Old 12th November 2002, 07:47   #1
randman
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If it feels good, do it.

I know this has been discussed many times before, but I don't know if it has been discussed here.

We all know society has created the idea that, in general, men don't cry. It is instilled in us from childhood. I know it's a stupid notion, but there are times I feel like crying and I can't. My mind and my body tell me I need to release this emotion, but I just can't. It's been a year and a half since I last cried. And that was when I saw my girlfriend take her last breath. All this sadness is inside me and I can't release it.

I guess what I'm asking is, how do other males out there respond to a personally emotional trauma? What do you do when your heart aches? Do you hold it inside or do you let it out? The few times I've cried it's always taken some of the pain away. So why is it so hard now?
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Old 12th November 2002, 08:46   #2
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First of all, the notion that guys aren't supposed to cry IS quite stupid, and akin to saying that because you are male you're not allowed to have emotions, which is just unrealistic and impossible. That being said, although I don't have a problem with crying, I won't do it unless I am alone, because I know of the social stigma that goes along with it (and also because the last thing I need is a bunch of annoying lamers feigning concern).

Quote:
What do you do when your heart aches?
Listen to sad music, generally while in bed.

Quote:
Do you hold it inside or do you let it out?
I hold it inside only long enough to reach somewhere where it may be let out in private. I'm reminded of one instance during high school after a particularly traumatic day when I came home, stepped inside the house (nobody else was home), shut the front door, and literally collapsed on the floor right there and cried for a few minutes (and then I beleive I got up, got in bed and listened to some music)...so basically I hold it in until it is "safe" to let it out.
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Old 12th November 2002, 09:31   #3
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i was super badly sad about various things last summer. me and this [female] friend of mine were chilling outside at night listening to powderfinger, and having one of those deep converstations.

she knows me pretty well, so she got me to spill what was bothering me, and we cried together.

i had forgotten all about it until i read this thread. apart from that time, i havnt cried since i was a real little tacker.

like you say - if it makes you feel a bit better then it must be a good thing. if you have someone close that would be willing to listen to you - your raw feelings, then that might help you to let it out. it obviously wouldnt be just anyone though - the only people i could cry to now are this same friend and my girlfriend.

im not sure im qualified for this kinda advice, im sorry that this happened to you.

i dont think it is at all shamefull for men to cry, i remember one day at church a oldish man about 60 broke down while giving communion and just stood there with tears streaming down his face. he cried for a few minutes and then finished what he was saying. if anything he gained respect from me.


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Old 12th November 2002, 09:39   #4
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It's nearly four in the morning here and I feel this thread deserves a not-so-tired response. I just wanted to check in and say hi randman.

More later.
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Old 12th November 2002, 14:49   #5
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Since i've started practicing meditation a couple years ago, i've been at total peace. (besides the randomn daily stresses of work/school that come and go quickly)
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Old 12th November 2002, 15:06   #6
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Re: If it feels good, do it.

Quote:
Originally posted by randman
My mind and my body tell me I need to release this emotion, but I just can't. It's been a year and a half since I last cried. And that was when I saw my girlfriend take her last breath. All this sadness is inside me and I can't release it.
I don't even remember when I cried last, but if my girlfriend died, I'd be crying for weeks.
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Old 12th November 2002, 16:00   #7
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I'm so sorry Randman - this is the first I've heard of your terrible loss. Cry all you like - no intelligent person will think the less of you.

Is your problem that you are no longer able to cry, or that there is no socially acceptable place/time for you to cry?
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Old 12th November 2002, 17:13   #8
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On a humourous note, i was close to tears earlier after reading how a man managed to mangle his testicles in a belt sander...


On a serious note, I cry quite a lot. I always have done, and I see nothing wrong.
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Old 12th November 2002, 17:35   #9
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I think there's a certain line - I think people *should* be able to cry and express themselves; but at the same time, I don't like people who are constantly crying, upset, and generally wimpy/weak/pathetic.

I for one certainly am the type that hides their emotions, however; and I know that's not really good either....
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Old 12th November 2002, 22:12   #10
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Originally posted by J. Burnaway
Is your problem that you are no longer able to cry, or that there is no socially acceptable place/time for you to cry?
First of all, thanks for your other kind words. The problem is that I feel like crying. I get that choking lump in my throat, but something in my subconscious mind prevents me from actually letting it out. I am just unable to cry. On a conscious level I know no one will think I'm less of a man, but something inside prevents me. And it hurts.
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Old 12th November 2002, 23:02   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by randman
First of all, thanks for your other kind words. The problem is that I feel like crying. I get that choking lump in my throat, but something in my subconscious mind prevents me from actually letting it out. I am just unable to cry. On a conscious level I know no one will think I'm less of a man, but something inside prevents me. And it hurts.
I have had the same problem in the past, but no longer have it. The help of a good professional can really help a person to break down barriers like that. Unfortunately mainstream psychiatrists are a bunch of drug pushers, and many altenative practitioners are a little too "out there."

With a little research you should be able to find someone in your area who can help you with this if it's really something you want to work on.
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Old 12th November 2002, 23:10   #12
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I'm a girl, but sometimes we feel the same way. It's just too hard to cry in front of people when we really need to cry, so we're stuck at sad movies bawling our eyes out. Or reading books. Sometimes this really does help- other people can understand for some reason girls crying at movies, but not for another reason say, at school. Society's weird.

I'm sorry for your loss by the way. It must be hard. On that note, I always think that it takes a real man to be able to cry. I have nothing but respect for guys that do.

Lots of Love,
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Old 13th November 2002, 00:21   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by meaisl8again
I always think that it takes a real man to be able to cry. I have nothing but respect for guys that do.
in that case...
*cries*
*demands respect*

j/k

on a more serious note, im 18, i feel like crying quite a lot but in all honesty i fail to remember the last time i actually did, must have been several years ago at least, thinking about this thread, it does seem strange, i really dont know why guys dont generally cry other than the social repocussions (sp?)

my 2c
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Old 13th November 2002, 01:33   #14
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I find it very difficult to express my emotions most of the time. Crying is something I wish I could do more, but I can't. The last time I recall crying was almost two years ago when I found out what my first girlfriend had done to me...
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Old 13th November 2002, 01:38   #15
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I think the more important question is, "Why do you feel it necessary to cry in order to express/experience your emotions?" Maybe you're just not inclined to cry, plain and simple.
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Old 13th November 2002, 01:55   #16
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randman let me first tell you how deeply sorry i am that you had to go through what u did, uve earned a great deal of my respect in that one centance just by being here and posting about things, i couldnt imagine watching that happen to the poeple i love my upmost condolances too you.

i would like to add that my grandad died not too long ago, i cried then, but only really because others were and it set me off, i dont think once i cried in private altho i really felt like doing so the lump was there but i couldnt let go, not because of the stigma of crieing, i just couldnt feel that breakdown feeling even tho i was very close to my grandad

strangly enough about 2 weeks ago i was at a frind of mines house she is a very close friend and i love her dearly, but we fell out and i stormed out of her house she came to the door telling me to leave her u know the revers sicology thing

i eventually walked back into the house and broke down in her arms i felt so good after doing it id let her know a million things in the one act and released so much tension it was something i needed to do.

i dont believe every one cries when there upsett i think the notion of not crying comes because males cry less they deal with things in a slightly different way, hitting things u know stress realeaving not true for all males but i think for most, but everyone cries at some point, the most disconcerting thing about my grandad passing away was seeing all the people who i had never seen cry before like my dad or my nan or family frinds cry it was terrible

again randman words dont express how sorry i am for your loss.

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Old 13th November 2002, 02:12   #17
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I appreciate the kind words regarding my girlfriend. However it has been a year and a half since she died. Obviously I still miss her and will never forget her, but most of the old-timers here have heard about her death. (More than once). So again, thanks for the thoughtfulness but I would like to clarify that the topic I intended to discuss is the stigma associated with men crying.

And rm', I DO feel like crying, but like I said earlier it literally sticks in my throat. It actually causes physical pain. So I think I'm inclined to cry. I've just been "conditioned" by society or my parents or whatever not to. That can't be natural.
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Old 13th November 2002, 02:15   #18
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well this bit of my post was more relivant to the question

Quote:
i would like to add that my grandad died not too long ago, i cried then, but only really because others were and it set me off, i dont think once i cried in private altho i really felt like doing so the lump was there but i couldnt let go, not because of the stigma of crieing, i just couldnt feel that breakdown feeling even tho i was very close to my grandad

strangly enough about 2 weeks ago i was at a frind of mines house she is a very close friend and i love her dearly, but we fell out and i stormed out of her house she came to the door telling me to leave her u know the revers sicology thing

i eventually walked back into the house and broke down in her arms i felt so good after doing it id let her know a million things in the one act and released so much tension it was something i needed to do.

i dont believe every one cries when there upsett i think the notion of not crying comes because males cry less they deal with things in a slightly different way, hitting things u know stress realeaving not true for all males but i think for most, but everyone cries at some point, the most disconcerting thing about my grandad passing away was seeing all the people who i had never seen cry before like my dad or my nan or family frinds cry it was terrible

and old timers, ive been here for a year and a half lol just mussed have missed it in my long absenses.

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Old 13th November 2002, 02:18   #19
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That reminds me. My father didn't permit me to cry when I was a kid, so I dealt with my feelings in the form of anger. Created a lot of grief. But my psychologist said that I needed to learn how to cry. That people forget how, and that they have to go to a safe place and just let go sometimes. I don't know if that would work for you, but I'm slowly learning how to cry when something bothers me, instead of lashing out. Do you think that you could 'teach' yourself, Randman?

Lots of Love,
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Old 13th November 2002, 02:26   #20
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Quote:
Do you hold it inside or do you let it out?

I hold it inside, then cry in private. It's been a long time since I've actually cried in public ( at school ) but now I don't realy care what people will think.

Sometimes I just listen to some music and that gets my mind off problems, thats why I always listen to music whenever I get a chance. I love sad music, it's great and realy helps me.
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Old 13th November 2002, 02:33   #21
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Quote:
Originally posted by meaisl8again
That reminds me. My father didn't permit me to cry when I was a kid, so I dealt with my feelings in the form of anger. Created a lot of grief. But my psychologist said that I needed to learn how to cry. That people forget how, and that they have to go to a safe place and just let go sometimes. I don't know if that would work for you, but I'm slowly learning how to cry when something bothers me, instead of lashing out. Do you think that you could 'teach' yourself, Randman?

Lots of Love,
Mea
I see a psychologist regularly. I just haven't brought it up to him. Again, the male pride thing. I'm an "old dog". I don't know if I could teach myself. Lord knows I have a safe place. I rarely leave the house. My safe place is inside myself. I find it hard to trust, love, hope, etc. I spend time on the forums because of the people. The out is, here I can remain relatively anonymous. Basically I'm pretty f**ked up mentally right now or I probably would have never started this thread.
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Old 13th November 2002, 02:34   #22
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I use to do my best to hold back the tears, but sometimes I just can't help it. I was able to let a lot of that go, but sometimes I still find myself trying to hold back the tears.

It's interesting to see/hear about a guy crying because you see that they actually have emotions. (Not that guys who don't cry don't have any...)

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Old 13th November 2002, 02:51   #23
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Quote:
Originally posted by randman
And rm', I DO feel like crying, but like I said earlier it literally sticks in my throat. It actually causes physical pain. So I think I'm inclined to cry. I've just been "conditioned" by society or my parents or whatever not to. That can't be natural.
On the other hand, you could be "conditioned" to think that you are supposed to cry, so are subconsciously trying to force it. I know some people simply don't cry, and that's perfectly normal. What I think is unhealthier then bottling up emotions is trying to force ones that don't exist. Try doing something else; paint, read a book, talk to your neighbour. Different people have different ways of dealing with grief.

I know when my a teacher of mine, who also happened to be a good frient, died, I tried to cry-- I tried very hard. I'd get on the verge of breaking out in tears, but it just wouldn't happen. I knew I had to cry, or something was wrong with me. Then I got frustrated. I started thinking maybe I wasn't truly sad if I wasn't crying. Finally, I realized that I could grieve in other ways, and still remember him, and give him his due.
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Old 13th November 2002, 12:46   #24
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Quote:
Originally posted by meaisl8again
That reminds me. My father didn't permit me to cry when I was a kid, so I dealt with my feelings in the form of anger. Created a lot of grief. But my psychologist said that I needed to learn how to cry. That people forget how, and that they have to go to a safe place and just let go sometimes. I don't know if that would work for you, but I'm slowly learning how to cry when something bothers me, instead of lashing out. Do you think that you could 'teach' yourself, Randman?


i have that problem, if i get sad i just lose control and lash out at pretty much anything, with the exception of just a single person. i'm still learning to not go beserk at people



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Old 13th November 2002, 13:15   #25
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Randman, if you refer to yourself as an OLDTIMER, one more time
I'll come to wherever you are, and I'll prove ya ain't old.
That being tossed, I read your post and felt awful, like everone
else. Like a lot of folks here, when you get to any age at all
you've lost parents, grandparents, maybe loved ones, friends,all too
soon. Saying we are sorry is also are own recoginizing of our losses and how that felt. No, you don't forget. It goes it spurts.sometimes
better than others. Songs remind you, season's remind you, someone's
look or laugh brings it all back. You function, but you've had a loss.
Sometimes, both men and women, I've known couldn't cry because "If I
start I'm afraid I won't be able to stop!" Being a little "out of
control" is frightening. You may be watching something funny
on TV one night and burst into tears. If it happens, you ain't
crazy, soft or goofy, you are just remembering

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Old 13th November 2002, 22:43   #26
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My grandfather and My grandmother, Whom I lived with for 11 years recently seperated, and I'm living with my grandmother now. My grandfather's an alcoholic, but he's one of the strongest men I know. He's about 6'4" and 260lbs, Mid sixties. Me and my grandmother were moving out from years of abuse on her, mental mostly, and partially Physical, but she evaded all that for the most part. Either way, we were leaving, and I saw him break down and start crying - the strongest man I know, ju7st started crying. When somebody like that does it, it really makes you think. I couldn't bear to watch it, and I, myself almost wanted to go bury my head in my pillow and just bawl, because seeing him cry just made me that depressed. It makes you realize how fucked up things can be. When the strongest person you see cries, you realize how powerless you are over your emotions. I got my internet back last thursday or so, and I'm back online, we just moved in halloween night, when the worst of it happened. Either way, I'm glad to be back, and if you have to cry, go for it, the people that think less of you never thought highly of you in the first place.

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Old 13th November 2002, 22:56   #27
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@Fazer:
I don't mean at all to "trash" your granddad, cuz no matter what,he
is your family, but most people who drink too much aren't strong.
Some I've known were very fragile, no matter how big, physically,
they were. I hope ,maybe, now he will get help. I wish you all
the luck in world. That all must have been very difficult to function around.











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Old 13th November 2002, 23:05   #28
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Quote:
Originally posted by Widdykats
@Fazer:
I don't mean at all to "trash" your granddad, cuz no matter what,he
is your family, but most people who drink too much aren't strong.
Some I've known were very fragile, no matter how big, physically,
they were. I hope ,maybe, now he will get help. I wish you all
the luck in world. That all must have been very difficult to function around.
love that avatar
Well it's not so much that he's a strong Person, as he is, but I mean emotionally, granted, he is an alcoholic, and we all wish he wasn't, but both of his brothers passed away not too long ago, and I personally didn't see him shed any tears for either of them, although I'm positive he did. He just seemed emotionally strong to me, alcoholic or not.




And thanks, your avatar just seems like a bit of a pussy to me

Pun intended, Harm not.


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Old 13th November 2002, 23:21   #29
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My uncle Joe, sweet man, funny, a hoot, good natured drunk!
He never got too upset about anything , because he was as my Dad had
said "insulated." Liquor, when you're young and dumb, as we all are or were ,can release things..when you are older you can use it to "brace" you against life. It's hard to feel much if you are a certain kind of alcoholic. All in all you seem to have a very positive attitude!
Take care of you're grandmother.she needs you.
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Old 13th November 2002, 23:32   #30
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I'll be sure to do that. I guess the reason I have a Decent enough outlook on things is because People have told me I have a rough life, and I just look at it and laugh. My Birth father Left when I was say, 4, and my birth mother gave me to my grandparents the summer after kindergarden. They were both heavy on drugs(parents), they weren't married when they had me, and my mom told me I was a mistake, Hell, now I even have a three year old half-black brother, but that's okay. I think it's funny as hell. I'm not looking for a sympathy trip, I just find my life humourous, I use it to make other people laugh sometime. My mom's a crackho', my bro's a literal wigger, and i'm a literal Bastard. God, that's hilarious.... Rofl.... I see it like this. If my screwed up life makes somebody smile, or laugh, then right on, it was worth it all.


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Old 14th November 2002, 00:24   #31
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No, Not a Mistake at all, not planned like all the good things.
How do you like 'em apples?

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Old 14th November 2002, 01:54   #32
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I don't think that not being able to break down and cry when you actually feel like you are about to do so is abnormal.
I just hope you are able to find some relese one way or another.
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Old 14th November 2002, 02:06   #33
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i dont cry nor do i let it out in anger. i think it through.will it help me to cry..no. will it help me to hit something..no. i sit alone somewhere and think about what has happened and why. did i cause the situation? did someone else? all in all,i would just burn calories crying or thrashing something,but it wouldnt solve the problem. when my grandma died,i didnt cry. i was happy that she wasnt suffering.she had arthritis very bad and had lost all but one toe and 4 fingers to it.her spine was badly deteriated. sure we have feeling that we natually express,tears of joy,sadness,anger,boredom. buts its how you go about expressing them. do you bawl like a baby over nothing? woman tend to do that. im not saying i bottle it up inside. i just tend to think things through and live my live to the fullest and not let the those damn feelings get in the way.

"Well, got to love you and leave you, need to go get into the shower and rub my hard naked body all over with soapy bubbles, I'll be back later to carry on playing....

It'll take you some time to get over the image of me naked in the shower......mind you don't masturbate to hard thinking about it...."
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