Old 8th March 2008, 13:38   #1
ShyShy
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George Carlin's new rules for 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad forclassmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
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Old 8th March 2008, 15:42   #2
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<3 George Carlin
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Old 8th March 2008, 16:33   #3
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Quote:
Originally posted by sgtfuzzbubble99
<3 George Carlin

powered by C₂H₅OH
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Old 8th March 2008, 23:08   #4
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I thought George Carlin was dead! I guess Target hasn't solved the social security crisis yet.

Nah, I kid, the guy is a genius. I especially like http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jCljFYn3zTY.
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Old 9th March 2008, 00:48   #5
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He always makes me smirk.

present day present time
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Old 9th March 2008, 00:50   #6
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Who the fuck is George Carlin?

This is a sig of some nature.
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Old 9th March 2008, 00:57   #7
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Old 9th March 2008, 00:57   #8
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Only the best cynicist ever.

just as feathery as ever | portfolio | a poignant quote
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Old 9th March 2008, 01:50   #9
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Gearge Carlin is a comic political and social commentator. He has been around since Christ left Chicago..and he's still funny.
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Old 9th March 2008, 02:39   #10
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Funny, but...

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

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Old 9th March 2008, 02:57   #11
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I suspected as much, but didn't see any reason to rain on Sharon's parade.
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Old 9th March 2008, 08:33   #12
ShyShy
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Meh, don't care who's the author, thought it was a funny list
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Old 9th March 2008, 10:42   #13
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New Rule: If America's richest one-percent are now so rich that even a five-star hotel isn't good enough, it's time to bring back the guillotine.

Yes, what's being dubbed America's first "six-star" hotel has just opened in Miami Beach. How ritzy is it? Well, let's put it this way. J-Lo can afford to stay here, but her husband can't. At this hotel, when they ask if you'd like help with your bag, they're talking about your scrotum.

But, this is America, and we can afford it, along with $2-trillion wars and tax cuts. But, there's one thing we can't afford, and that's health care for sick kids.

So, the question I'm asking is, how did it all ever get so uneven? Warren Buffett asks that question. He's the third-richest man in the world, and a decent man. He points out how ridiculous it is that he - the third-richest man in the world - is taxed at 17.7%, while his secretary, who makes sixty grand a year, is taxed at 30%. Which brings up a very fundamental economic question: why is Warren Buffett paying his secretary only sixty grand a year? He's the third-richest man in the world!

But, you know, the days when a shop girl in the big city could support herself working a full 40-hour week, or a family of four could live off a single blue-collar breadwinner, are as bygone a fantasy as malt shops or heterosexual wizards. If you're living hand-to-mouth, and still buying into the con that the big threats to America are socialized medicine, Mexican immigrants and tax increases, then you're not being kept down by the rich. You're being kept down by you.

In America, it's not the haves and have-nots. It's the haves and the been-hads. If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won't give you health care over someone you will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can't afford to have your head examined.

Please remember that if you hear the new radio ad from Rudy Giuliani, who says his chances of surviving prostate cancer in America were 82%, whereas, in England, under "socialized medicine," his chances would have been 44%. Numbers that, like the cancer, were pulled directly out of Rudy's ass.

Now, I know socialized medicine sounds like Stalin himself is going to come over to your house and perform a forced sterilization. But, really all it is, is universal health care. Which means everybody - not just the rich - gets to see a doctor when their erection lasts longer than 72 hours.

And I just hope that one day, ten or fifteen years from now, one of Rush Limbaugh's "Ditto Heads" is going to wake up in his cell in debtors' prison - because that's where President Giuliani throws you when you can't pay your Visa bill - and he'll turn on the Fox Financial Channel, and as he watches some CEO gloat over his $200 million in stock options, he's going to suddenly realize that he's been had. And on that day, that man will begin the great middle class uprising of the 21st century.

Oh, no, he'll probably just switch over to "Pimp My Truck."
<3 Bill Maher
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Old 9th March 2008, 16:24   #14
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Quote:
Originally posted by SSJ4 Gogitta
Funny, but...

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp
I knew some of those things in that list sounded familiar, but the name "George Carlin" just didn't ring a bell for me...

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Old 10th March 2008, 05:24   #15
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I still have some old George Carlin LP records - dating back to the "seven words you can't say on television". Now his list is in the hundreds.

Don't forget to live before you die.
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Old 10th March 2008, 20:41   #16
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Love "But, you know, the days when a shop girl in the big city could support herself working a full 40-hour week, or a family of four could live off a single blue-collar breadwinner, are as bygone a fantasy as malt shops or heterosexual wizards. If you're living hand-to-mouth, and still buying into the con that the big threats to America are socialized medicine, Mexican immigrants and tax increases, then you're not being kept down by the rich. You're being kept down by you."
Thanks gman. I'm a Bill Maher junkie!
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Old 11th March 2008, 13:54   #17
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I thought that sounded like Bill Maher but I wasn't sure cause it was actually pretty funny. He's the rules guy.

"Which is worse, ignorance or indifference?"

"I don't know, and I don't care."
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