Old 28th May 2009, 03:59   #1
Wildrose-Wally
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Sip the vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous, he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied: "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey. Don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Old 28th May 2009, 07:14   #2
Paul_Bags
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Although there probably will be a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's, if you bring a dollar.
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Old 28th May 2009, 10:24   #3
kingo'mountain
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you mean those where you pull out an apple with your teeth from a water bowl? (or punch bowl maybe)
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Old 28th May 2009, 21:00   #4
Paul_Bags
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Just sip the vodka.
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Old 30th May 2009, 00:15   #5
kingo'mountain
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dont drink vodka, makes me puke..

beer i can handle, wine i can handle, vodka? if its not in some kind of fruity drink, i cant drink it

how's jin? is it weaker than vodka? stronger then rum?
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Old 30th May 2009, 04:19   #6
Paul_Bags
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Haven't actually tried gin yet. Yeah I probably wouldn't drink vodka straight ether. In fact I'm such a fast drinker that it's never a good idea for me to drink something straight.
Also, I hate rum with a passion. Just the smell makes me not just want to throw up, but intentionally rip out my intestines and feed them to a starving orphan.
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Old 30th May 2009, 09:38   #7
swingdjted
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Gin and vodka are generally about the same power. Most gins are about 40-47% alcohol by volume, with vodkas 40-50. It's easy to find one gin that's stronger than a vodka or vice-versa, but they're all usually in those ranges. Drinking this kind of stuff straight is fine for sipping; anything faster will likely get you sick unless you have a very high tolerance.

Quote:
Originally posted by kingo'mountain
you mean those where you pull out an apple with your teeth from a water bowl? (or punch bowl maybe)
"peter" is a slang term for penis.

@ W-W

Great one. Read it before, but it's still hilarious.

edit, ahh, here it is.

Don't forget to live before you die.
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Old 30th May 2009, 14:31   #8
Widdykats
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I went Catholic School, so I'm goin with number 7. TrainMan!
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