Old 12th June 2014, 15:39   #1
Sabine Klare
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It is terrible to lose the parents

Maybe I should open this thread, after I got a terrible telephone call a few minutes ago...

I don't understand it, because I will never understand the death...

The nursing home has called me. Today at 2:30 PM my mother has died (she was 85), suddenly and unexpectedly. My mother looked very badly, when the nurses looked after her. The emergency had been called immediately, but when the doctor had arrived, my mother was already dead. The cause of death has yet to be investigated...

Before my father had died with 74 (6th March 2003, 5:00 PM), he didn't look very well anymore, and he had suffered in his last weeks. I myself and his long-time-friend had visited my parents on 6th March. A half hour, after I returned into my current environment, suddenly he was sitting dead in the wheel-chair. At 6:00 PM suddenly Frank had appeared on the meeting, and I had already known, what had happened. Today I was at home, when suddenly the telephone rang...

I wanted to visit my mother next weekend. I didn't do that on Monday, because it was too hot. I had too many fears, I would go to fainting. Such a heat and the very extreme changings of the weather are very dangerous, especially for older people...

I can never visit her anymore, only on the cemetery...

Now I have no parents anymore, but I will never forget them...

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Old 14th June 2014, 18:07   #2
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Sorry to hear / read this, it's a terrible thing indeed (strange, we never understand it well), though is somehow expected at some point, I hope you get well as soon as you can and keep on like we all should, sooner or later.

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Old 14th June 2014, 21:27   #3
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It is a painful thing to lose a loved one for any reason, but natural death is unavoidable.

Death from natural causes is easy to understand, but hard to accept. We (plants and other animals) are not designed to live forever. As soon as we're born (created), we start to die. It's just a matter of when. This is why we should not put off to later the things that we do not need to put off and we should not hesitate to tell others that we care about, how we feel.

I was raised to celebrate natural death. If a person lives a good life, then they were going on to their reward. Life as we know it is just a test before the greater afterlife which is eternal.

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Old 17th June 2014, 02:11   #4
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Your loved ones live on in the remaining lives they touched.

Bodies die, but many good things remain: values, contributions, love, influence, style, and a wealth of other intangible gifts that you have received.

I am sorry for you in that you have to mourn the loss of quite possibly the most important person in your life, and you have my deepest sympathies. But please follow your tears with a gentle smile when you celebrate her life and memories.

Don't forget to live before you die.
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Old 19th June 2014, 11:50   #5
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Thank You all...

After 7 days I am online here again. I still did not get any information about the cause of death, and the burial time can not yet be determined. I have to be every day in readiness, because the telephone can ring between 8:00 AM and 10:00 PM. Last week I got also after 11:00 PM a telephone call. I hope I will not shooed even through half the city. I desperately need my rest...

When I was making some updates, suddenly the telephone rang. Because the telephone call came from the nursing home, I had already known, that they would have bad news for me, but I didn't know, that they would have such terrible news. At first I had thought, they would tell me, my mother would have been brought again into a hospital. I would have visited her in the hospital on the same day. I would have done my things ready, then I would have taken the city trains & busses. But instead of "hospital" suddenly I heard from the man, that my mother had died. I was shocked, of course. I had experienced similar terrible telephone calls also in the past, for example June 2012 early in the moring, when suddenly one of the nurses of the nursing station called me and when she had the terrible message for me "Your mother is in the hospital, the apartment is burnt" (and the evening before everything was okay, when I visited her)...

I had to call their long-standing girlfriends. Some of them are also over 80 and not very healthy anymore, and some of them live in another city. And I had to call my cousine. They all were shocked, too. Not all of them will be able to attend to the burial...

We thought, Frank's mother would leave us soon, but we didn't think, that my mother could die, suddenly and unexpectedly. We all had thought, she would feel well, and before she died, she had her telephone calls with some of us. The evening, before she died, she had called also me. She did that between 3 and 20 times per day. Now it is so ghostly quiet...

We have learned again: Also a long life is too short, and no one knows when he or she must actually die. The older we get, the faster the time is running out. Suddenly it's all over...

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Old 20th June 2014, 10:44   #6
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After making my previous post, I got the next telephone call from the supervisor, who was in the office. A foreign debt at the death of my mother was excluded. The date for the funeral has been set: 7th July 11:00 AM (German Timezone). Yesterday I didn't get every long-standing girlfriend at the telephone anymore.

I am trying to return to normality, although it's very difficult. In the first days after the terrible message I was not in the mood for music anymore. I still cannot do very much at my PC, I need my breaks. Also I sit on the balcony very often, where I hear the sparrows, and I think very much after. Maybe I will have the music with me again soon also outside, although it will take a while, but my life will never be the same anymore...

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Old 22nd June 2014, 20:30   #7
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My condolences. I hope it's a very long time before I lose either of my parents. However, I was present when my girlfriend's mom passed away a couple years ago. It's a very painful experience. I wish you the best and hope you can start to feel better soon.
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Old 26th June 2014, 09:33   #8
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Thank You, sgtfuzzbubble011...

Some people told me, I should be glad, that my parents had a long life (at least my mother). Many of the other people had lost their parents much earlier, for example, when they themselves had just become adults. It was not only because of cancer, also because of an accident, a heart attack, a stroke or whatever (in some environments people can be also murdered without a reason). I had lost so many people in all my years, I cannot count anymore, and some of them had partners and / or children, too. I talked about that already in my other thread... http://forums.winamp.com/showthread.php?t=370066

If somebody has cancer and is dying in a hospital, then mostly the family members can visit this person also on the last day and stay at the bed in the last hours. If suddenly an accident, a heart attack or a stroke happens, then mostly it's not possible anymore to come so quickly, and the person is already dead, before the family members can arrive. Or the children have already moved to another city. The death can come so quickly, and suddenly the telephone can ring or somebody from the police can ring at the door, and then the family members will get the terrible message suddenly and unexpectedly. If a nurse has said "Dont worry, everything is okay", then also the nurse didn't expect the death, and with my father this was the case 11 years ago. But maybe it was better, that I went back to my environment and Frank appeared to protect me, because possibly I was in danger of breaking down again. Summer 2002 I had my nervous breakdown...

I have created my thread to write down my experiences with the death of my parents. Other people, who are making similar experiences, can post here, too. I have thought of that, when I have chosen the topic for my thread...

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Old 8th July 2014, 12:18   #9
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Usually the children will lose their parents some day. If one of the parents dies, then the other one loses the partner (mostly spouse). Some parents had divorced, but the most parents had been married for many years, in the case of my parents nearly 45 years. But sometimes it can also happen, that the parents lose a child, for example, before their child had visited a school the first time or after their child already had become an adult. Maybe the topic of my thread should have been "It is terrible to lose the parents, partners, children" instead of "It is terrible to lose the parents", but a moderator can certainly help.

Yesterday my mother has been buried. I have cried in the Berlin S-Bahn (our city train), I wasn't able to supress my tears. Also in the cemetery chapel I have cried, when I walked in, saw the coffin and sat down. When the burial was completed, my cousine had cried, too, and I took her into my arms. Later she said, she was glad, that she was in Berlin for a visit 1 year ago.

I have my own conception about the death. When a cat from us had died, I didn't eat for many days. My cousine wanted to walk with us into a restaurant, she wanted a farewell eat together with us. Later she had been brought back to the hotel, to rest a little bit.

Back at home, I wasn't able to do something at the computer. I went to bed, stood up, returned to bed, again and again. Also I went to the balcony very often, to sit there for many minutes. In the bed I began to cry again. I will cry also for the next days. It will need a very long time.

Last week I had promised a promotion for the fanbase, something for my galleries. I have to apologize, that I didn't do my uploads yet and that some people have to wait a little bit longer now. I didn't feel very well and I left my PC very often. Maybe I could try that tomorrow.

Again I have realized, that my life isn't the same anymore. A deep gap was torn in my life, and this gap can never be closed again...

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Old 23rd June 2015, 15:31   #10
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Early in the morning the telephone rang again. Yesterday my mother in law has died at 06:45 PM with 70. I heard, the cancer was back, in the last months there was also a dementia. May she rest in peace.

My own mother had many friendships in her class. After the school many people kept the contacts each other. From 8 women in my adress-list 5 have remained. Since March 2014 3 women and 2 men have died. One of the remained women lives in Berlin.

We have to stay in vacation away from the internet, this means also for me: no activity exept of the Winamp Forums. I will stop by in the forums from time to time. Now we have many further stress with authorities and paperforms, which come along with the loss.

We still have to sort out our own life. I cannot say yet, when I can come really back. I have to focus now on the other things.

I have to go outside very often. If I am back at home, then I have to rest. We have to retire a little bit. We need many time for ourselves now...

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Old 30th September 2015, 08:27   #11
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I'm sorry man, a touching story.
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Old 3rd October 2015, 14:37   #12
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Thank You, chapiz.

Only a few people will become 90. My father had become 74, my mother 85, Frank's mother 70. Frank's father and his second wife have become 75 this year. Although his first marriage had been divorced, we had called him and told him the sad news. We hope, that he and his wife will have some more years.

I always thought, the critical age would begin with 45, but already with 40 somebody can get a heart attack, stroke or pulmonary embolism. So many of our contacts have died, I cannot count anymore. Also an accident or a murder can suddenly happen, with every age. It is similar with cancer, which suddenly can be discovered. It will be a terrible loss for the partners and for the children, who maybe are not adults yet. I think, in many families the relationship between parents and children was not always harmonious, maybe there were family conflicts and disputes. But many children will miss their parents also many years later. I had some PMs in the previous year.

Of course I don't know, when I myself have to leave this planet, after many years or already tomorrow. I admit, I have many fears, that my time on this planet possibly has already expired. This year I have become 49. I hope, that I can celebrate also my 50th Birthday on 8th August 2016...

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Old 12th July 2016, 22:40   #13
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maybe some suggestions for a long life
- drink tea with antioxidants
- Have regular sex at least twice a week
- exercise
- Eat three walnuts a day
- Use less sunscreen but don’t burn
- Stop eating when you’re 80% full
- Go to bed one hour earlier if you can
- Be helpful and lend a hand to others
- Eat twice as much fruit and vegetable
...
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Old 16th July 2016, 13:52   #14
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Of course a person can try to have a healthy life. But a healthy life is no warranty for a long life. We had lost many people, who had lived very healthy, and some of them had become only between 40 and 60. Mostly it was because of a heart attack, sometimes also because of an accident. And of course suddenly a person can be attacked by unknown people, mostly outside, and the victim can be stabbed, shot or murdered on another way. Especially in environments with very much crime and violence it happens very often. And then the children lose one of their parents or the parents lose one of their children or the adults lose their partner.

Frank's mother had won a fight against the first cancer many years ago. In 2010 she became ill, and in 2012 her health had become worse. She had been stabilized a few times. After the year 2013 had started, she had to be brought into a nursing home. We had known already in that time, that it was not harmless, and we had thought, that she would die before my own mother, but my own mother had died as first.

The Parkinson of my father had started when the Seventies had ended. At the beginning a person can do more things than at the end of the Parkinson. The final state is very terrible, and the person suffers very much. In December 2002 my father had a pneumonia, and the doctors had told me: „No, Your father will not become 80. We cannot give him a long time anymore. Maybe he will become 75, maybe not!“. I had seen in the last weeks, that the end would come soon and it would be inevitable. On his last day it was not possible to wake him up, when we had visited him. The nurse from the nursing station saw him, but she still had thought, that he would not die, and later, when she wanted to bring him back to the bed, she saw him sitting dead in the wheel-chair. But my mother had said, that he had looked very relaxed. He didn't need to suffer anymore. But although I had known, that he would die, I myself would have given him some more days. I didn't know, that his death would come so quickly.

My mother herself seemed to be very stable, although she had Diabetes, and I myself would have given her some more years. I had expected, that she would become also 89. After the fire in her old leased apartment in June 2012 and some days in the hospital she was brought into the nursing home. Because of the nasty neighbors suddenly the management for all houses had terminated the lease agreement contract with her. My mother got told these news, but later she had asked me very often, when could she return into her old leased apartment. Also she had asked me very often: „Where are all my books and LPs?“. I didn't know, what should I answer. But maybe she had known already, that they didn't exist anymore, and she simply didn't want to live anymore. The man from the nurses was in the holidays. When he was back and made his control-tour on his first day, he found my mother in a very bad state, and he tried to help, but the death was faster than the emergency. The cause of her death never had been figured out.

Recently I had again some discussions with other people, in the internet and in real, because they themselves are now in such situations, and they are afraid, that their fathers and mothers possibly would pass away soon. Then I can say only shortly, what I myself had experienced some years ago. They will have also talks with some more people, if they will go through hard times.

Also we ourselves still have to go through hard times, for other reasons, because of very big problems (our existence is in danger because of very nasty people). Soon my next longer absence from the internet will follow, because I really feel very sick, with all my fears, depressions, panic attacks, and the prescribed therapy is not avoidable. Then I will stop by more rarely...

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Old 24th February 2017, 13:36   #15
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Sorry to read that, condolences.
RIP.
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Old 1st March 2017, 14:39   #16
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Thank You, alexrib.

I have mentioned already, that not all parents and children had harmonized well each other. Sometimes many years ago the contacts had been cancelled, by one or by both sides. Sometimes a father or mother also had disinherited the son or daugther, and suddenly the authorities require, that the children should pay for the nursing home (but they can pay only, if they themselves have very high incomes).

I had learned to know also adults, who had lost their fathers already before they themselves had been born. In some other cases a mother had died directly after the birth. Or they were very young yet, younger than 6 or younger than 3, when one of their parents suddenly had died.

Of course for the most children it is very hard, if the marriage of the parents is divorced, and mostly their parents will have different graves on different cemeteries. Only a few children maybe will be glad about the divorce, if they can live together with this one part of their parents who never had mistreated them.

Those people have luck who have harmonized well with both parents and especially those people have luck, if their parents stay very healthy until a very high age. Mostly this is not the case. When I myself finally had left the school, my own parents both were very ill already, and I had to worry about them very often. My father had suffered only at the end, when he was 74, and it was not possible for him to live longer. My mother didn't have become 89, but she had become 85. I myself was 36 and 47, when I had lost my parents.

One of our few remained friends in another country had lost 3 family members from September to December. Frank and I are still thinking of You. Keep strong...

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Old 20th April 2017, 08:21   #17
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So sorry dear, the Lord will comfort you. Life just happens like that, sometimes we can't understand why somethings happen but they are resting now.
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Old 25th April 2017, 14:51   #18
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Thank You, broski.

Now I have come back to my thread. Of course I have to think of my parents very often and also, what never is possible anymore, why things had happened how they had happened. At least they are now saved from all this suffering and they have their peace.

I remember a few adults who had visited the graves of their parents in different cities or villages when they had visited their homeland. Not in all cases the marriages had been divorced already after a few years. Sometimes an adult had widowed too early. Some people will learn to know a new partner and marry again, some others will not do that anymore. Sometimes it also happens, that a widowed person moves to another city or village some day, for many different reasons. But the most people will stay where their partners had been burried, and they will visit their graves very often.

For each grave there is a right to use for 20 years, for a double grave these will be 20 years after also the second one from the couple has been burried. It will be prolonged only, if after this time the sons or daughters will pay again for the next years. But also the sons and daughters themselves will die some day. And then the graves of the parents will be removed by the cemetery management after the right to use has expired. Only a few graves of very famous people will stay much longer, for example graves of politicans, writers, painters, composers, acteurs and actresses.

The urn is much cheaper than the cheapest coffin, also if a grave should be anonymous. Some people want to be burried anonymous, but not with the urn, and the wishes of the old people will not be fulfilled, if they themselves had no money on the bank account anymore and if also the sons and daughters are very poor. In 2004 a law had been introduced, and the sons and daughters have to pay for the burial also, if they had been disinherited or if they themselves had turned down the heritage because of debts, but only, if they themselves have enough incomes.

In Berlin some old cemeteries have closed, on many other cemeteries there are now less big graves with decorations and more small anonymous graves. It happens because the economy has become worse and more and more people become poor. In the past the people had more money on the bank-accounts, higher incomes and also bigger leased apartments. But the better times have gone. I myself remember such big apartments with 3 or 4 rooms and also the double graves of my grandparents in the villages. I think, they will not exist anymore.

I had to experience very often, that I had planned something, but then everything had come quite differently, and it never was possible anymore. I wish, I could have given my mother more pleasure with nice things, not only a few times, but it seems, that I should not have been allowed to do that. Mostly I didn't feel well for going outside. Unfortunately my own health is very bad, although I always try to do the best. Because of the heat on this one Monday I had planned to visit my mother in the nursing home 3 or 4 days later. I didn't have known, that again everything would come quite differently.

4 days ago I wanted to do my special evening because of a very special anniversary, but suddenly I didn't feel well anymore. In the TV-documentation they had played a favourited song of my mother. I remember her LPs and Singles and also this one song. I still don't understand, why did the fire happen and why didn't she have been allowed to keep the most loved songs in her life. It is very nasty to take away the most loved music from her. In her old leased apartment (also my first home) I had played this song very often, and on Discogs I have recognized the album artwork of the Single.

And then again my tears were not far away anymore...

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Old 2nd May 2017, 15:34   #19
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I have a supplement, because I have to explain a little bit more. It still hurts me, what did happen to my parents, to all their material goods and to my first home in my life.

We have the German phrase "Don't transplant an old tree!", and that is true. Many old people had died already a half year after they had been pulled out of their old bigger home. The most people don't lose their old home because of a fire, flood, earthquake or tornado. Many old people suddenly are put under judicial care and into a nursing home, also if they don't have yet Alheimer or age dementia. But also younger people suddenly have to move from a bigger apartment into a much smaller apartment, if they have luck and find a new one until a given date, otherwise they are put out on the street and they lose everything. After the businessmen have bought whole houses, they announce modernizations, and they want to get the apartments empty to double the prices for the sales. The long-time tenants get terminations for invented reasons. They had lived in the same apartment for many years, and suddenly they have to move out very quickly.

Only a few supervisors are okay. Many of them do things with old people, although they are not allowed to do that. Some of them forbid the partners or children to visit the old people, although these people are waiting for a visit. Many of them throw the material goods of the old people into trash containers without asking them for permission, also retro-technology which works yet, and many retro-fans search directly for that. Such supervisors really should be sued. Of course the most old people in the nursing home ask very often, what did happen to all their books, LPs, Singles, photos, decent dresses, jewelry, family heirlooms, personal memories and money on their bank accounts, and they don't get an answer from the supervisors. Of course they divine and sense, that their most loved objects and music simply had been taken away from them, also their old home. Then many old people retire and they give up on themselves.

My mother had luck, that she got a single room. Especially in the past 2 or more people had to share a room, they had to sleep in the same room, and there was no place for privacy. I know, in the past many old people had been mistreated in some of the nursing homes. I think, they didn't do that in this one nursing home, where my mother had to live in her last 2 years. There are daily neccessary things, which have to be done regularly. Old people also have to be washed and dressed with new pieces of dresses, and the most old people don't like that. Also my mother had complained about that very often, when she had left again a message on our old-fashioned telephone answering machine (much better than the modern mailbox).

Also the nurses have to do a very hard job. They are obliged to force the old people to eat and drink, if they stop eating and drinking, because they don't want to live anymore. Carrying the old people can be bad for the back, and the nurses get also psychic problems very often, if they do their badly payed job with overtime. They experience a conflict, that they have to handle against their own moralic conceptions. Many of them change the job, after they have discovered, that they had choosen the wrong profession. Also my mother had complained very often, that the next nurse had gone and again a new one had come. Some months after her death I saw again one of the former nurses. I can say, these were very touching moments, and I had cried.

About my mother's favourited song: I have visited Discogs and Wikipedia, made and saved .txt-files, downloaded the album artwork and images of the artist. Also this very great artist had a very tragic story, she had become only 54. Today I have visited Musixmatch in Firefox. They have the songlyrics of the sides A and B. I have copied them into new .txt-files. In my childhood and youth I never had tears in my eyes, when this Single had been played, but now my tears come everytime, if I start this song on YouTube...

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Old 8th August 2017, 12:41   #20
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How are you fairing on? An update would be great. I do hope that you are okay and have found some form of inner clarity.
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Old 8th August 2017, 12:42   #21
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I ask this because i experienced something close to this last year..and it has taken me 13 months to be where i am today in dealing with this.
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Old 15th August 2017, 15:20   #22
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At first my condolences, Freya87...

It will take very much time, until somebody can deal with the loss of the parents a little bit better, and sometimes it will need some years, not only some months. We have the German phrase "Die Zeit heilt alle Wunden", but if the father or mother has died, then the sons and daughters will miss them forever, and sometimes things can appear, which remind us of the father or mother. And then again the tears can come. Also the questions will come back from time to time: "What could I myself have done better for my parents?" But will the answers be found ever? Of course also I myself wish, I would have been more healthy and been able to visit my parents more than only 1 time per week. But I have to accept, that I myself was already very ill, when I was younger yet, and I have to live with this fact.

I had mentioned already, that I never would have expected, that my mother could suddenly die. When the telephone rang, at least the better question had come: "Do I speak with the daughter of Mrs. XYZ?". I know about another case, when another daughter had been asked at the telephone: "Were You the daughter of Mr. XYZ?". Such a question is really inappropriate. The daughter always will be the daughter, also if the father has died.

Although somehow I had the very bad feeling, that my father could die soon, I had believed the nurse from the nursing-service, who had nursed my father at home, when I had worried and she had said, everything would be okay, but she was wrong. Maybe I should have cancelled the date for the monthly meeting on that day, which had been offered yet by the hosts, before they had been discontinued many months later. 2 of the hosts had a very bad character, but I had a good contact with the other guests, who were not allowed to give me moralic help, when it would have been necessary. Yelling at me and throwing me out of the room just because I had dared to cry and fight against the death of my father the last time, that was really very nasty and one of the reasons, why I changed the meeting-point later. Crying and not wanting the death is a very normal reaction in such a situation. My father had died on that day!

I cannot ask my parents anymore, how did they feel, when they themselves had lost their parents, but of course it was very hard for them. I had learned to know only the parents of my father. When I was 6 or younger, suddenly my grandmother was dead. But maybe we had travelled back to Berlin much earlier for another reason, when we were in the Bavarian Forest the second time in Summer 1972. I remember, we were in Austria the second time in Summer 1975, and we wanted to stay there for 2-3 weeks, but already after a half week we had to travel back to Berlin, because suddenly my grandfather had died, and the date for the burial had been set very quickly. Before my 9th birthday I myself had no grandparents anymore, while all the other children in my class had at least some of their grandparents yet. Especially for my aunt it was very hard, because she had lived together with her parents in the same apartment.

Also I myself had lived together with my parents in Berlin-Wilmersdorf until my 26th birthday, before I moved to Berlin-Kreuzberg step-by-step (and later to Berlin-Neukölln). My parent's home always was also my home until June 2012. Then the fire had come, and in 1 room all the furniture, books, address-lists and also the drawings & paintings of my father had been destroyed. The globe of my mother in another room had melted, a birthday-present by my father in Spring 1974. We all know, what does happen to Vinyl, if there is such a heat. And because the root had gone also into the Technical Devices, they were not usable anymore. Unfortunately new Vinyl and a new turntable didn't have been bought and brought into the nursing home. I know, that old and ill people want to keep their most loved music until the end, and of course my mother had given up on herself. Later she had asked me for a new globe, and I had looked for the next special-offer by Aldi, but her death was faster.

About the most favourited song of my mother: A new movie will come into the cinemas, based on the biography of the artist Dalida. No, it is better not to start now the song "Am Tag Als Der Regen Kam" on YouTube, because again my tears could come...

Sabine Klare Aka Sternenmaschinebine
Music, Art, Lyrics, Videos
AMBIENT... AMBIENT music forever...
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