Old 25th March 2006, 07:28   #1
rohan_pwln
Major Dude
 
rohan_pwln's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: 18 inches from hell
Posts: 736
Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore.

9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know.

8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?

7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding.

6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming!

5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.

4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you?

3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks!

2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on?

1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.

My MAKI contribs.: STONE
My WebSite My Blog My Skins: fnk 32 Rioport v1 Sienna Burning Steel
My Saying: Eat healthy, Stay fit... Die Anyway
rohan_pwln is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 07:49   #2
psyfive
Forum King
 
psyfive's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Colorado
Posts: 2,527
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
psyfive is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 08:03   #3
rohan_pwln
Major Dude
 
rohan_pwln's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: 18 inches from hell
Posts: 736

My MAKI contribs.: STONE
My WebSite My Blog My Skins: fnk 32 Rioport v1 Sienna Burning Steel
My Saying: Eat healthy, Stay fit... Die Anyway
rohan_pwln is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 10:26   #4
Guest232
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Good ones!
  Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 16:03   #5
sgtfuzzbubble011
 
sgtfuzzbubble011's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 60,837
My entry from the RB:

sgtfuzzbubble011 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 16:25   #6
ElChevelle
Moderator Alumni
 
ElChevelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: the MANCANNON!
Posts: 22,436
Much, much better.
ElChevelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 16:36   #7
ScorLibran
Resident Floydian
 
ScorLibran's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 6,222
11. A person gets on the plane and says "Hi" to their friend named "Jack".

This all reminds me of the movie Airplane, when the passengers were told to "assume crash positions".

I'm a psychosomatic sister running around without a leash.
ScorLibran is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 16:39   #8
sgtfuzzbubble011
 
sgtfuzzbubble011's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 60,837
"This man needs to get to a hospital right away."

"A hospital? What is it?"

"It's a really large building with lots of sick people in it, but that's not important now."


<3 that movie.
sgtfuzzbubble011 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 16:43   #9
dlinkwit27
has no CT
(Forum King)
 
dlinkwit27's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Posts: 13,235
Send a message via ICQ to dlinkwit27 Send a message via AIM to dlinkwit27 Send a message via Yahoo to dlinkwit27
Quote:
4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you?
best on the list
dlinkwit27 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 16:43   #10
ScorLibran
Resident Floydian
 
ScorLibran's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 6,222
Quote:
Originally posted by sgtfuzzbubble99
"This man needs to get to a hospital right away."

"A hospital? What is it?"

"It's a really large building with lots of sick people in it, but that's not important now."
Great one!

Or...

Elaine: "They need you in the cockpit."
Ted: "The cockpit?!? What is it?"
Elaine: "It's the little room at the front of the plane where the pilot sits. But that's not important now."

And there's the classic...

"Surely you can't be serious."
"I am serious. And don't call my Shirley."


I'm a psychosomatic sister running around without a leash.
ScorLibran is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 17:00   #11
ElChevelle
Moderator Alumni
 
ElChevelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: the MANCANNON!
Posts: 22,436
One of the greatest sports comedy spots...

Joey: Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Roger Murdock: I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.

Joey: You are Kareem. I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets.

Roger Murdock: I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence?

Captain Oveur: Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here.

Roger Murdock: But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot.

Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.

Roger Murdock: The hell I don't. LISTEN KID. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.
ElChevelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 19:21   #12
sgtfuzzbubble011
 
sgtfuzzbubble011's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 60,837
sgtfuzzbubble011 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 22:08   #13
randman
Ol' Dirty Loser
(Major Dude)
 
randman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Parts unknown
Posts: 1,287
Send a message via ICQ to randman Send a message via AIM to randman Send a message via Yahoo to randman

I see no stinking sig! Do you see a stinking sig?
randman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th March 2006, 22:32   #14
SSJ4 Gogitta
Followed by Gnomes
(Forum King)
 
SSJ4 Gogitta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: West Virginia Googolplex: 10^10¹°° FB:/SSJ4.DominusDeus DeviantArt: DominusDeus XboX GT: A Wild Meeseeks Playstation 4: DominusDeus
Posts: 7,161
Send a message via AIM to SSJ4 Gogitta
12) The Islamic Call to Prayer.

SSJ4 Gogitta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th March 2006, 01:02   #15
yenerich
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 295
A bad thing could be if any passenger has a TShirt that say: "I love Al-Quaeda" !!!
yenerich is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th March 2006, 01:07   #16
mikm
Major Dude
 
mikm's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: somewhere else
Posts: 1,255
If I wanted to spend a good part of my life at Guantanamo, I would change my name to Osama bin Laden and try to book a cross-country flight.

powered by C₂H₅OH
mikm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th March 2006, 01:37   #17
ElChevelle
Moderator Alumni
 
ElChevelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: the MANCANNON!
Posts: 22,436
6,ºüb in the crash plane
ElChevelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th March 2006, 03:52   #18
yenerich
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 295
Any guy named Osama should change his name inmediatly or will go to Guantanamo!!
yenerich is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th March 2006, 14:57   #19
rockouthippie
Banned
 
rockouthippie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 11,002
I alwsys thought that hearing things was a good thing on an airplane, it's if you stop hearing things that you have a problem.
rockouthippie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th March 2006, 15:47   #20
ElChevelle
Moderator Alumni
 
ElChevelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: the MANCANNON!
Posts: 22,436
Seeing things is far worse.
I know I posted this once on here but it must be archived.

On a flight from Denver to Baltimore, I was seated just aft of the wing. When accelerating to takeoff, I was watching the wing and noticed, at the end of the main flaps, a leak of some kind of fluid flowing pretty heavily. As we climbed out and gained speed it changed from fluid to vapor and eventually, I couldn't see it anymore. No biggie......until we decended to land, it reappeared as vapor and as we touched down, back to fluid.

I think we got really shitty mileage
I was calm throughout the flight and had looked around the cabin for anyone who noticed it but NONE, apparently.
I waited to depart the plane last, let the head flight attendant know who caught the pilot, suitcase in hand and let him know. He seemed pissed and returned to the cockpit.

The plane crashed the next day.



J/K......about the last line
ElChevelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th March 2006, 16:31   #21
. - .... .- -. ....
Backpacking
Moderator
 
. - .... .- -. ....'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: საქართველო (Georgia)
Posts: 10,104
Send a message via ICQ to . - .... .- -. .... Send a message via Yahoo to . - .... .- -. ....
"Honey, I'm pregnant..."


(well, bad thing to hear anywhere, but I don't think the airplane would make it any better...)

Like my photography? Buy some here....
. - .... .- -. .... is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th March 2006, 17:08   #22
ElChevelle
Moderator Alumni
 
ElChevelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: the MANCANNON!
Posts: 22,436
I dunno, you could always kick her out the hatch if it's not yours
ElChevelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th March 2006, 17:11   #23
rockouthippie
Banned
 
rockouthippie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 11,002
Quote:
Originally posted by ElChevelle
Seeing things is far worse.
Having had some white knuckle experiences in small aircraft, when you are done, if you still see and hear things when it's over, it was a good flight
rockouthippie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th March 2006, 17:14   #24
ElChevelle
Moderator Alumni
 
ElChevelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: the MANCANNON!
Posts: 22,436
If you land with the rubber side down, it's a good thing

@at all comments on this site:

http://www.hedonistica.com/archives/...light_cras.php

Quote:
Could've used more fire and screaming. And explosions.
ElChevelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th March 2006, 02:58   #25
sgtfuzzbubble011
 
sgtfuzzbubble011's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 60,837
Stiff drink needed...
sgtfuzzbubble011 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th March 2006, 16:23   #26
ElChevelle
Moderator Alumni
 
ElChevelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: the MANCANNON!
Posts: 22,436


"Um.....Miss?"
ElChevelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th March 2006, 20:18   #27
ScorLibran
Resident Floydian
 
ScorLibran's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 6,222
Quote:
Originally posted by rockouthippie
Having had some white knuckle experiences in small aircraft, when you are done, if you still see and hear things when it's over, it was a good flight
Ah, I see you've been on some of those "I think I can...I think I can" planes before. The ones with the engines that sound like they're choking and about to sputter out, but are actually operating "normally". And the ones in which you see bulkheads moving against each other, as if there's nothing really holding the frame together except that fabric/plastic wall on the inside.



When I'm on one of those little commuters, I have to lose myself in a book to keep from sweating a bucket over the things I see and hear the plane doing. And I have an education as an aerospace engineer, for Christ's sake...you think I'd be the calmest one on the plane. Maybe that's why I'm not, though...I know exactly what an airplane is and is not supposed to sound like.

I'm a psychosomatic sister running around without a leash.
ScorLibran is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th March 2006, 01:13   #28
rockouthippie
Banned
 
rockouthippie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 11,002
I was more talking about private planes. Commercial ones don't scare me at all.

Even Sarges picture wouldn't confront me much with some of the harrowing stuff I've seen military and small engine private pilots do. An acquaintance of mine flew a Cessna 210 full blast into Mt. Rainer killing 12 people including himself. Navigational error.

When you live in very remote areas, a lot of people have planes, and a lot of them are just flat dangerous. Either the plane or the pilots.

rockouthippie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th March 2006, 01:20   #29
ScorLibran
Resident Floydian
 
ScorLibran's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 6,222
Oh, well private planes (the one's I've been on - mostly corporate jets) are generally better-taken-care-of than small commercial planes. Then again, condition doesn't matter so much when you hit a pocket of turbulence in a plane small enough to put in the trunk of my car.

In my experience it's the commercial commuter planes that leave a lot to be desired in terms of condition and maintenance. I've had quite a few trips on ones that I really wondered whether the plane would really land in one piece, rather than start dropping components on the runway upon touchdown.

Quote:
Originally posted by rockouthippie
An acquaintance of mine flew a Cessna 210 full blast into Mt. Rainer killing 12 people including himself. Navigational error.

When you live in very remote areas, a lot of people have planes, and a lot of them are just flat dangerous. Either the plane or the pilots.
Ouch. Good point. And a different matter than what I was talking about with the average commercial commuters.

I'm a psychosomatic sister running around without a leash.
ScorLibran is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th March 2006, 01:24   #30
rockouthippie
Banned
 
rockouthippie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 11,002
Give me a turboprop or a Lear and I'd sleep through turbulence. I'm talking rubber band powered bush planes.
rockouthippie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th March 2006, 01:29   #31
ScorLibran
Resident Floydian
 
ScorLibran's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 6,222
Yep, flying in bush planes (or "hill-hoppers", as we've called them) is definitely a nerve-racking experience.

Turbulence never bothered me much either...unless I'm hitting my head on the ceiling coming back from the lavatory. Once I got my pilot's license at age 18 I had built up plenty of tolerance for rough air.

I'm a psychosomatic sister running around without a leash.
ScorLibran is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th March 2006, 02:43   #32
sgtfuzzbubble011
 
sgtfuzzbubble011's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 60,837
We know them as puddle-jumpers.
sgtfuzzbubble011 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th March 2006, 13:09   #33
ElChevelle
Moderator Alumni
 
ElChevelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: the MANCANNON!
Posts: 22,436
Quote:
Originally posted by sgtfuzzbubble99
We know them as puddle-jumpers.
and the scariest ones you can fly are across the state of Texas. I've never flown a plane where you can look out the window and see a dozen other aircraft within 6 miles of you.
ElChevelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th March 2006, 14:10   #34
. - .... .- -. ....
Backpacking
Moderator
 
. - .... .- -. ....'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: საქართველო (Georgia)
Posts: 10,104
Send a message via ICQ to . - .... .- -. .... Send a message via Yahoo to . - .... .- -. ....
Quote:
Originally posted by rockouthippie
Having had some white knuckle experiences in small aircraft, when you are done, if you still see and hear things when it's over, it was a good flight
I flew in a 4-seater Cessna in Venezuela about four years ago - I was in the co-pilots seat and my door was tied in place with twine and a length of 3x2. There was a hole in the floorpan between my feet big enough to take pictures though. trim controllers were non functional, the only working "gauge" in the plane was the hand held GPS that was velcro'd to the pilots controls, and the plane would nosedive 1000ft at a time.

Best/scariest flight I was ever on Must see if I can dig out the photos...

Like my photography? Buy some here....
. - .... .- -. .... is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th March 2006, 23:53   #35
ElChevelle
Moderator Alumni
 
ElChevelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: the MANCANNON!
Posts: 22,436
Sweet!
ElChevelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th March 2006, 02:59   #36
sgtfuzzbubble011
 
sgtfuzzbubble011's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 60,837
I'd have to do a little of this first...
sgtfuzzbubble011 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th March 2006, 09:21   #37
. - .... .- -. ....
Backpacking
Moderator
 
. - .... .- -. ....'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: საქართველო (Georgia)
Posts: 10,104
Send a message via ICQ to . - .... .- -. .... Send a message via Yahoo to . - .... .- -. ....
Quote:
Originally posted by sgtfuzzbubble99
I'd have to do a little of this first...
I would have, had I known what I was in for. Apparently they crashed their 'good' plane a month beforehand, killing all on board, so they dragged this thing out of retirement. Looked and smelt as if they had been keeping chickens in it for a while. We had chartered the plane to fly us into a grass strip in the rainforest to travel to Angel Falls at the time, and the pilot kept letting go of the flight yoke to punch numbers into a calculator. Normally rudder and elevator trim would keep you level and flying in a straight line, but these weren't working, so the plane would nosedive towards the ground until the pilot had finished his number crunching and pulled out. Guess the aviation authority is slightly more lax in Venezuela.

Like my photography? Buy some here....
. - .... .- -. .... is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th March 2006, 13:08   #38
Widdykats
The Forum Slut
 
Widdykats's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: A place that invites a post pumping whore from NY
Posts: 15,789
"I flew in a 4-seater Cessna in Venezuela about four years ago - I was in the co-pilots seat and my door was tied in place with twine. "
It's proberly just meeee, but plane and twine..uh..no
I've been in a four seater and a six seater plane. It was pretty much like Scor's description...*cough* *sputter* *gasp*....
Widdykats is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th March 2006, 14:54   #39
ujay
Forum King
 
ujay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: London
Posts: 6,072
It's only the take off and landings you got to worry about, (and the in flight catering).

Scariest landing was in Schiphol when the engine cowling suddenly sprang apart and twisted back on itself. Turns out it's some sort of reverse thrust arrangement but I still needed a stiff drink afterwards.

Scariest take off was in El Salvadore which has a hill at the end of the runway(why do they build so many airports like that). Instead of taxiing out on the runway and away, we stopped at the start of the strip, backed up a bit, put the brakes on, revved the engines like crazy and did a wheelie down the runway. Needed a stiff drink after that one as well.

It was the same flight I experienced the apex of in flight catering, fish paste sandwiches with the crusts cut off. Needed a stiff drink after that as well.

UJ
ujay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th March 2006, 22:02   #40
ElChevelle
Moderator Alumni
 
ElChevelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: the MANCANNON!
Posts: 22,436
Quote:
Originally posted by sgtfuzzbubble99
Stiff drink needed...


Quote:
A Federal Express jet landed safely in Oakland this morning after pieces of the plane fell off over New Jersey.

Mechanics are now checking out the plane. An FAA spokesperson says it took off from Newark Airport around 11 p.m. last night.

Shortly after, three pieces of the plane broke off. The biggest chunk measured eight feet by five feet and landed near a home in New Jersey.

Nobody was injured and there was no damage on the ground.
ElChevelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply
Go Back   Winamp & Shoutcast Forums > Community Center > General Discussions

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump