
What's the best part about having sex with a *-year old in the shower? You can slick their hair back and make them look like they're *.

edited for content heh.
care to PM me the unedited version?
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Old 7th January 2003, 03:09   #16
hgnis
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Quote:
Originally posted by dlinkwit27
care to PM me the unedited version?
Trust me you're better off not knowing....

I am so important I feel the need to let it be known like a liberal discovering the internets for the first time. Uh hur hur hur. I also wash myself with a rag on a stick.
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Old 7th January 2003, 03:13   #17
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I still wanna know tho.

Whats the word part about having sex with a *-year old?
-Hearing the bones crack

(my friend told me that one, yes it's horrible, but it also funny!. You shoul be thankful I'm not repeating his dead baby jokes)
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Old 7th January 2003, 03:17   #18
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What's worse than a dead baby?
A pile of dead babies.

What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
Being under a pile of dead babies.

What's worse than being under a pile of dead babies?
Having to eat your way out.

My absolute favorite.

For the freedom to express myself in my own way without fear of being censored or banned.
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Old 7th January 2003, 03:20   #19
dlinkwit27
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Whats the difference between a corvette and a pile of dead baby's?
-I don't have a corvette in my garage

What's red, bubbly, and scratches at glass
-A baby in a microwave

What's worse than a pile of dead baby's?
-The one in the middle trying to eat it's way out

hester asked for it...
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Old 7th January 2003, 03:22   #20
hestermofet
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What's worse than a baby in a trash can?
10 babies in 10 trash cans.

What's worse than 10 babies in 10 trash cans?
1 baby in 10 trash cans.

For the freedom to express myself in my own way without fear of being censored or banned.
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Old 7th January 2003, 03:25   #21
dlinkwit27
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Quote:
Originally posted by hestermofet
What's worse than 10 babies in 10 trash cans?
1 baby in 10 trash cans.
that one is getting told to my friend tomoarrow!
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Old 7th January 2003, 03:27   #22
hestermofet
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Glad you liked it

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Old 7th January 2003, 03:36   #23
dlinkwit27
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I know a few other really god jokes, but they involve race and such, so I don't think i'll tell them. Persoanly, I think all racist jokes are funny, no matter what race they target (as long as they stay jokes).
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Old 7th January 2003, 03:43   #24
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How do you float a dead baby?
Take your foot of its head.

How do you get 10 dead babies into a punch bowl?
A blender.

How do you get them out?
Doritos.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.

What is worse than running a baby over with a car?
Getting it out of the tires.

What's the proper gift for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

What is red and hangs around in trees?
A baby that was hit by a snow blower.

What's red and white and is spread all over the lawn?
A baby run over by a lawn mower.

What's red, white and green and is spread all over the lawn?
Same baby, two months later.

What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman on a children's playground!


and finally,

Whats white and bobs up and down in a baby's cot ?
A pedophiles ass.

For the freedom to express myself in my own way without fear of being censored or banned.
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Old 7th January 2003, 03:59   #25
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LOL, I don't thinkother members approve of our tate of humour hester. I just a received a IM asking my to "cool it with the child jokes." Fair enuf tho, new type of jokes....
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Old 7th January 2003, 04:05   #26
hgnis
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Quote:
The Rules Of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been know to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to be come irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged;however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace. at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Damn, I have to learn golf...

I am so important I feel the need to let it be known like a liberal discovering the internets for the first time. Uh hur hur hur. I also wash myself with a rag on a stick.
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Old 7th January 2003, 04:08   #27
duet maxwell
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i only found "HU'S ON FIRST" funny.. nuff said
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Old 7th January 2003, 04:13   #28
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duet, they all are funny!
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Old 7th January 2003, 05:45   #29
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christ, those kiddie jokes are fucked up.

For a good time: shup | stashbox | my homepage
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Old 7th January 2003, 09:18   #30
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fucked up but funny
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Old 7th January 2003, 09:21   #31
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from southpark: "they're all pink on this inside!"

i don't know if it's right or wrong to laugh at dead baby jokes, but i can't help it so :P
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Old 7th January 2003, 09:57   #32
s0be
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ok, I'm sure it's in bad taste to post one more baby joke, but it can't be that big of a difference at this point:

what's the difference between a truck full of dead babys and a truck full of bowling balls?

you can't use a pitchfork to unload the bowling balls.

s0be

And On that day, the Lords of the land said unto their Master Architect, "The temple you have made to the gods of Wasabi and Maki has brought us no great prosperity" and they sent out him into the lands.

As he traveled to a far off land, he found he wasn't traveling alone, but that he had gained companions, and when they found their new land, they started work on a new temple, one that would be OPEN to all who wanted to worship.

from The Book of Wasabi C 12 Vs 09 (pg 2003)
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Old 7th January 2003, 10:02   #33
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
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Old 7th January 2003, 10:18   #34
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yuk yuk yuk
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Old 7th January 2003, 12:10   #35
fwgx
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What sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?

A baby combing it's hair with a cheese grater.

"We think science is interesting and if you disagree, you can fuck off."
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Old 7th January 2003, 13:06   #36
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Bizznatch's wus funny
im sorry but i just cant bring myself to finde teh baby jokes funy.. i imidietly get defencive for them ....
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Old 7th January 2003, 13:08   #37
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i bet duet maxwell is the sort of guy who sits watching 6 feet under saying "that's horrible and disrespectful".
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Old 7th January 2003, 13:38   #38
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Those dead baby jokes ALWAYS crack me up.
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Old 7th January 2003, 14:05   #39
duet maxwell
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Quote:
Originally posted by binary hero
i bet duet maxwell is the sort of guy who sits watching 6 feet under saying "that's horrible and disrespectful".
#1 im a femme100%( girl, not a guy)
#2 im saying " its not my stile of jokes" ( the dead babys)
#3 whats 6 feet under?? ( other than people who get burried) are u refering to some show i never heard of?
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Old 8th January 2003, 03:07   #40
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if gay's come out of clostes, what do gay midgets come out of?
-cubbords

this is all in fun, i don't dislike gbl's or little people/dwarfs/midgets (whatever the pol. correct term is these days) just thought the joke was funny. If for somereason anyone is offended, or a mod wants to remoev it, feel free
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