The Hitman - Joke

dlinkwit27 · 29th October 2003, 03:59

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend," can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her . he's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a ********, so just shoot his cock off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment , be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

DragonSon · 29th October 2003, 04:01

DAMN!!!!

demonlation · 29th October 2003, 04:08

hehehehe nice one man

White Raven · 29th October 2003, 04:09

Damn... That's pretty harsh but... Hey at least he saved 1000 smackers there, and he got his cheating bitch shot.

I don't like cheaters, so I have no sympathy. Heh. Shoot 'em both dead. MUAHAHAHA!

s1138 · 29th October 2003, 04:31

LOL

ryan · 29th October 2003, 04:34

LOL

sidd · 29th October 2003, 05:40

can you imagine if yuo were the neighbour.

you wouldnt know what hit you.

Cognition · 29th October 2003, 05:44

Why exactly was the hitman carrying his gun around with him on the golf course? Maybe his "partner" was actually supposed to be his next hit?

mark · 29th October 2003, 09:27

lol

lets make a game of this!

d0rk · 29th October 2003, 19:33

LMFAO thats great...

anubis2003 · 29th October 2003, 19:39

That's pretty funny - saw it coming, but still pretty funny.

Bilbo Baggins · 29th October 2003, 20:45

I don't get it :S

Raz · 29th October 2003, 20:48

Spoiler: Shot in mouth + shot in penis
mouth + penis
etc

lol by the way.

Bilbo Baggins · 29th October 2003, 20:59

Ohhhh. Fair enough, but its not funny once its been explained.

Raz · 29th October 2003, 21:03

Oh and it was funnier when you didn't get it wasn't it.

Fickle · 29th October 2003, 22:10

Quote:

Originally posted by Cognition
Why exactly was the hitman carrying his gun around with him on the golf course? Maybe his "partner" was actually supposed to be his next hit?

Why is there always some dude who has to point out idosynchrosis in jokes to make them less funny?

dlinkwit27 · 29th October 2003, 22:43

Quote:

Originally posted by Cognition
Why exactly was the hitman carrying his gun around with him on the golf course? Maybe his "partner" was actually supposed to be his next hit?

your the type of person who watches a cartoon and is like "dude, that is so dumb. everyone knows that you can't walk on air if you look down" even though it has talkign animals in it don't you?

cyu · 29th October 2003, 22:59

There was an opening with the CIA as an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three men but only one position was available.

So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

`We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained.
'Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.'

The man got a shocked look on his face and said,
'You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife.'

'Well,' says the CIA man, 'you're definitely not the right man for the job then.'

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained to the second man.
`Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her’

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, and then the door opened and the man came out with tears in his eyes.

'I tried to shoot her but I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job.'

'No,' the CIA man replied, `you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and get the hell home.'

Now the CIA are down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door of the same room and give him the same gun.
'We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, take this gun and kill her.'

The third man took the gun and opened the door and before the door had even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said,

`You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with f***ing blanks. I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair.'

ElChevelle · 29th October 2003, 23:04

X10

Bilbo Baggins · 29th October 2003, 23:08

Heard that before, but its still a good one.

Fickle · 29th October 2003, 23:49

omg. Hilarious.

k_rock923 · 30th October 2003, 01:30

nice one dlink

cmountford · 30th October 2003, 07:54

<groan>. I can never remember any good jokes, but oh well

. Nice ones

Coman · 30th October 2003, 19:19

saw it coming for the second but still

29th October 2003, 03:59	#1
dlinkwit27 has no CT (Forum King) Join Date: Sep 2000 Posts: 13,236	The Hitman - Joke Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend," can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her . he's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a ******, so just shoot his cock off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment , be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....." ::Deviant Me::Last.fm::WhatPulse Stats::Folding @ Home**

29th October 2003, 04:01	#2
DragonSon Fears the boots Forum King Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 3,445	DAMN!!!! Moderatio est figmentum No Idols, No Heroes, No Leaders.....Just Pure Inner Strength

29th October 2003, 04:09	#4
White Raven Little Winged One Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Canada, now UK Posts: 4,174	Damn... That's pretty harsh but... Hey at least he saved 1000 smackers there, and he got his cheating bitch shot. I don't like cheaters, so I have no sympathy. Heh. Shoot 'em both dead. MUAHAHAHA! just as feathery as ever \| portfolio \| a poignant quote

29th October 2003, 19:33	#10
d0rk I contribute nothing. (Forum King) Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Virgacalementoflagantionio Posts: 3,030	LMFAO thats great... I came for the hatred. I stayed for the ballbag.

29th October 2003, 19:39	#11
anubis2003 Forum King Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: middle of somewhere Posts: 5,564	That's pretty funny - saw it coming, but still pretty funny. [Over The Monkey] \| [My DeviantArt] \| [Se ti] \| [Atmo Digital Design Forums]

29th October 2003, 04:08	#3
demonlation Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 21	hehehehe nice one man

29th October 2003, 04:31	#5
s1138 Alumni? Join Date: May 2000 Location: joja Posts: 6,936	LOL

29th October 2003, 04:34	#6
ryan not fucked, not quite. (Forum King) Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Missouri via Tennessee Posts: 8,813	LOL

29th October 2003, 05:40	#7
sidd Major Dude Join Date: May 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 1,353	can you imagine if yuo were the neighbour. you wouldnt know what hit you.

29th October 2003, 05:44	#8
Cognition Some Random Guy (Major Dude) Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: NZ Posts: 1,245	Why exactly was the hitman carrying his gun around with him on the golf course? Maybe his "partner" was actually supposed to be his next hit?

29th October 2003, 09:27	#9
mark Forum King Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Norn Ir'nd, leek... Posts: 6,287	lol lets make a game of this!

29th October 2003, 20:45	#12
Bilbo Baggins Wind Chime of the Apocalypse Join Date: May 2000 Location: The Forest Posts: 17,228	I don't get it :S

29th October 2003, 20:48	#13
Raz Forum King Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Manchester Posts: 6,470	Spoiler: Shot in mouth + shot in penis mouth + penis etc lol by the way.

29th October 2003, 20:59	#14
Bilbo Baggins Wind Chime of the Apocalypse Join Date: May 2000 Location: The Forest Posts: 17,228	Ohhhh. Fair enough, but its not funny once its been explained.

29th October 2003, 21:03	#15
Raz Forum King Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Manchester Posts: 6,470	Oh and it was funnier when you didn't get it wasn't it.

29th October 2003, 22:59	#18
cyu Major Dude Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: in front of my pc Posts: 1,617	There was an opening with the CIA as an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three men but only one position was available. So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. `We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained. 'Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.' The man got a shocked look on his face and said, 'You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife.' 'Well,' says the CIA man, 'you're definitely not the right man for the job then.' So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained to the second man. `Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her’ The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, and then the door opened and the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried to shoot her but I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job.' 'No,' the CIA man replied, `you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and get the hell home.' Now the CIA are down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door of the same room and give him the same gun. 'We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, take this gun and kill her.' The third man took the gun and opened the door and before the door had even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, `You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with f***ing blanks. I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair.'

29th October 2003, 23:04	#19
ElChevelle Moderator Alumni Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: the MANCANNON! Posts: 22,448	X10

29th October 2003, 23:08	#20
Bilbo Baggins Wind Chime of the Apocalypse Join Date: May 2000 Location: The Forest Posts: 17,228	Heard that before, but its still a good one.

29th October 2003, 23:49	#21
Fickle Butterknife of Justice (Forum King) Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Behind you. Posts: 5,502	omg. Hilarious. Go read a book without pictures pabook? \| Look, a blog! \| Buy Stuff I Wrote

30th October 2003, 01:30	#22
k_rock923 \m/ (Forum King) Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: /bin/bash Posts: 7,850	nice one dlink Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.

30th October 2003, 07:54	#23
cmountford The Rapper (Major Dude) Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: St. Louis, MO Posts: 992	<groan>. I can never remember any good jokes, but oh well . Nice ones I'm a DJ. You can DL my mixes free from my website: www.djcmount.com You have the right to refrain from posting unless you write in the "rap battles" thread. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court by mods.

30th October 2003, 19:19	#24
Coman Punk (Forum King) Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: 4.5th dimension . . Posts: infinitely few Posts: 2,799	saw it coming for the second but still "Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?"

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