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Do I have too much fears?

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  • Do I have too much fears?

    I wanted to open this thread already last week...
    Am I only a very fearful hare? I have discovered, that my fears are getting bigger and bigger...
    Last week I had a date, I was forced to go outside. I was near my tears, I wanted to cry. I didn't want to go outside, because I cannot be sure anymore, that I will find our leased apartment in the same good condition, how I have left it. Maybe I have my fears also, because I have very often physical weakness and nausea. I had the date with the doctor, and she told me "You have to fight against Your fears. You have to go also outside. You have to do it very often. Maybe You need talking therapies."...
    Frank and I have made many bad experiences in our life, too much...
    January 2006, when it was very cold, we wanted to do many things early in the morning. Suddenly there was a pipe break in the apartment above. The neighbor wasn't at home. Fortunately Frank and I were at home, and the apartments below stayed dry. But it wasn't possible anymore for us to live in the old apartment due to this water damage...
    Also a fire can suddenly happen. It didn't happen to us, but it had happened to my mother last year, in June 2012 (she has to live in a nursing home now). That was very close to us, it was directly in our family. Nothing is the same anymore since that fire...
    We have been influenced by the fact, we can never have a peaceful feeling again, if one of us or we both have to go outside. I have to fight against my fears, it is an inner battle...
    Sabine Klare Aka Sternenmaschinebine
    Music, Art, Lyrics, Videos
    AMBIENT... AMBIENT music forever...

  • #2
    At first I want to post the links to 2 other threads:
    Need a place to rant, vent, spew? Something happening within the Winamp universe you don't like? This is your place to bitch at the injustice and general unfairness of the World.

    You wanna talk about something, but don't know where to turn? Chat your heart out here...

    Just posted in the second thread. It is very sad, but there are facts. Life is fragile, and I have read very much in the newspapers...
    1993 Frank and I didn't have the possibility to find an apartment in Berlin-Wilmersdorf, because all leased apartments there were very expensive. We had found an apartment in Berlin-Neukölln, and it was far away enough from the environments with very much violence and crime. But the violence and crime had spreaded also into our environment in the last 20 years. I think, it is still important to be careful. But also in a "better environment" it can happen, that a teenager crosses the way of a group of other teenagers, and suddenly he is attacked, beaten and ends up in a hospital, just because he wears only cheap sneakers an no brand sneakers. And this year a young man had to die, just because he had helped his drunken friend early in the morning. Suddenly a group of teenagers had attacked him, he was beaten to death. It had happened in a touristic-mile...
    Not only the knowledge about the violence and crime is a reason for fears. I am not very healthy, and if I feel sick, then I should stay at home, of course. Yesterday and today we have a large heat in Berlin (the other German cities have the same weather). Yesterday more than 100 people outside have fallen into unconsciousness. I don't want to faint (swoon) outside and end up in a hospital, of course...
    I want to be sure, if I have to go outside, then I also want to come home again, that's very important for me...
    Sabine Klare Aka Sternenmaschinebine
    Music, Art, Lyrics, Videos
    AMBIENT... AMBIENT music forever...


    • #3
      I'm not a psychiatrist, but I feel you're focused too much on the things that could go wrong. I believe that if you're focused on what could go wrong, you're more likely to 'get stuck in that mood'. You could also try to focus on what could happen in a good way. You try to live your life in the best way possible or so I believe. If you are, then there are others too. Not everybody is a bad person, just a handful that are trying to get all of the attention. Try to focus on the fact that it's sunny outside, the birds are singing and even the fact that you have an internet connection makes you richer than 95% of this planet's population. You reap what you sow. Sow fear and that's what you'll get. Sow happyness and that's again what you'll get.
      Your attitude may not change the world or what happens in it. It does change the way you live through such events.

      All this is my personal opinion, based on your posts. Please believe that I'm not trying to force you to be anyone that you're not.

      A funny quote to end my reply: (one nerd to another: ) 'this 'outside' thing might seem odd but the graphics are amazing!'
      Jesus loves you [yes, you] so much, he even died for you so that you will not need to die, but live forever


      • #4
        I have this problem myself. I did a shrink for a while. Not to be classified as PTSD, I am engaged in Post Traumatic Embitterment Disorder. I expect everything to be a cluster fuck and possibly fulfill my own prophesy.

        Finally, I figured out I think too much. Carpe Diem.


        • #5
          The bad live experiences will stay forever in a person inside. After the water damage in our old apartment I had also nightmares, when I was sleeping, I dreamed, we had a further water damage. Also the fire in my mother's apartment had influenced us...

          Yesterday I had to go to the city hall, to apply for ID card. The waiting room was very full, mostly with young families, and I had to wait 2 and a half hours. Fortunately I had 2290 songs with me (with real on-ear-headphones). After everything was done, I was sitting for a while on the stairs in front of the city hall. I looked to the fountain and the clouds, and I had a strange feeling. Sitting at a riverside, far away from the very loud cars, would be much better, of course. The Treptower Park is only 3 S-Bahn-Stations away from us...

          Each leased apartment in the house has another landlord, but all tenants and landlords have the same management for the houses. The apartment above is currently empty, and since many weeks the construction worker are tearing down the walls in the apartment with heavy construction equipment. Frank and I get permanently in panic, and today the plaster has come loose from the bathroom ceiling, and then it layed on the flooring. I have called someone and I have cried at the telephone. I also went upstairs and I rang at the door, then I saw the apartment above. Nobody can live there for a very long time. The construction worker have informed the landlord from the apartment above, who wanted to come anyway, some minutes later he had examined the damage in our bath room. He will order a repairman for the next days. We ourselves hope, that the construction work will be finished soon...

          I think, I cannot sit at my PC very often for the next time. I will be in stress, but if I'm exhausted, then I have also my notebook in the bed...
          Sabine Klare Aka Sternenmaschinebine
          Music, Art, Lyrics, Videos
          AMBIENT... AMBIENT music forever...


          • #6
            Do I have too much fears

            For me, too much confidence is worse.

            My bugbear is people who are cocky when they have nothing to be cocky about. I know that its just another form of insecurity, but personally I find people with a lower level of confidence more appealing.


            • #7
              You are right, also too much confidence is not so good, because then the disappointments or bad surprises could follow.

              Also this time I wanted to drink the champagne and say GoodBye to 2016, but it was not possible. This time much more illegal new-years fat-bangers had been used, much louder and much longer. Much more rockets had flown along our windows. We both were afraid, that a rocket might crack through the window and set our apartment on fire. Frank and I were in alarm the whole time. We were not able to calm down. On the next day they had continued, and it is really very dangerous, because also passants are pelted with that intentionally. Also this time many apartments have burned and again many people have ended up in hospitals.

              Especially the years 2015 and 2016 were terrible for us, because the nasty neighbor had started the war against us without any reason and because the management for all houses wanted to terminate the lease agreement contract with us although we always had followed the house rules. Already on 24th December 2014 suddenly Frank and I had been seperated from all the other artists, and in the same time many people in real had dumped us (since 2015). Instead of getting help on private ways suddenly nobody was there, who would have been willing to help us.

              In 2016 the second doctor from the authorities had ordered it, that I had to go into the hospital at day. The psychologist there had told me, that I have the generalized anxiety disorder. I have also depressions and severe personality disorder (I don't like my fat body). I myself think, it was just in time with the hospital at day, and that on this way a second nervous breakdown has been prevented.

              The water damage in our apartment in January 2006, the fire in my mother's apartment in June 2012, the fire in the house of our girl-friend in Germany in Autumn 2012 and the fire in the apartment of the couple in March 2015 (also these people belong to our friends and family members), all that has teached me not to trust the life itself anymore. Maybe in that time my fears had increased, although I always had fears, already since my childhood and youth, because of my ilnesses and because of nasty teenagers.

              Those people, who never had to experience that with a fire or water damage and who also never have to worry about their existence and future with their lucky life and higher incomes, mostly don't understand my problems, and at least one of them had also derided me for my fears with spiteful remarks in a radio-chat, so that I had clicked on the X in Firefox.

              I am very glad about the current meeting-point which is much better than the previous one although the way takes some more minutes. But here I am understood well.
              Last edited by Sabine Klare; 3 January 2017, 15:48.
              Sabine Klare Aka Sternenmaschinebine
              Music, Art, Lyrics, Videos
              AMBIENT... AMBIENT music forever...


              • #8
                Klare, I have a similar anxiety, which I'd say would be too many fears, unfortunately . It can almost even be disabling. I am in general anxious in public settings because of having schizoaffective disorder and Asperger's. I feel that I am a very and openly eccentric individual, and I have not come to embrace my individuality because of my social awkwardness.

                Also, as someone who enjoys videogames, I have one of the weirdest phobias - fear of visual graphical glitches, like seeing the backside of a one-sided polygon (e.g. esp something like a boulder with the exposed underside cut off, allowing one to see through it). I suppose its because I project myself to the player character and end up imagining interacting with something illogical, like a hollow, paper-thin boulder).
                Creativity turned into madness. And then back again.


                • #9
                  In my bought book "Generalisierte Angststörung" by Sigrun Schmidt-Traub I have read, that people with a generalized anxiety disorder have also a post-traumatic stress disorder very often, and I myself think, I myself am one of these people. Also I have read in this book, that the Progressive Muscle Relaxation by Jacobson is very important. And already in 2014 I got told, that I would be "not a risk taker" (based on my posts), also that is true.

                  Yesterday I have made a visit for coffee & cake first before going to the meeting-point. My last companions from my last stay in 2016 (1st September - 21st October) will go out this month. We all don't want to go in again so quickly incl. I myself.

                  Our environment has become more and more criminal. After in the previous year the firemen had been attacked with these illegal new-years fat-bangers (people who help other people), this year another crime has been done near our home (not so far away). The window of a car has been damaged, then the car has been set on fire with the fat-bangers intentionally. The car has been destroyed totally. But the criminal people have been caught and arrested.

                  A few weeks ago on the U-Bahn-Station near our home a young woman was intentionally pushed down the stairs. Her arm was broken after that, but the results could have been more terrible. Falling down the stairs can end also with the death. The criminal man has been found and arrested later. He didn't have known the victim.

                  The police comes into our street more often, mostly every day. Some months ago there was a fight near our home, where also chairs of a restaurant had been picked and used. Later injured people had to be brought into the hospitals. In the following days I had discovered the broken chairs of the restaurant near our home.

                  Already in 2015 Frank and I had discussed, that it would be better to avoid the very big XMAS Markets. And in December 2016 the terrorist attacks had happened on one of the bigger XMAS Markets, after similar terrorist attacks had happened in Nizza already in Summer 2016. The boundaries between the anxiety disorder and real dangers are fluid.

                  But of course nobody wants to become the next victim, suddenly and unexpectedly, and it can happen everywhere and everytime.

                  I myself try to enjoy every day, this day, then the next day etc., because every day could be last last day, and the risks increase, if people become older and older. Already the age between 40 and 60 is very critical.

                  I think, many people have do live with fears, and they all can try to do the best.

                  Now I wish You a good weekend, Fumbling_Foo. We will see us next week...
                  Sabine Klare Aka Sternenmaschinebine
                  Music, Art, Lyrics, Videos
                  AMBIENT... AMBIENT music forever...


                  • #10
                    The last time I forgot to mention another crime, which had happened in our environment, also not far away from our home. A young man had been shot, suddenly and unexpectedly, and the murderer didn't have known the victim. Also another murderer didn't have known the victim when he had killed a very young woman on another U-Bahn-Station in another district.

                    In Autumn 2016 I didn't have problems yet to use the stairs between the S-Bahn-Station and U-Bahn-Station near our home. But now I get a very weird feeling everytime, if I see these stairs, after I had heard about the attack on the stairs in the TV-news. The psychiatrists and psychlogists understand me.

                    For those victims, who had survived the many different attacks, mostly the life will not be the same anymore. Some of them will have to live also with different disabilities forever. For many of them their experiences were very traumatic, so that mostly they need professional help by the psychiatrists and psychologists. Nobody will know, how many talks, sessions and time will be needed. I am very glad, that Berlin has many addresses where people can get professional help.

                    Already after my 12th birthday I had to experience, that also teenagers can be very criminal and not only adults, although they are not allowed to do criminal things. Especially the boys had mistreatened me very much, but also the girls were terrible. And I know, teenagers can do also more terrible things with their victims. I don't want to talk about more details. I finally want to forget that although I cannot make it undo what did happen to me as victim. But I can mention, that I never feel very well, if I see groups of teenagers, and I need a very big distance to them.

                    Frank and I had to experience also very aggressive people in our life, and it is better not to cross their way. We know, that people suddenly can become aggressive and attack somebody without any reason, and we hear such people yelling in our street very often. In Summer 2015 suddenly I had been threatened by one of these people after I had left the house for the next extra-date. A very aggressive person cannot be arrested just for a prevention as long as this person didn't have commited a crime yet. But of course Frank or I don't want to be found dead in the edge first before finally we can get more help and security, because then it will be too late.

                    Also the murder-threats via E-Mail in 2004 were not very nice, and the criminal people had known our postal address. No one can judge such people. Are they very fanatic and do they really want to kill somebody? The police didn't find the criminal people, and there are some more unknown criminal people around the world. Also the internet is not a "safe harbor" (or the own home), not only the "world in real" can be dangerous.

                    We think, that some districts in our city are much better and less dangerous than other districts, although the apartments there are very expensive and for people with lower incomes it will be impossible to live there. The people with lower incomes can hope only, that they will not be forced to move into more dangerous environments some day, because the prices for leases and all other prices increase more and more while their incomes will not increase. But maybe the aggressions, crime and violence have increased in all districts generally.

                    In the Nineties we had dared more to go outside also after 8:00 PM although it never was very secure to go outside also at night. In the past the attacks and robbings had happened more in the late hours and less at day than in the times of today. Now it is better to stay at home after 8:00 PM, also if some of the supermarkets in our environment have open until 10:00 PM and 12:00 PM.

                    @ Fumbling_Foo , You have mentioned the eccentric individuals. Also Frank and I are individuals, and with our own music-taste, Electronic and its related genres, we don't fit the music-taste of the society. Mostly they like only Mainstream and no Electronic. But of course the society cannot patronize us and they cannot dictate us the music-taste, and if we don't want to listen to Mainstream, then it is our own decision. Another person cannot force me to visit Operas, if I myself don't force this person to visit Techno Parties. But many Electronic Musicians were forced to turn off the music on the different meetings, because only CDs with Mainstream were accepted, but not CDs with Electronic. Yes, we are eccentric...

                    Oh no, today we have Friday The Thirteenth...
                    Sabine Klare Aka Sternenmaschinebine
                    Music, Art, Lyrics, Videos
                    AMBIENT... AMBIENT music forever...


                    • #11
                      Sorry its been so long since I posted in this topic, Klare. I am a slow writer but I will try and write a long response .

                      Things can be pretty bad over here in the USA, but probably not as bad as in Germany it seems. I grew up with high functioning autism and probably pre-schizophrenia. There are special schools for people like me who had autism, but my grandmother insisted that I get educated in the mainstream public school system. There were the outcasts, who clung together; then, there was me, an outcast with no friends, even of the outcasts. To this day I suffer from the after-effects of the bullying I underwent in school, thanks both to my peers and even the staff and teachers, who made me believe that I was just a bad kid that needed punishment. They turned a blind eye to the "punishment" from my peers for being different. I was literally singled out as being the whipping boy. Now, here I am a virtual hermit with no life, encumbered with mental illness, while those who hurt me live successful lives.

                      There is no justice for the downtrodden, but I do not seek it because in fact fairness in an eye-for-an-eye world leaves everyone blind. Punishment left a mark on me as being a bad kid, when I was still yet the victim. If you ask me, punishment should be the last resort after lots of patience, even for the staff who bullied me and who were responsible for nurturing my growth and well-being. Working not in love for others is a sickness of the mind that needs healing, not punishment. But such an idea is too radical to be accepted by the stewards of our society, and I am left with a great idea of love that will most likely die with me because of my limitations.
                      Creativity turned into madness. And then back again.


                      • #12
                        Being poor, having a disability or having interests which deviate from the norm of the society does not give the rights for the others to bully or mistreat somebody. Many adults have to experience that, for example in the jobs, but also many teenagers and already many children, for example at school. These problems happen in many countries. In the villages everybody knows everybody. In a city a person can live more anonymous, but there are also more crime and violence.

                        Of course it is not nice, if many boys encircle a girl, attack her with many kicks and prohibit her to talk about that with the teachers and parents. The many hematoms over the whole body were very visible. But also the teachers are not always gentle, and many of them harass the children and teenagers although this is not the best way for learning something which will be necessary later. The same can happen also at universities. Having only 1 pullover instead of 20 or not following a general trending can be very problematic for a teenager. But can those few teenagers be forced to use something if they themselves simply don't like it and if maybe they want to use alternatives instead? And there is also another problem: If one of the others discover something which should have been kept top secret, then on the next day the whole class knows about that, also if the teenager didn't want that.

                        Of course a child or teenager can change the school, and sometimes it will become necessary. But there is no warranty, that the new school will be better, maybe it could be also worse. I could say the same about neighbors and houses with leased apartments. In the Sixties and Seventies it was much easier to move, although a moving is very expensive. But now Berlin does not have enough apartments anymore. For the long-time tenants it can become very unbearable, if suddenly nasty neighbors move into the house and start a long psycho-terror and war without any reason against them. And it will become very terrible, if the neighbors have success with the wars and filthy calumnies, and if the innocent long-time tenants get a termination of the lease agreement contract by the landlord or management for all houses. If tenants don't find a new apartment until a given date, then they simply can be put out on the street.

                        Now I have to mention again, that a young boy or girl should be very careful, if he or she learns to know a teenager, who is a little bit older and seems to be very gentle. Maybe in reality the teenager has very bad plans with somebody, and unfortunately also I myself had to make these experiences. This was the most terrible experience in my life, and it was not good for the psyche. In the past the psychologists had forced somebody to talk about each detail, also if this person didn't want that. That was not so good. But fortunately the concepts of the psychologists had changed, and they want to help somebody to forget traumatic experiences, and I mean all different traumatic experiences incl. the terrorist attacks in Nizza and Berlin.

                        There are also many other different disappointments in a life, and everybody has to experience many disappointments. It is very easy to cancel the contact, if a false friend lives far away enough. With the family members and related it is more difficult, also if a person lives independently in an own house or aparment. But at least this person is not obliged to open the door, if suddenly one of these spiteful related appears at the door and rings again and again for more than 1 hour. A person cannot choose the family members and related, and sometimes it becomes necessary to disinherit the older brothers and sisters, who are very spiteful. And in the past for many grandparents, uncles and aunts only the first-born children were "good" while the second-born children were "bad". And then especially the spiteful people will make a big career later and have very much success in their life. I could say the same about the other teenagers at school.

                        Frank and I cannot get rid off our fears which are not exaggerate. We really have to worry about our security, health, existence, life, future etc., also because of the long-standing serial of misfortunes. We didn't lease the luck, and we are afraid, that we never will get back a life in peace and silence anymore as long as we are alive.

                        I am still proud of being different from the most other people because for me it would be very boring, if all people in a society would have the same interests and music-taste. I want to have it more various. And of course not all people should follow a general trending which maybe is not always good and could cause many problems some years later (for example in-ear-phones or cigarettes).
                        Sabine Klare Aka Sternenmaschinebine
                        Music, Art, Lyrics, Videos
                        AMBIENT... AMBIENT music forever...


                        • #13
                          I remember a little bit more from my own youth. In 1980 my interests for Electronic Music, Astronomy and Parasciences began. I had my reasons why I never had mentioned my interests for Parasciences. Once I had mentioned my interests for Astronomy. When in one of the lessons we had mentioned other interests than watching TV and the teacher had read our interests later in the class, our names should have been kept anonymous, but suddenly a spiteful girl had yelled: "That's typical for Sabine!", and it was not anonymous anymore. Also I had my reasons why I had to hide my books and documents, because 2 girls suddenly had appeared at the door very often in times where I myself didn't have expected that, and they had called me also in the holidays very often. I was accused of being disgraceful, if I refused to make tours with the class also in the holidays. There was no respect for my free time and for my private life.

                          I remember also 2 other girls from the parallel class. I was already 15. When I was on the way home, suddenly they had crossed my way. They had forced me to try out a cigarette. I had coughed only, and I had thought: "Baaaeeehhh!!! How can they like that?" I myself never had started smoking, and it is much better not to start with that, because many adults are not able to stop smoking, also if they try that again and again. Fortunately the girls never had forced me to try out something else which would not have been so "harmless". But it is already very bad, that a teenager can be forced by other teenagers to try out and use something, if this teenager hates it very much, and sometimes alternatives exist for disliked things, also if they weigh a little more.

                          I know, why I always had left my first and only-one cassette walkman with real on-ear-headphones (no in-ear-phones) at home, when I had to go to school. Many other of my objects had been destroyed by the other teenagers very often, and I had needed these objects for the lessons. Not in all families the parents can buy new pencils and rulers for their children every day. The other teenagers had also made my clothes very dirty with their shoes so many times. When the school was over, I wanted to be alone for the afternoon and evening, but mostly also that was not possible. I had so many fears every day, when I was again on the way to the school. But then finally the day had come, where I had my last day at school. And then I had cancelled all contacts. I never wanted to see again the other teenagers.

                          The contacts at the primary school were much better, and I was in this class from the first until the fifth class, before I was forced to change the school. Also in the next school the class was not bad. After 1 year the class had been disbanded, and then I had to change to the high school. The old address-lists were not in a good state anymore, when I had left them in my mother's furniture in my parent's home. I had thought, they would be at a secure place. Mostly I had to do other things for my parents, when I had visited them. They both were already very ill after I had left the school, and I had to worry about my parents very often. Somehow I didn't have had more time to write all addresses on new blank slates, and before I got the idea for simply taking the time, suddenly the fire had come, and then it was too late. And again everything had come differently than I had planned.

                          Those people have many luck, if they have harmonized very well with their parents and if both parents have stayed very healthy until an age near the 90. My father had died with 74 when I myself was 36 and my mother had died with 85 before I myself had become 48. But at least Frank and I had harmonized very well with our parents. Many other people didn't harmonize so well with their parents, or they had lost their parents much earlier, sometimes already as children. Some other people had been beaten, mistreated, violated or also raped when they were children yet, by their own parents, and as adults they need psychiatrists and psychologists very often.

                          Back to the nasty neighbors in many houses. Many other long-time tenants in the same situation would have moved out on a voluntary basis already, although then mostly they will have got debts, and their new apartments will be much smaller. But they wanted to get back a more peaceful live with less fears. Before 2012 there never were such problems in the house. Frank and I are not the only-one couple, who suddenly had to experience a war. In 2012 the other neighbors had success with their war against my ill parents after 21 years, my mother had got the termination by the management, and she had lived in this apartment for 47 years, in the same time she also had been brought into the nursing home. It still hurts me, that I was forced to give away the keys to my parent's home which was also my first home in my life for a very long time.
                          Sabine Klare Aka Sternenmaschinebine
                          Music, Art, Lyrics, Videos
                          AMBIENT... AMBIENT music forever...


                          • #14
                            You've experienced much pain in your life . I have but not of that magnitude esp the bullying. Growing up with Asperger's and probably being pre-schizoaffective, I was never able to fit in socially, and was picked on by my peers and even sometimes the teachers. I was a victim of a system designed only for the norm (Which, I might add, is an artificial concept of a close-as-can-be average that in reality is very uncommon itself). I fell through the cracks at school too, and I wouldn't doubt that at good portion of the severity of my mental illness is due to that.

                            Mental illness was a curse to me; it smote what I had cherished most - high intellect (that I worked hard for). But I'd say that I'm managing pretty well now, finally starting to settle in to myself thanks in part to the best therapist I've ever had. Medicine is working, sleep is good, and I'm basically happy from dawn thru dusk, occupied with my quest for knowledge in the audiophile world and enjoying time living with a wonderful close family. Despite a negative childhood experience and mental illness, in some ways I've been fortunate to win a bit of a life lottery. I hope you are doing well too, Klare .
                            Creativity turned into madness. And then back again.


                            • #15
                              At least currently I am a little bit more stable...

                              Already as a little child I myself was far away from the norm of the other children. With 4 and a half years I had spoken my first word. I should have died a few months after my birth, but before my second birthday the doctors had discovered the embryonal mistake, and an OP had saved my life. I myself cannot remember the 20 days in the hospital which should have been very traumatic for me. I can remember the time before and the time after, but from the time of my stay itself everything is "away".

                              Also as a teenager I was far away from the norm. It seems, that I should not have been allowed to be interested for Astronomy. The others had required from me, that with 13 I should have been interested for a partnership with a boy. Also with 20 I got told very often: "You should finally get a boy-friend!". But a partner is not like a good apple which simply can be picked from a tree. It will need some time, until 2 people will find each other. And again many time should be given before they marry. They should do that only, if they really harmonize each other and if true love comes from both sides.

                              Also the regulations of dresses are very annoying. With 12 I myself began do decide, that I wanted to wear only monocolor pullovers without roll collars, because for me multicolor pullovers with stripes and roll collars didn't belong to the elegant dresses. But it is more annoying, that the dresses should have been branded dresses and no cheap dresses. And I got trouble with the other teenagers, because I still wanted to wear an article of clothing which suddenly was "out" after already 1 year. Only those articles of clothing should have been allowed in a class which currently were "in".

                              Maybe it would have been better for me, if my mother would have left me in the first primary school until the 6th class and not put me on another school for the last year in a primary school. She had regretted her decision many years later. It would have been much better for me, if I never would have been put into the worse of 2 classes by the director, but it was not my own decision and also not the decision of my parents. Maybe already in that time my parents should have helped me with changing again the school. My parents didn't want to risk, that I myself would fail in the first half year to the test at the high school. Then I would have been forced to go to another school, where a graduation from high school would not have been possible anymore for me.

                              My 2 tried courses of study at 2 different universities were without success, and I had lost many precious years which I would have needed to make my own life and later our common life more stable. I should have used all my last power in my younger years for investing much better into our future. Now I am too ill, without any remained power, and we had ended up in a situation which we never had wanted. But it had happened also, because the economy itself had become worse, because the prices for food and leases had doubled and quadrupled in the last 20 years while the wages and retirement had been more cut than increased. And nobody is allowed to say: "Why do You complain? You had a very good life!". We never had a good life, but it was more stable in the past.

                              All the many different factors had favored my many fears over all the many years. But although I have to live with all my fears, I am also trying to enjoy my life and not always to think of all the problems...
                              Sabine Klare Aka Sternenmaschinebine
                              Music, Art, Lyrics, Videos
                              AMBIENT... AMBIENT music forever...