Old 3rd June 2001, 23:15   #1
Bizznatch
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I went to my Mom's house this weekend adn she has a Satellite Dish with almost all the movie channels. Well her computer was in my sister's room and she was asleep so I couldn't go on the internet like I do after midnight every night so I decided to flip on the TV and watch some movies. Well at about 1 AM I flipped to HBO and there was this show, I think it was called Carnal Sensations or something, everyone in the house was asleep so I decided to watch it. Yes, it had the AO rating so it had a few nude chicks on it, but so what. THE SEX SCENES WERE FAKE AS HELL! Oh my god, I couldn't believe how CORNY late night HBO and Cinemax "porn" is. The stories were STUPID. It didn't turn me on, I was too busy trying to hold in the laughter since these movies are so fucking corny its halarious.

I mean in this "porno movie" there was this dude who was "the best massuer in town" and in the very first scene he was fake-doing some chick who was supposedly 19 years old (she looked 28-30ish to me). Now he's supposed to be giving his clients back massages. Ok so his "manager" comes in and tells him he has a visitor, who happens to be a co-worker and roommate (wonder what theyre gonna be doing later )

Well next scene he's at home and she shows up to they fake-screw for about 5-10 minutes and then go to bed. Next day he goes to work and his client is this ugly 40 year old looking chick who is supposedly the wife of some banker. They screw of course. But, The massuer has dreams of opening up his own massage place, but he's broke and has no money.

So this old chick sets up a meeting for this dude to see her husband (don't worry, they dont have sex). Next day at the bank the massager guy runs into his old client (who he had "sex" with). And says hi. Next he has his meeting with the banker dude, it goes well, but his "old client" interrupts the banker's meeting for some reason and had to continue later.

Next scene the banker and the dude's old cleint screw in his office. She ends up having to leave in a hurry and accientally leaves her bright red bra behind.

After that the massuer goes home and tells his roommate (did I mention she's a chick) the good news. They screw.

The banker's wife (the 40 year old ugly one) shows up at his office and finds the red bra. So she shows up at the massager's work at screws him again.

The banker goes over to the massuer's place to continue the meeting. He isn't home but his roomate is. So they end up screwing.

But the massuer wanted to visit his "old client" and chat and have dinner and stuff. Well, they end up screwing. (that makes 4 different women this guy screwes in a 48 hour timeframe)

Next scene the "19 year old girl" shows up in the banker dude's office (don't worry, they dont screw, only because she's his daughter ) and asks him if he's having an affair (which he is). He says yes (big mistake), so she gets pissed at him and tells him she lost his virginity. The banker gets pissed off so she tells him it was the massuer .

The banker now wants to kick this guys ass. So he barges into the massuers workplace with his daughter follwing and catches him screwing with his "old client" (the banker's mistress) once again . He is enfuriated but his wife (who supposedly had an appointment) shows up. She knows the woman the guy was screwing when she got in was her husband's mistress cuz she saw a picture of her in her husbands house a few scenes back. She's pissed (the 40 year old one) at the mistress for not only screwing her husband but for screwing the massuer as well. Next, the massuer's roommate shows up, she's pissed cuz she told him not to screw his clients anymore. So now all 4 women this guy has screwed plus the banker are standing in the same room.

Well, for some reason everything worked itself out. The banker ended up giving this guy his loan for his own massage place. The banker is back with his wife. And in the end, everyones happy.

What kind of stupid story is this???

This is the kind of bullshit that plays there every night almost.

I mean, check this out, the guy screwes his wife, his daughter, AND his mistress, and ends up getting the loan. People, IT DONT WORK THAT WAY!

Your thoughts?
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Old 3rd June 2001, 23:19   #2
Bilbo Baggins
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Fake sex scenes, crap plot, souds like a good ol' porn film to me.
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Old 3rd June 2001, 23:23   #3
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Swedish Porn = Quality Viewing

missyob made me post this.
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Old 3rd June 2001, 23:25   #4
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I know, But my point is these films don't make any sense at all. They sould have disclaimer saying "results are not typical"

BTW I end up giving that movie a D- for cornyness.
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Old 3rd June 2001, 23:31   #5
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Animal Instincts 2 is the most ludicrous Porn film ever made. It is so silly it is almost a spoof of porn films.
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Old 3rd June 2001, 23:34   #6
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bilbo Baggins
Animal Instincts 2 is the most ludicrous Porn film ever made. It is so silly it is almost a spoof of porn films.
...and its probably on sometime this week on Showtime....

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Old 4th June 2001, 00:43   #7
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Those "movies" aren't made to win any oscars, just to give spank material for teenagers who are stuck at home on the weekends with no computer.

OOPS!
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Old 4th June 2001, 00:53   #8
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ummm....what you just saw...well././././. its called soft porn.....ya shoulda just gone to the pay per view. ang got some qaulity porn. you know the ones with the music ( bow sicky bow bow sickey sickey shicka chicka) no story line just good ol,pull-it-out and spank it porn
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Old 4th June 2001, 00:57   #9
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anyone ever heard of breeders?
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Old 4th June 2001, 01:12   #10
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If you want to watch a porn movie with good plot...

rent "Boogie Nights" with Dirk Diggler

Now is the time for all good Americans to come to the aid of their Country
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Old 4th June 2001, 03:15   #11
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Ugh. I'd like to stay away from porn for the time being. My penis seems to be developping a raw spot. LOL
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Old 4th June 2001, 03:31   #12
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Neo... HAHAHA

anyway. I for one enjoy the occasianal soft porn. I like how the sex is staged. Sometimes I even like it more then hardcore. Soft porn tends to have much more feeling and passion in it then hardcore. It is the emotion and passion that I sometimes prefer. I guess I have a soft spot for soft porn.
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Old 4th June 2001, 03:37   #13
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eeeewwww neo did we really hafta hear that???

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Old 4th June 2001, 03:39   #14
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children, thats why we have to internet. to download quality porn movies

boogie nights = nice

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Old 4th June 2001, 03:43   #15
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Bizz, thats just porn..
for nice stoylines. DON'T WATCH PORN !!!!

"Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."
-R. D. Lang
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Old 4th June 2001, 04:14   #16
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zxypher, if I really had developped a raw-spot in such a place I wouldn't tell anybody.

It was a joke - take it easy man... I don't think it's humany possible to spooge that much anyway.
But maybe we should ask a local expert
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Old 4th June 2001, 12:43   #17
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Quote:
Originally posted by weedsatan
Bizz, thats just porn..
for nice stoylines. DON'T WATCH PORN !!!!
I know, but its cornyness turned me OFF Anyhoo, I'm back home without satellite TV, but with cable with no movie channels. At least I have my "trusty" 7 MBPS connection... Maybe I'll go on kazaa and download a "movie"
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Old 4th June 2001, 12:59   #18
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Quote:
Originally posted by John M
Swedish Porn = Quality Viewing
I can't believe you stole my sig just too get your point accross!! tsk tsk shame on you
quality film titles:-
Shaving Ryans privets
tit-tanic
good will humping

Now off the spoof side of things:-
Stop that fuc*ing dog
backdoor to sweeden
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Old 4th June 2001, 13:09   #19
Bizznatch
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How bout these ones:

The Bare Tits project
Keep on fucking
Debbie does Dallas
Where the Boys arent. 1 thru 8
American Booty
Aenema at the Gates
Talented Mr. Winkey
Erin Rock-A-Bitch

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Old 4th June 2001, 21:58   #20
Bilbo Baggins
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I am thinking of registering the web domain http://www.ewokcumshots.com

what do you think?
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Old 5th June 2001, 02:14   #21
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Poca-hotass
Free Willy (didn't even have to change the title there)

Dreams of Gigalo 3...
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Old 5th June 2001, 02:19   #22
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If you want real porn, make the effort to talk to a girl, and make friends with someone with a videocamera. Chloroform always helps.
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Old 5th June 2001, 02:43   #23
ElChevelle
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If you need an alternative to porn:
[*]Turn off computer[*]Take shower, shave, apply cologne[*]Open door to outside world(they won't shoot you for leaving your abode)[*]Find female human[*]Engage in stimulating conversation until she tires of talking, wants action[*]---You know what happens next, I hope---[*]If I skipped the protection part, sorry, name your first born Chev!
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Old 5th June 2001, 03:01   #24
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lol
why the hell would you want to do that? i mean, turn off your computer and leave your house? never

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Old 14th June 2001, 23:40   #25
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Quote:
Originally posted by Xerxes
If you want to watch a porn movie with good plot...

rent "Boogie Nights" with Dirk Diggler
Bad story here, i drove from portland to oakland to vacation w/girlfriend at the time and we stayed at her moms house...well..we wanted to see a movie (all of us mom included, i think you know where this is going ) well, i thought boogie nights was about the 70's. i had no idea it was about a porno maker and a dude w/huge dick. so we all go to the movie theater and ive got mom on one side and girlfriend on the other. oh did i mention her mom was a fbi agent the movie was bad enough then the ending where he pulls out that nasty roto roter he calls a penis. well my face was red!
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Old 15th June 2001, 00:16   #26
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lmao

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