Old 30th July 2010, 01:47   #1
Wildrose-Wally
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Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,


'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
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Old 30th July 2010, 11:41   #2
Widdykats
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AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA ahehehehehehehehe..oh, wait. O.O
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Old 30th July 2010, 18:30   #3
Warrior of the Light
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hehehe

Jesus loves you [yes, you] so much, he even died for you so that you will not need to die, but live forever
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Old 31st July 2010, 07:52   #4
gillcrist32
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hahahahahahaha.....
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Old 4th August 2010, 19:14   #5
eric_svrei
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that's awesome, all the better because it's clean, not like a few other Scottish jokes that come to mind. (one involves a sheep, hmmm, and the other involves a farmer and a daughter and a passing car driver, hmmmm.)
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Old 6th August 2010, 13:47   #6
SunBee
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I like that one Gonna tell it to Scottish friend
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Old 8th August 2010, 22:45   #7
Wolfgang
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I thought the sheep ones all involved the Welsh. Like...

Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a post?

A: A Welsh leisure centre.
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Old 9th August 2010, 13:25   #8
Warrior of the Light
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Wolfgang! welcome back. how are you?

oh:
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

and:

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

Jesus loves you [yes, you] so much, he even died for you so that you will not need to die, but live forever
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Old 10th August 2010, 10:45   #9
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Andy Murray during the French Open: The most promising tennis player in Britain.
Andy Murray after the French Open: Useless, goofy Scottish twat.

Susan Boyle during Britain's Got Talent: Worldwide-renowned British talent.
Susan Boyle after Britain's Got Talent: Deformed, brain-dead Scottish munter.

Gordon Brown before becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish wanker.
Gordon Brown after becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish wanker.
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Old 15th August 2010, 00:09   #10
swingdjted
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Good stuff. Thanks for posting.

Don't forget to live before you die.
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Old 10th September 2010, 10:15   #11
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hahahahahahaha it was really too good buddy keep posting
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Old 10th September 2010, 21:56   #12
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What do you call 2 scotsmen hanging from a washing line?
A pair of tights.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a canoe?
A canoe sometimes tips.

A Scottish gift: "It's nae use to me, ye're welcome to it."

A Scottish obituary: "Peter McTavish daed. Ford Escort for sale".

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman had dinner together. When the waiter came with the bill, the Scotsman promptly said he would take it.
The next day the newspaper carried a headline: "English Ventriloquist Murdered In Restaurant."

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll nae be bothered by worms!"
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Old 11th September 2010, 20:40   #13
swingdjted
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Heh, I like that last one. I better make sure I take my anti-worm medicine!

Don't forget to live before you die.
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