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  • 50 things....

    50 Things you don't say while having sex:

    01. Is it in yet?
    02. Is that it?
    03. You have to be kidding me
    04. (phone rings) Hi? Oh, nothing special. You?
    05. Am I supposed to pay you for this?
    06. Should I call you tomorrow?
    07. Oh mama, mama!!!
    08. Oh daddy, daddy!!!
    09. You look better in the dark.
    10. Oh, this is much better than with my last boy/girlfriend.
    11. I thought it was supposed to go into the other hole
    12. Don't tell my husband/wife
    13. You have the bra as my mom (particularly bad if the girl says this
    14. This sucks
    15. Could you hurry up a bit? I have to go to a meeting
    16. I hope you're not expecting a raise
    17. I think this could make you get the job
    18. Damn, is that all you know ?!
    19. Did I mention I have herpes?
    20. We have to get married now
    21. Hurry up, the game is on in a few!
    22. I'm hungry
    23. I'm thirsty
    24. zzzzzzzzzz
    25. Are you trying to be funny?
    26. Can you drop me off when you're done?
    27. Are those real?
    28. Before I forget, I'm breaking up with you
    29. What is that smell? Is that you?
    30. You've never done this before?
    31. WOW! I've never boobs like that! (and then start grabbing them)
    32. Do you know what certain female spiders do after mating?
    33. You sure look like your sister
    34. Your mom's pretty nice
    35. What did you say your name was?
    36. Do I really still have to be here in the morning?
    37. Again? I had trouble staying awake the first time!
    38. Owwww, and you had just started
    39. You're almost as good as a 9-year-old -- and I can know!
    40. Don't touch that!
    41. You wanna order a pizza?
    42. I think my dad is eavesdropping
    43. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
    44. Is there anything nice on TV?
    45. Get your hand away from there!
    46. I think the condom tore 10 mins ago
    47. I knew you had a stuffed bra!
    48. "Cover me guys, I'm going in!"
    50. The ceiling needs some white paint

    if you have a list of 50 things you should/should not do, post 'em

  • #2
    this has always been one of my favorite lists...

    100 Ways to Order a Pizza

    1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

    2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

    3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

    4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

    5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

    6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

    7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

    8. Answer their questions with questions.

    9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

    10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

    11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

    12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

    13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

    14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

    15. Stutter on the letter "p."

    16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

    17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

    18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

    19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

    20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

    21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

    22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

    23. Change your accent every three seconds.

    24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

    25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

    26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

    27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

    28. Rent a pizza.

    29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

    30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

    31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

    32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

    33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

    34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

    35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

    36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

    37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

    38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

    39. Play a sitar in the background.

    40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

    41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

    42. Ask to see a menu.

    43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

    44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

    45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

    46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

    47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

    48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

    49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

    50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

    51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

    52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

    53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

    54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

    55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

    56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

    57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

    58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

    59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

    60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

    61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

    62. Try to talk while drinking something.

    63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

    64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

    65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

    66. Be vague in your order.

    67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

    68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

    69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

    70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

    71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

    72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

    73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

    74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

    75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

    76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

    77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

    78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

    79. Put them on hold.

    80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

    81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

    82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

    83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

    84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

    85. Haggle.

    86. Order a one-inch pizza.

    87. Order term life insurance.

    88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

    89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

    90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

    91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

    92. Engage in some serious swapping.

    93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

    94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

    95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

    96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

    97. Order a steamed pizza.

    98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

    99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

    If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."


    • #3
      Originally posted by SSJ4_Gogitta
      this has always been one of my favorite lists...

      17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

      That is what I say to telemarketers when they call my house. Gets them off the phone quick!

      ~ Missy


      • #4
        it is actually Solarias here

        Just tell the telemarketer that you are soooo glad that they took the time to phone you, as your ********* has been playing up and it is quite hard trying to look after a family of twelve with no husband and no income.
        (7icha7d: ) Just ask if they've met Jesus.
        "Curiosity, kitten, doesn't have to mean you're on your own"


        • #5
          Last telemarketer that called asked if we were interested in a promotion for their home security company that involved free installation of a $1000 system. No doubt the monthly fee would be huge.

          So I just told him the truth. "No thanks, we have a dog already"


          • #6
            101 ways to annoy people
            1. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
            2. Drum on every available surface.
            3. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
            4. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
            5. Ask 800 operators for dates.
            6. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
            7. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
            8. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
            9. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
            10. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
            11. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. mutter something about "psychological profiles".
            12. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
            13. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
            14. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
            15. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
            16. Wear your pants backwards.
            17. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
            18. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
            19. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
            20. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
            21. only type in lowercase.
            22. dont use any punctuation either
            23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
            24. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
            25. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
            26. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
            27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
            28. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
            29. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
            30. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
            31. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
            32. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
            33. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
            34. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
            35. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
            36. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
            37. Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, from Lamb Chop?)
            38. Drive half a block.
            39. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
            40. Ask people what gender they are.
            41. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
            42. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
            43. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
            44. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as 45. "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
            45. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
            46. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
            47. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
            48. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
            49. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
            50. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
            51. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
            52. Mow your lawn with scissors.
            53. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
            54. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
            55. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
            56. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
            57. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
            58. Insist that your drive-through order is "to go."
            59. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
            60. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
            61. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
            62. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
            63. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
            64. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
            65. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
            66. Sniff incessantly.
            67. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
            68. Name your dog "Dog."
            69. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
            70. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
            71. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
            72. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
            73. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
            74. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
            75. Practice making fax and modem noises.
            76. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
            77. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
            78. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
            79. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
            80. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
            81. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more at any moment.
            82. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
            83. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
            84. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
            85. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
            86. When talking to a 800 operater insist that they are gay and then ask them for a date.
            87. When paying for a delivered pizza, pay only in coins, and make sure that you drop every one on the floor in front of them. And only leave a 15 cent tip
            88. When in the elevator dance around and pretend you are holding in your pee.
            89. While playing Monopoly, keep reminding everybody that you have a certain property, even though they dont want it.
            90. Pick names at random out of the phone book, and enroll them in audio cassette/CD clubs.
            91. Answer the phone "Hello is John there?".
            92. Walk stealthily around supermarket aisles, checking for bad guys around corners with your imaginary gun, humming "Mission Impossible."
            93. Set up full-scale wars with the army men at Toys R Us that take up the whole aisle (or wrestling matches with action figures)!
            94. "Tag" everyone you pass in the hallways at work, then run for it.
            95. Ask for the aisle seat on a flight so "your hair won't get messed up"
            96. While someone is sleeping, wake them up and ask them, "Hey, what are you doing?"
            97. Greet everyone on the elevator with a firm handshake and ask if anyone has chicklets.
            98. Stand near a busy street and just stare up into the sky.
            99. Go to your nearest dollar store and ask for multiple price checks.
            100. Smoke cigarettes. Complain loudly that you're going to die from second-hand smoke.
            101. Construct a list of 101 ways to annoy people and post in a winamp thread that only requested lists of 50
            If anyone can find any of the skins I made please email them to [email protected]
            I can't remember all the names but specifically hunting for Lascivious, and DEVOUR (compilation with Jax) and any in the Impulse series which had 6 total. Auriferous, Gilt, Impulse, Nadir, and 2 others I can't remember but you dig.


            • #7
              1 way to seriously piss people off:

              1. post long winded, completely useless posts that take up the length of my screen and contain no useful informations whatsoever...
              Like my photography? Buy some here....


              • #8
                My favorite list:

                1. Rinse
                2. Wash
                3. Repeat


                • #9
                  Re: 50 things....

                  Originally posted by Bizznatch
                  39. You're almost as good as a 9-year-old -- and I can know!

                  well, i wont get into that


                  • #10
                    Re: 1 way to seriously piss people off:

                    Originally posted by ethan_h
                    1. post long winded, completely useless posts that take up the length of my screen and contain no useful informations whatsoever...
                    102. Complain about long winded posts instead of just skipping over them.
                    If anyone can find any of the skins I made please email them to [email protected]
                    I can't remember all the names but specifically hunting for Lascivious, and DEVOUR (compilation with Jax) and any in the Impulse series which had 6 total. Auriferous, Gilt, Impulse, Nadir, and 2 others I can't remember but you dig.


                    • #11
                      speaking of annoying ppl
                      one time some jehovah's witnesses came to my door. They asked if i'd found jesus, so i looked really paniced, shouted "wait a minute, you lost someone? Oh my god, let me call the cops."
                      they looked shocked and ran away
                      (i stole the idea from a friend)


                      • #12
                        whenever telemarketers call, i just ask for there home phone number and ask if i can call them when im available... ohhh boy, they hang up faster than a rabbit on speed
                        Artist Track


                        • #13
                          Re: My favorite list:

                          Originally posted by Radioactive Man
                          1. Rinse
                          2. Wash
                          3. Repeat
                          Don't you rinse after you wash?


                          • #14
                            Not according to Pert Plus.


                            • #15
                              From the Pert Plus website:
                              Lather, Rinse, Repeat
                              I was away for a while.
                              But I'm feeling much better now.